Of Gypsies and Cowboys

We've moved! (join us!)

2010-01-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

Well friends, it's done. 'Of Gypsies & Cowboys' is now hosted at:

deannadyck.wordpress.com

I'm still setting it up and working on the details, but it should soone be all pretty and polished.
I invite you to head over there and check it out. Instead of Blogger's 'following' option there's a 'subscribing' option and it would be fantastic to have you join up :)
Without droning about details, I'm working to establish a writing and presence and platform through the site. I would deeply appreciate your interaction, feedback, and community as I work towards specific goals (and dreams!) involved with this project.
Thanks again, see you at wordpress!

2010-01-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

Hello!
How do you like the new template? I am, quite obviously, in the midst of some blog renovations :) Here's the thing: Looking ahead to some of my goals with writing, the current publishing market, and my absolute enjoyment of the blogging community, I'm hoping to develop a more 'reader friendly' blog platform. I want to interact more effectively, share our background and story more easily (without forcing people to scroll through 108 posts!), and have a look and feel which is both professional and personal. I'm currently hovering between this blogspot zone, a typepad investment, and a wordpress option. Any thoughts?
There are so many pros and cons with each, ranging from cost to ease of use to template features. I've already invested FAR too much time on this and am losing valuable time actually writing, so I need to get this tied up right away.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions. Happy blogging!

Horse balls and Fairy Tales

2010-01-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

Hello and happy Saturday!

It seems that the weekends have been slipping away without a pause or even an awareness that, techinically, we're allowed to stop and just 'be' for a minute. We're still scrambling to find a sense of flow and routine up on this mountain and until we are really on top of all the tasks and chores we dare not stop. Our goal is to have our days sketched out enough that we can enable this unique ranch to be a place of beauty and flow, while enabling our own family to experience deep rest, creativity, and connection. So far this new year, the chores are happening and the days are starting to gain a bit more structure, but the rest, creativity, and connectedness are still but stars far far away. Still, our work is fun and we're sleeping in Augusta so really, things are looking up :)

While I don't have the endless writing hours which I crave, I do have a solid hour all alone each morning to create new pages in my head. Now, the fact that this hour is spent with a fork and wheelbarrow hauling pounds of frozen manure in -20 wind and snow has not yet dampened the fantastic flow of words and storylines emerging. I do wonder what a passerby wpuld think if they were to see me skipping through the snow and hore nuggets in short pants and wellies, pausing ponder word choice or to laugh aloud at a perfectly crafted phrase ;)

Anyways. Busy busy days ahead. Workers and friends will be coming and going today through next weekend. We're trying to savour this last hour with some time over stories, coffee, and conversation near the fire.

And on we go.

You and Me Together

2010-01-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

As mentioned in other posts, songs and sound lyrics have played a special role in our journey. This one, acquired through a Starbucks AIDS support disc, has been playing a lot lately. It's one for the beginning of our journey and one that keeps things light as we move along. (Dave Matthews)
Wanna pack your bags, Something small

Take what you need and we disappear
Without a trace we'll be gone, gone
The moon and the stars can follow the car
and then when we get to the ocean
We gonna take a boat to the end of the world
All the way to the end of the world

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby
You and me together yes, yes (x2)
You and I, we're not tied to the ground
Not falling but rising like rolling around
Eyes closed above the rooftops
Eyes closed, we're gonna spin through the stars
Our arms wide as the sky
We gonna ride the blue all the way to the end of the world
To the end of the world

Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We're gonna teach them to fly
You and me together, we could do anything, Baby
You and me together yes, yes
We can always look back at what we did
All these memories of you and me baby
But right now it's you and me forever girl
And you know we could do better than anything that we did
You know that you and me, we could do anything
You and me together, we could do anything, Baby
You and me together yeah, yeah
Two of us together, we could do anything, baby
You and me together yeah, yeah
Two of us together yeah, yeah
Two of us together, we could do anything, baby

to reach the end of the world

Random!

2010-01-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends :)

You know what is just awesome? The unexpected sense of community which is growing out of this blog. Who would've thought? ;) Honestly, for all the cristicism and bizarre things that come out of online interactions, I am currently seeing even more of the positive points.
I'm not sure when the shift came. At one point I was just publicly journalling the bizarre step we were taking in our life. Then I started reading what I was writing and seeing just how crazy it all was. Now, I'm chopping veggies and chattering to J about this new peer or that point of feedback, and laughing with my MOM (hi mom :) ) about the events and photos posted on here. Very cool.
--
I received a TypePad subscription for Christmas (the platform that the 'real' bloggers use ;) ). I want to get it set up but I want to be sure I can import all this stuff over. I mean, I'm only now building a group of followers and comments and I don't want to start from scratch, so I'm hoping it will be a smooth shift. Ideally I'll be ready for 'the move' in February.
--
J and Jem were chatting while I prepped supper (a glorious pub-grub fare this evening) and in their banter and story time he asked sweet Jem, "faith can move mountains, but can mountains move faith?" I stopped and laughed as it was such a perfect question. How often do we boost on our beliefs and ideals and 'faith', but then cringe and falter and allow obstacles to move us? Oh the things that come through conversation with children.
--
What a random post! Truth be told, I just feel so carefree and would love to chat about all kinds of things with the collective 'you' out there. Today began so shadowed and limited but the afternoon brought light and laughter as my son and i danced and cooked together while J worked (and worked and worked....) on the ranch grounds. The evening is beautiful and I feel as though I have fallen into a perfectly illustrated story book. My husband is washing the dishes, the fire is glowing, my sweet bambine is tucked away, and I have a hours ahead to create with words and then snuggle down with books or a show or perhaps a piece of chocolate.

Anyways. Whatever random points this day has presented to you, i wish you laughter and energy to embrace them with adventure and glee.

Productive and Creative

2010-01-05T18:06:00.000-08:00

Today was neat: Blankets of fresh snow greeted us and I decided it was time to learn how to drive the tractor. Jeremy patiently walked me through it and sat along while I did my first trial of snow clearing. Fun! This was followed by many intense hours with my teething and sick and all-or-nothing child who eventually found some respite in finger paiting. Now, chickpea curry and hopefully a large glass of wine!

Actions, Attitudes, and Reponsibility

2010-01-04T16:07:00.000-08:00

The past couple of days have been enlightening and helpful.
In our days of settling into home, attempting the start of a 'fresh new year', and recognizing our desperate need for rest, we were confronted with unexpected criticism and discouraging reviews. In the midst of it and with back-to-back loyalty, we were thankful for the interaction. Eagar to apply what we've learned and serve those around us with gladness, we've being reminded again how confusing life on earth can be. It's a little tricky, but I can now say that I truly am ready for anything. Well.... no, I can't, but I'm getting closer to being open to anything that comes in form of voice or thought or experience.

I suppose we really never know what will be presented to us. We can not control the actions and attitudes of others, we just can't. But we can and must have our own attitudes in hand. I am forever responsible for my reactions, responses, and 'next steps'. I am responsible to be in good conscience, no matter what. So I will :)

On the flip side, this past week I also received several encouraging messages and notes from readers of this blog. THANK YOU so much for the kind words and the sense of community and shared life you have gifted me with. I welcome notes like these and would love to know if you have been following along on this journey.

Anyways. Our yummers dinner of lentil burgers and salad is done and we are nearing baby bed time. The snow is still falling and we will be shovelling and plowing most of the day tomorrow. But now, to the home fire and the love near it.

The Good

2010-01-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

January 3rd and it's a beautiful morning! I just went and stood on our infinished veranda and was stunned by the view; thick frost, fog, mountains, and shafts of sunlight sparkling through it all. Gorgeous.

One of the challenging and blessed things about stepping into January is the undeniable obligation to move ahead. It's not 'that year' anymore. That's done, it's over. I am not invited to wallow, I am not asked to focus on what was but on what may be. There is no benefit in letting my mind root itself in the shadows while denying the light that is causes them. As one songwriter perfectly states, "The shadows prove the sunshine" How utterly fantastic. For all the processing and mourning and difficulties presented within our journey, I can say with confidence that it was well worth it and we will rejoice. It's a fresh morning, a morning to let things roll away and to embrace the beauty ahead. Great things have been done and our road remains open, 'To high places by narrow roads!'

Friends (for whether I know you are reading this or not, we are friends and fellow travllers), I invite you to consider the path ahead this year. Many many peers have walked in the shadows these past 12 months and many have shadows ahead, but for today I pray light and life to your road and the freedom to see the good in the difficult.

2010-01-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

January 2nd. How bland! If I were a calendar date I would not want to be January 2nd. What can this date offer? Increased girths, first day of the dreaded diet, arrival of the credit card bill from last months consumption, stale hangovers, back-to-work, dry trees, dirty snow. Ha!
OR.
Perhaps.
The full-out application of the New Year. January 1st is totally a practice round as it's still all glowing and festive, but the 2nd, well, that's when the fresh calendar gets down to business.

Anyways. I'm a little unsure where to go in my writing these next months as anything following the last 12 seems rather dull. I have no wish for some dramatic event to share with you next week or month; I'm really quite content to bunker down and dissapear for awhile. However, life will happen so away we go.

Good BYE!

2009-12-31T23:34:00.001-08:00

2009 has one hour left. The New Year is breathing at the door; eager for entrance. Never before have I been so ready for one year to end and the other to begin. Bring it! Come on! Show me your best, your worst, your sickening middle lands! There is nothing I cannot take, nothing I haven’t seen. I am bold and terrified and older and more foolish, so bring to me now and let me stand!
This past year saw the best and worst of all I am. We walked through job loss and business creation, marriage joys and desolation, the celebration and loss of two babies, nights in five gypsy homes. I have witnessed my husband laugh with joy, curse with anger, weep with despair. I have heard my heart bargain with God upon blood spots and wedding vows and false opinions. As a couple we have been entirely misunderstood by family, employers, and friends. We have been berated, ridiculed, chastised, and abandoned. By strangers have we been embraced. Feasting and fasting have brought aches to our body, while moonlight and solitiude have gifted us with clarity. We have literally, spiritually, and personally lost much of what we have held so dear. In the same ways we have gained more than we can hope or imagine.
We have become everything we hate and have witnessed much of what we hope for.
We have become utterly lost and experienced the desperate need to be utterly found.
2009 has left us shattered and better people. I look at these past months with loathing and wonder.
I would never do it again.
I would never wish it taken from me.

This year has shown me my utter depravity as well as my consuming hope for a better life; a life of rest and peace and joy, a life worth living upon this earth, a life worth hoping for in the midst of days.

Farwell 2009, damned and blessed. I will forever remember your roads and never long for them again. Farewell, and be blessed.

2009-12-25T17:32:00.000-08:00

I keep saying "Merry Christmas!" in hopes that it will eventually feel that way. There are only a few hours left in the day. Somehow it seems like the whole season should be weeks away instead of ending. I am finding it increasingly diffcult to understand, apply, and interact with 'Christmas' in the midst of my culture, limitations, desires, and questions. There's so much and so little and again I'm left wondering.

I am so so tired. We're heading the the Valley next week for some days away while the ranch fills with crowds. It'll be great to see all the guests but it's also our only opportunity to step away and catch a breath. Even today, the biggest 'holiday' for working folk, was filled with chores and wood boxes and cleaning. We love it and would not trade it, but I am feeling a need for one complete day without cooking, cleaning, cold, or early rising.

Hm. My posts have being more blue than sunny of late hey? Sorry!

Tonight we will have a greasy appy' snack with a movie, drink the last of yesterday's wine, and (try to) convince the kiddo to go to bed early and sleep late.

To you my friends: Sweet Christmas.

Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T07:51:00.001-08:00

I'ts Christmas Eve!!! WOW. Unbelievable

I awoke in my own home. Sadly, I hardly slept due to the overhwhelming fumes filling the whole cabin! Hopefully it will all air out before too long.

There's oatmeal on the stove, fire burning, carols singing, and tree sparkling. Been sleepy can't touch the hope to be found in this day.

2009-12-24T07:46:00.003-08:00

(I wrote this last night but was without an internet signal.)
I cannot even believe I’m sitting here, on my own couch, in front of a perfect fire in my new home. I feel as though I am in a dream; as though much of what I have been waiting for has come and is real, yet not.

I am utterly exhausted. My body has gone through a lot in the past while and I long for sleep. In spite of my desire for bed, I am forcing myself to stay awake and soak up this first evening. I cannot go to bed, it is too beautiful and the day has been too awful and wonderful and close my eyes to just yet.

We cut down a perfect Christmas tree before sundown this eveing. It’s skinny and close to 14 feet tall! We adorned it with clear lights, red glass balls, candy canes, and dried flowers. Our parcel-papered gifts are tucked underneath, minus one. The missing package breaks my heart with every glance towards that corner. But, what’s done is done and perhaps this time next year One will join us with breath and warmth.

I prepared dinner on my old frying pan on the cabin’s new stove. It was utterly fantastic.

Freshly cut pine boughs are strewn on the mantle, window frames, and cabinets. It’s one feeble and festive attempt at both seasonal decor and air purification (this place is FULL of awful fumes from various stains and lacquers).

Well, I think I must go to bed now for who knows when that baby boy will wake? Speaking of the sweet prince, he is cradled in his own bed, one that has not held his frame for close to 10 months. I wish him, and you, the sweetest of dreams.

To a day that held the very best and worst of this tumultuous year—good night.

Light and Dark. Winter and Spring. Of beginnings and endings....

2009-12-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes blogs and online comunities become venues for venting, chatter, and random fillers. But today is for honesty.

Two significant moments mark today:
1. We're moving intou Augusta!!! How incredibly exciting!
2. We were (very newly) pregnant and as of this morning are not.

How is that one day can mark such an exciting beginning as well as such a tragic end?

Hmm. In many ways the one new life seemed the perfect beautiful end to this year of peaks and valleys. However, I can also embrace how the mixed light and dark of this morning is also entirely fitting. We began this journey with loss and hope, and we now end this year in the same manner.

Outside our forested mountain is glistening with frost and light and shadows; so cold and beautful. It all appears dead, but really, it is only sleeping.

2009-12-21T14:42:00.000-08:00

Our days are insane right now and I can hardly see straight. We're packing, moving, cleaning, tending the ranch, trying to be a couple and family, and oh wait, it's Christmas. It's almost too much.

An hour ago I was trying to catch up on work at the main house while talking to J on the phone (in town getting more supplies) and I looked out the window to see creatures on the lake. I was super excited and grabbed the binoc's only to see OUR HORSES were in the middle of the lake with above freeing temperatures!!! (above freezing for the past week!). What's a gal to do when she's home alone and in charge of the ranch? I tied Jem on my back, grabbed a quad and a grain bucket, alerted the cabin crew (for safety), and went on my mission. We made it safe and sound-- yay! But dang, how crazy is that? I mean, they oculd have totally broken threw and I would have been powerless to stop it! It takes a LOT of work and a LOT of energy and awareness to keep up a place this size.

anyways. Just catching my breath. The sky has suddenly opened up with huge flakes. It's so beautiful....

2009-12-20T09:58:00.000-08:00

Each member of the family is working hard towards Christmas Eve in our own home. Every little step brings us that much closer. May you experience a sense of home this season....

2009-12-18T15:22:00.000-08:00

What a day! What a week! I feel like I've been living in a whirlwind; packing, hauling, cleaning, discussing, learning, trying to do what is right, trying to change what is wrong, trying to get everything done and be all I should be. All of this can take a bit of a gal!
The afternoon is late though and evening will come before long. J has been sent off on another errand for the work crew and has several more hours left in his day before he can stop. But evening will come and then we will sprawl and eat and drink and breathe and reflect.

One week from today is Christmas. Wow. It looks like we'll be waking up Christmas morning in our new home...!

2009-12-16T17:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve is one week from tomorrow! How is that possible!? So bizarre. This time last year we were reeling and reflecting and trying to process all the changes about us while coming up with a plan of action. Jem was plump and jolly and not even crawling. We were without a clue but hopig for the future and ready to leave it all behind.
A year later we've learned that some things never change. People can still be fickle. Misunderstandings still abound. Tendrils of fear for the future are forever eager to wrap about my heart and choke my breath of Life. The past couple of days have reaffirmed our need to be loyal and comitted to each other, especially in the face of questioning and conflict. If other people falsely accuse you or think wrongly of you, and your spouse follows suit, then all is lost. We need to have each other's backs.

Anyways. Onwards...!

Today we hauled a bunch of boxes into Augusta. Our entire collection of possesions fills about 1/3 of our master bedroom. Still too much, yet surprisingly little. I am so excited to open them and place their contents in their new home. The cabin still feels far from completion; pluming electrical, some windows, stairs.... BUT, we should have things set up throughout the weekend and (hopefully)move in early next week. Crazy! Much is based on the electrical though as we'd love to have appliances working!

I'm unsure if we'll have a Chrstimas tree as we'll be barely in there before The Day itself, but I'm hoping. This is the most "unchristmas" Christmas I've experienced....

Best to you!

remembering

2009-12-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

(I've posted this on FB and xanga and such, but it's such a big thing I figured reptition is allowed...Thanks.)
Happy Anniversary! One year ago today we started this crazy new journey life, kicked off by the dark and underhanded actions of a man named Billy C. One year later, we are changed, weaker, stronger people for it. Billy, live long and prosper.

Posted one year ago today (midnight, so posted as the 16th but from the 15th..)
Scene opens:
Wife waiting for Husband. He's late.... Supper ready, baby happy, coffee on
(Husband enters)
Wife: Hi! Welcome home! You're late, I was getting worried! Supper's ready when you are
(Baby laughs and throws toy)
(Husband tries to straigten up and stand a little taller)
Husband: So... I was laid off just now....
Wife: ....
Wife?
Wife: Wooooow.... Huh. Huh? Hmmm.... I love you.
Husband: I love you.
Wife: Wooooow..... Hmm.... woooow.... crazy....
Husband: Yup, good times.
(Husband chuckles)
Wife: Huh...interesting...
(Baby laughs and blows bubbles at Daddy)
Wife: Well. I made supper and there's fresh coffee. Let's sit and eat.
Husband: Thanks Love, this looks awesome
(Couple clasps hands in prayer. Baby laughs.)
Wife: Well. Wow. I love you. So. Whaddya think? B***ys an ass hey?
Husband: Ah, but he's not happy or content. But it's all good. Let's take a look at things and see what could be, ya never know....
Wife: Hon'...it's the week before Christmas. When does this start?
Husband: Effective immediatly.
Wife: Hm. Woooow. Huh.
(Baby reaches for his dad)
Husband: I was kinda looking forward to the Christmas party. i already rsvp'd....
Wife: Ha. Yeah. Wow. huh... Well, I love you crazy man. Time to see what could be....
Husband: I love you.
(Baby laughs, unaware)

It's been an interesting evening.
Lots going on and lots to think about.

2009-12-13T07:54:00.000-08:00

Good morning 

Jem arose at 5:00am this morning; something to do with staying at Grandma and Grandpa’s house I suppose.... I wasn’t overly impressed and can hear coffee #2 calling my name. We’re in the city for the weekend for an early Christmas celebration and a break from the hectic pace of building the cabin and such.

I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted in the midst of urban visits. This time, however, was unique. As I went through the errands and conversations and traffic, I found myself inspired. I felt increased desire and energy to write, create, learn, and change. I think there is a unique rhythm developing with our isolation at the ranch and our forays into urbanity. In our isolation we have opportunity to read, think, write, and talk about it. When we venture back into the city and social interactions we are able to apply new ideas and be reminded of varying expressions of belief and practice. I am finally able to appreciate the crowds and groups and ‘others’ as they are helping me understand myself and greater Life so much more.

Need that coffee...!

2009-12-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

Not much new here these days. I DID do a picture post but somehow posted it to the wrong blog!! (a public blog in which I'm one of many contributers-- wow!). Our days are fairly the same right now; chores, cleaning, working at the cabin, cooking, eating, waiting for evening, waiting for our home, waiting for Christmas, waiting....
Augusta looks amazing but is still at least a week from opening her doors to us. There is much more beyond that as well (exterior finishing, basement, some glass, etc.) but we should be able to dwell in there by Christmas. We hope. I am longing for my home. I Know I am blessed so deeply and thoroughly in our current situation, but I desire a home and space and the opportunity to unpack.

Anyways. I'm just rambling. Time to get the boy ready for bed. It's almost the weekend....

2009-12-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Saturday! (I think. It IS Saturday right?!)

The house is empty for a minute, lunch soup is already started on the stove, and I need to begin bread right away but am stealing just one more minute. The sun is cutting across the mountinside; half dark and half sparkling light. The horses are fed, the guys are working at Augusta (our cabinets arrived last night!), and I'm trying to plan out my day. Working on last Christmas gifts, packing last parcels, cooking, baking, and attempting some work with my new snap press are all on the agenda.

Well. Better get to it!

Cowboys and Butter Tarts

2009-12-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

There were about 10 cow/calf pairs who managed to avoid the round-up this fall. They've been on the run, through our forests and pastures and lakeside, avoiding the ranchers and apparently having a blast. Well, their time is up as trailers and cowboys pulled in this morning and set out on horseback.
Now, maybe it's my background or novels or Hollywood, but isn't there just something awesome about a earthy grizzled 'real' cowboy? With polka-dot scarves, sheepskin chaps, dark eyes, and that lean swagger, well, it just makes a girl pleased to be living on a ranch :) (one of them completed his ensemble with an Irish styled newsboy hat. Funny!)
Anyways. So far they've caught about half the cows and a dark wooly bull and they're all bawling up at the barn. Fun day!

On another note. Here are the promised pastry and butter tartlet recipes! Credit goes to my dear friend Missy for sharing her baking and then her recipes-- yum!

Missy's Butter Tarts

2 eggs beaten
2/3 c. butter melted
2 c. Dark brown sugar
4 tbs milk
2 tsp brandy (or vanilla)
walnuts (preferred amount)
Mix all ingredients together (adding the egg last so that the butter will have cooled and won't cook it). Pour into the shells. Bake at 375 for 15 to 20 minutes, depending on your stove (10 minutes for tarlets).

Missy's Sweet Pastry

1 c. Shortening
2 c. Flour
2 tbs. sugar
1/2 tsp salt
4 tbs. cold water

Mix dry ingredients. Cut in butter and mix until crumbs form. Add water and mix until a dough forms into a ball. Knead together any last bits by hand, and refrigerate for an hour or up to 3 days. Bring to room temperature before rolling.
(This pastry has proven fantastic with buttertarts and other sweet tarts and pies. Best if rolled between floured parchment or waxed paper).
Sour cream pastry
Published by Chatelaine on 10/1/2006
Ingredients
2 cups (500 mL) all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp (2 mL) salt
1 cup (250 mL) cold unsalted butter, cut into cubes
1/2 cup (125 mL) sour cream
1 egg yolk

Mix dry ingredients. Cut in butter and mix until crumbs form. Add sour cram and egg yolk and whirl dough forms into a ball. (this pastry mixes best in a food processor) Refrigerate for an hour or up to 3 days, or freeze for up to 1 month. Bring to room temperature before rolling.
(This pastry is incredible with any apple pies and dumplings, as well as savory quiches. It freezes well and bakes up incredibly light, flaky, and golden. Perfect!)

2009-12-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

The house is cold as the temperature has finally dropped. The yard is sparkling like an elfish land and glinting particles of blue and red and pink through the tiny crystals formed on each piece of grass and on each branch and post. It is GORGEOUS. The horses are all shaggy and covered in frost, Jem's cheeks are rosy red, and I'm trying to get the house fires burning a little higher and a little hotter.

There are two stone masons at work on the chimney here in the main house (it's one huge cenral chimney for 3 stoves). They're setting new dark flagstone and it's beautiful. There are certain trades that I find expecially intriguing, masonery is one of them. It seems like such an art to fit each stone so perfectly together so that it can last for years. My great-grandma was an accomplished carpenter (and horse trainer!), and I think it would be so cool if more women, including myself, would master a trade or two? Have you ever considered learning one?

Responding to Comments

2009-12-01T10:17:00.001-08:00

Thanks to those who have taken the time to interact on my 'Blog to Inspire' entry! I realluy appreciate it :) I just shared a larger comment/response to some of the new points of interaction, and thought I'd post it here as well in case you haven't checked back:

I really appreciate the honest and varied interaction. Thanks friends! This is so great and I really welcome the critiques and questions. More! How fun :)

From what I read and see, it seems that there are many expressions and extensions of baby-wearing. I know that many parents adopt it deeply and thoroughly as a form of attachment parenting, while others swing entirely opposite, believing that independence and development are better learned outside of a sling or carrier.

The beautiful thing abot parenting is that as we selflessly raise our children we will seek what is best for them as individuals and for us as a whole family. I've met many of the children connected to these comments and they are each beautiful, balanced, and healthy. The evidence of love and care within their upbringing is obvious.

It seems our family is right smack in the middle when it comes to baby-wearing views. We desire our children to develop as balanced and independent individuals who are confident and strong on their own, but we have LOVED the unexpected connection and interaction that wearing has offered. And, truth be told, in our current lifestyle we have simply had to adopt this practice. We don't have sitters available and our grounds can be dangerous for a baby/toddler. When J's at work and I have chores, Jem is simply safer on my back then under the horses feet, climbing a scaffold, or jumping off a dock. (though he has had his share of crawling through puddles and uprooting the garden and tackling the dogs and....)

Jem has hit the 30 pound mark now and, while I relish the fitness of my upper body, my 5'2" frame is nearing its limit ;)

Again, thanks for the interaction.

Hello Monday

2009-11-30T19:04:00.000-08:00

Our day began with above 0 temperatures, a happy baby, and apple-laden oatmeal-- perfect! I chored at the barn while J prepared to head to the cabin. Jeremiah ran about clad in long Johns, slippers, and a plaid woolen vest; chalk in one hand, the family's tooth brushes in another. What a blissful start to the day :)

We enjoyed pasta swimming in garlic, fresh walnuts, pears, salmon, feta, and balsamic vinegar for supper (it was honestly SO good! Seriously. You have to try a sweet/savory walnut concoction with pasta. Awesome!). Now the dishes are done, the diapers are hanging, the baby is with his papa, and I am finding my minute.

Hm. The start and the end of the day, both so cozy and sweet. But between those two plates was a day of J' working on and on at the cabin (he sanded the floors 6 times today trying to work out the weather damage before they're sanded). It was a day where I scraped thawed horse manure and dumped the wheel barrow on the way. It was one of me expressing impatience as J clung and fussed and bathed in the dog bowl and unwrapped the (newly wrapped!) gifts. It was a morning where I craved a nap, an afternoon where I craved a 'sitter, and an evening where I cranked up the carols and declared, "We ARE having fun!".

Ha. But now, yes, we have enjoyed our supper plate and the lights are lowered and evening has come. It's an evening for Christmas baking and Baileys, a book by the fire, and hope for the morning.

Ah yes. Aren't Mondays beautiful? :)

2009-11-28T12:33:00.000-08:00

Hi!
What a weekend! We've taken a couple of days away from the ranch while the owners are up and are taking some time to visit J's folks, have an evening out (sans baby), and try to snag some stocking stuffers. We just came in from a run through the mall and I again find myself with mixed feelings. I used to be all about the shopping and the hum and hub of it all, then I swung to "AH! No! Never!" and now, well, I hardly know. We took time to talk with some of the aritsans who had tables in the central areas and picked up some sweet wooden toys from Africa. I avoided certain sections (sale racks of new women's clothes which I don't need but sure would have snatched up if within arm's reach!), stopped in others for a 'fix' (starbucks!), and allowed a breath of frustration at the attraction of stopping at just one big box store and collecting every stocking stuffer I could want. With a baby in the rain and limited time, well, it's easy. With a conscience and a set of growing ideals rooted in our family, well, it's tricky. Hm.

Anyways. There's something about these trips that makes my head feel somewhat foggy. I'm tired (c'mon, I'm a mama!), but it's more than that. I think I get so excited at the thought of a weekend away but I always forget that they involve traffic and questions and the continuation of broken sleep and early mornings. A true 'get away' lives more in the mind-set then in the location. If J and I are at peace with one another and Jem is content and our minds aren't stressed or distracted by finances or tasks or issues, then we can experience a true weekend of rest.

I have a few minutes before the boys wake up (yup, they're both napping). I need coffee.... I apologize for the fragmented feel of this post, perhaps I'll try again once I've got some of those GreenValley beans dripping through my system ;)

Preparing

2009-11-25T11:02:00.000-08:00

Hello friends :)

Can you believe we're nearing the end of November? Wow! Our one-year anniversary of our 'new life' is nearing. It's startling to realize that it's almost being a year since that fateful (and wonderful) evening conversation that put feet to our ideas. Who would have thought that now, 11 months later, our little family would be living in this life? But, I'll save those reflections for next month :)

Our preparations for the Advent Season are almost complete. While pregnant, I learned that the only way for me to truly relax and enjoy the season was to have all my busy work taken care of wel ahead of time. With that in mind, I have baked and frozen more than 200 Christmas goodies, roasted and packaged over 20 pounds of amazing GreenValley coffee, ordered most of the extra gifts to be given, and am soon to pack and ship my little parcels to our loved ones around the country. But, even with all this, I still feel a bit behind. There are still some gifts to find, floor boards to scrub, days to organize. The day-to-day doesn't often pause and I am forever pursuing the balance of rest, creation, work, and solitude.

How are you preparing for the coming season? One month from today is Christmas Day! Are you employing any new traditions or events? How do you respond to the swirl of plastic toys, crowded malls, and extra trappings? What are you most looking forward to as a family?
For us, we're looking forward to our first days in our new home. We're hoping to find a beautiful tree from our own forest, string it with popcorn and dried chinese lanterns from the garden, and read by the fire. We're going to watch Narnia on one of our first evenings, sip white hot chocolate, and hang the pictures and personal treasures that have been boxed away for the past year. It is going to be the most perfect Christmas ever :)

Anyways. Sweet Jemah is napping. I'm going to check on the progress up at the cabin and then begin dinner preperations for the guests pulling in this evening. Tonight: spinach, artichoke, and ricotta calzones with caesar salad. Yum!

Note: As most of you have read, I have entered the Blog to Inspire contest. Many of you know of my love of writing and sharing life through this medium. Creating, sharing, processing, and pondering, for me, is best achieved through writing. While I feel that I've somehow misplaced my former awareness of grammar and structure (would you believe I was a writing instructor in my 'former life'??? My word.) since giving birth and leaving sleep behind, I cannot neglect this beautiful form. That said, winning this contest would be a phenomenal and indescribable gift and inspiration! This is the kind of opportunity I have been searching for and desiring. So, if you support this blogging mama, continue to interact with me on the previous post and share the link wherever you can. Honestly, if you are so inclined, I welcome you to post it on your Facebook status, 'Tweet' it on Twitter, email it to people who might find it of interest, paint it on a bus... just kidding! The finalists will be chosen, in part, according to their engagement within the online community. Thanks!!!

I parent by nature

2009-11-21T21:19:00.000-08:00

“Baby wearing? Umm....Can you repeat the question?”

This stuttering response was the sum-total of my knowledge surrounding baby wearing. Expecting our first child, my husband Jeremy and I thought we had covered everything: A plush stash of cloth diapers, classes on labour and breastfeeding, a safe and toxin-free nursery, and the loopy naive grins of a couple who had yet to hit the delivery room. Given that we had a fresh-out-of-the-box stroller and able arms, we were assured that transporting our baby would be both simple and efficient (as parenting is supposed to be...right?).

Now, eighteen months later, I am on my way to living as an accomplished baby wearer.

What stimulated this unexpected choice? Perhaps it was the deep and lasting life-shift we experienced soon after Jeremiah was born; conversations, choices, and events leading us into a new journey and life-style which shaped our family into something much more fluid and organic than we had ever expected. Changes from synthetic products to natural, consumer roles to producer, urban living to mountain ranch, and employed to...not, may have played a role in nudging us towards adopting baby-wearing so enthusiastically. Or perhaps it was simply embracing the fact that when you’re a parent on the move your babe needs to move with you. While I remain unsure as to the specific event or reason motivating us to step into this incredible mode of interaction, I am confident that it will remain within our family as long as there are babies to wear.

Throughout the past several months, the following notes have been left scribbled for my husband Jeremy.

“Down at the lake, 5:00am, baby with me...”
“Took Jeremiah for a hike, back for breakfast...”
“Checking fences, 6:30am”
“Trail ride. Jeremiah’s with me.”

Through forests and across lakes, on horseback and at the kitchen sink, while nursing, cleaning, and conversing, in the company of mop, dog, or guest, my baby boy has been tucked in closely with those who love him. Beginning with a beautiful sling (presented as a gift from Jeremy after delivery), and currently with the oh-so-hardy Ergo, Jeremiah has been bundled, strapped, snuggled, and packed. On my back or his Papa’s, he knows he is safely stowed. Sleeping, observing, feeding, or simply soaking up whatever activity at hand, he is able to participate within the community of his family and with his world first-hand.

For many families, baby-wearing may be a pre-birth decision or a personal preference. For us, it has become a beautiful constant within our way of life. As a woman, and as a mama desiring to pursue natural parenting, I know this: Wearing my baby has introduced a freedom, strength, and unity to my life and family that was entirely unexpected and completely unplanned. There is a beautiful centeredness in the snuffling snore of my son dozing against my chest as I wander down our lane. There is a gentle respect and partnership as his Papa shares in carrying him through our journeys. There is secret warmth in the knowledge of Jeremiah nursing on the move; hidden and tucked away. There is an exhilarating strength in carrying my son’s growing frame upon my own; aware that my body continues to contribute to his.

“Baby wearing? Yes!”

As we journey onward, as our families grow and change, we will carry our babies close. As they outgrow their slings and wraps and carriers, we will continue to hold them; wrapping their dreams and cries and steps next to our own, wearing their lives next to our hearts.

Why did/didn't you choose to adopt baby-wearing in your own family? What is the greatest benefit that you have experienced? What has been the most significant challenge? I'd love to hear your experiences surrounding this topic, as well as other areas surrounding natural parenting and our shared life!
(This post is presented as my entry to Parenting By Nature's 'Blog to Inspire' contest! I'm so excited to be a part of this unique contest and look forward to interacting with more like-minded readers as we share our experiences. If this is inspiring to you, please pass this post along to your friends and help me share my entry and story!)

Scottish Caramel Shortbread

2009-11-21T13:00:00.000-08:00

This is a favorite in our house; it tastes like a Twix bar! The secret to getting both the taste and appearance perfect is in keeping the layers thin (especially the chocolate). This year I doubled it and used a JUMBO (like, full oven sized) cookie sheet with parchment paper. I think a single (non-doubled) recipe would fit a regular cookie sheet (with side edges of course), or rectangle cake pan. The crust will be crumbly so sprinkle it in evenly, then press in with hands, then smooth with the back of a fork (and beat it very well first, it's shortbread). Finely, keep your chocolate super thin, like candy bar coating thin, otherwise the bars will crack when cut.

Oh, one other thing. I usually do one batch with milk or semi-sweet chocolate and one with dark chocolate sprinkled with cracked sea salt. Yummers!!!! (freezes well, but don't do a bunch of freeze/thaws. Packs well. Very rich so cut into tiny squares.)

Ingredients
• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup ground almonds
• 3/4 cup butter
• 3/8 cup white sugar (wierd measure I know. Basically, 1/2 of 3/4, if that helps? 1/4 and an 1/8? wierd.
• 3 tablespoons golden syrup
• 1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
• 8 (1 ounce) squares high quality milk chocolate
Directions
1. Beat 1/2 cup butter and 1/4 cup sugar until pale. Add flour and ground almonds to form a soft dough.
2. Press dough into a pan that has been greased and lined with parchment paper. Bake shortbread at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 20 to 25 minutes, or until pale golden brown. Leave in pan until cool.
3. To Make Topping: Cook 3/4 cup butter, 3/8 cup sugar, syrup, and sweetened condensed milk in a saucepan on low heat. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Boil for 5 to 7 minutes until it has thickened and has a pale caramel color.
4. Spread caramel on cooled shortbread, and let set about 40 minutes. Melt chocolate over low heat. Spread melted chocolate on top of caramel (be sure the caramel has cooled first!)

2009-11-19T10:55:00.000-08:00

I feel as though I am living in a winter-dream. Hollywood-sized snowflakes, shaggy horses, eggnog and baking and glowing hearths are lending a surreal quality to our days here. It is beautiful! My life is beautiful! Even the struggles of marital communication, health, and sleepiness seem somehow hushed under this embracing blanket of Season.

I have been so impatient to move into Augusta, but now, in our longest stretch of living on the ranch without guests, I am finally finding a sense of home in this big open lodge we’ve been waiting within. Maybe it’s the baking or the carols, maybe it’s just having consecutive weeks of just being a family. Whatever the reason, it feels nice.

I am in the middle of a massive pan of Scottish shortbread (J’s FAVORITE), with plans of a variety of chocolate ‘barks’ in the next couple of hours. My goal is to finish all of my Christmas baking by the weekend. One third will go to The Ranch (owners, guests, etc) for their use and pleasure, one-third to us in Augusta, and one-third for packages and moments. The whole thing is much scaled down from previous years. Partially, because I’m aware of how crazy it got last year (long story involving over-baking leading to over-indulgence...), how pricey it is, and how in fact my identity isn’t based on what I bake ;)

So, this year’s Christmas goodies are:

- Scottish caramel shortbread
- Lemon squares
- ginger molasses cookies (soft and spicey, with most of the batch frozen in little dough balls to bake fresh whenever guests desire)
- apricot sage cookies (a very classy and ‘grown up’ looking new cookie. Totally different, uses fresh sage in the dough.
(the above 4 are all done!)
- teriyaki nuts (made a huge bunch last night and...burnt them to a crisp! We’ll see....)
- white chocolate almond/cranberry bark
- milk/dark espresso bark
- butter-tarts/tartlets/squares (we’ll see what form they take this time....)
- maybe...my favourite chocolate dipped orange pecan shortbread.... (But they will have to be locked up!)
- something minty....
- maybe this new lemony cookie i saw....
- and lots of fresh roasted coffee!

Okay. Much too much time online—yikes! Gotta go! OH! And yes, I will be posting one of these recipes every few days so you can try them too! 

Sunday Afternoon

2009-11-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

"Hey Mama and Papa! I'm ready to go outside!!"

So we all bundled up and headed out into the fresh flakes to have a Sunday of family play time (and yup, Sarah, it's cold!)(recognize this scarf Sadie?)

Despite the cold and snow and frosty cheeks, this was one happy boy :)

2009-11-14T17:04:00.001-08:00

This morning over pancakes J suggested "getting away". So, we packed up and drove to the city. I wasn't sure if I was into making the effort; baby, winter gear, energy, etc., but it turned out really well. We got our Christmas shopping (almost!) done, had a solid dose of crowds and traffic, and enjoyed a killer meal at Milestones (I had the beef dip with yam fries-- yummers! And Jem stayed happy the whole time with a stick of garlic bread and yams!). We're home in time to get the hosue warmed up again and put a pizza in the oven.

2009-11-13T12:39:00.001-08:00

Follow up

2009-11-11T09:02:00.000-08:00

I
Hey!
Thanks for the interaction on the purse post-- awesome! Some thoughts, in response to some of the comments--
Yes, I heartily agree!!! The whole point was that :) Whether it's a purse or an organic-handmade toy, the issue is that all-consuming desire, that wrongly directed lingering grasp. It had little to do with whether thigs are synthetic or natural or whatever, the point was the desire and the fact that we allow ourselves to get so enamoured with material goods. Seeing it aside from my own heart was helpful as I rarely have the opportunity to see how bizarre these attachments really are. We can say it's an issue in our lives, we can say we feel it, but to actually witness something so acutely outside of our own clouded internal vision can really bring it home and renew the desire to learn how to live open-handed and with little. The fact is, it was a bizarre and wrongly directed kind of fascination with material objects. It hit my square in the face and made me realize (for myself, in my own life, regarding my own issues and desires), "Crap! Danger! Watch out! Run away! Learn what is good and truly valuable!"
And, I am in no way saying I have achieved anything here. As confessed before, my own heart is fickle and longs after much. I'm finding that going back to basics (ie. cutting myself off in a sense, and re-starting, kind of) has being a helpful approach. If I were to live in the heart of New York or with unlimited funds, etc., I would still find it very difficult to life the kind of life I am hoping to find. I am responsible for my own actions, my own choices and responses. If I can learn from those around me, judge my own life without excuse, and set my heart towards what is Good, I can hold to hope for a life that is more than myself.
Does this make sense?

2009-11-09T10:57:00.000-08:00

This weekend, the women of the ranch bundled up and loaded wood. We seriously worked SO hard! My legs were shaking, my arms were numb, and today I'm starting to see some new little muscles-- yay! There was something really neat in the fact that it was just the women (well, until J came and rescued us and helped us finish...!). We trudged out into the snowy afternoon (babe on my back), we planned and laughed and figured out a system that worked for us, and we returned with the job done. God bless the women!

all in a day's work

2009-11-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have evenings where you just are brimming with contentment? Tonight is like that. Truth be told, life isn't always peachy up here. J and I are often in conflict as we work through discussion of philosophy, theology, and general 'life'. My body continues to push against me; somedays with maddening force and insight. There is always another task or project which could be done, if we were willing to give all of our time to the work of our hands. All that is to say: Today we worked incredibly hard, navigated through the points of conflict, triumphed through physical aches and limites, partnered with the kiddo, and emerged into the evening with a sense of productivity and hope of rest. The next couple of hours are ours alone. There are nachoes in the oven, wine ready to be poured, and a bedroom cozy with firelight.
This evening is am brimming over with a full cup, and it is good.

J is putting Jem to bed now as the wind howls. The wind up here is phenomenal. Seriously! It shakes this whole timber home as though it were a child's toy! The power just cut out so we've gathered the kerosene lamps to have on hand, just in case. We live 'off the grid', using a generator. I'm not sure if it's the wind or a generator issue, but we could have a funny night ahead (hmm...that might cut out the movie aspect of our date night....)

Anyways.

My skin smells like citronella and sweet orange and lavender from my days work. My hands are rough and my back aches. I live in a millionaire's home and scrub the mantle on hands and knees; ah the sweet life! I love this beautiful beautiful life and the fact that I can sit this evening and drink of it.

Tartlets and cleaners

2009-11-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

My son is laughing uncontrollably as his dad reads a picture book of animals. Whenever Jem points at the turkey J goes, "gobble gobble gobble!!!" and it is SO funny! We're all laughing now :)

Today was well spent. As some may have read earlier, I have fallen in love with teeny little tartlets. I just use a mini-muffin pan and one of two favorite pastry recipes to create incredible morsels of yumminess. They're such adorable little bites that I just can't resist making more of them and experimenting with more flavours! So far I've made pumpkin-toffee, brandied-nut, and maple-apple. Next up are butter ones, and maybe soemting like cranberry whitechocolate...hmmm.... But yeah, I highly recommend playing with these. They freeze well, present nicely, and can provide a lot of variety to a dessert plate. And they soothe a baking-addict's desire when needed ;)

Do any of you live in a log home? I concocted an amazing cleaner today. Basically, hot water and baking soade with citronella essential oil (not fragrance oil). I think any citrus-based oil would work well. But yeah, it really cut into the grime on the wood railings, ledges, cupboards, and table. I didn't even know they were the light yellow color that I uncovered--yikes!!!
Random: I also made a seriously potent mouth wash! I used organic cranberry juice (with NO sweetener! Very expensive, only available in health food stores), witch hazel, and pure mint oil. WOW! It's refreshing, antibacterial, and whitening!

It's soon bedtime for baby--yay! I am SO tired these days. My body is feeling wonky and I"m not sure why :( We had a nice evening together and I think we're all ready for a cozy evening of reading and an early bedtime.

Spero

2009-10-31T11:02:00.001-07:00

What is it about this life that brings such a sense of both satisfaction and desire? Why am I pleased when I consider the pile of wood my husband carried in, or the simple undyed playdough I made for my son? Why do I find Jem’s little woollen slippers more attractive upon his feet than branded sneakers, or those same feet bare on the grass instead of upon concrete, or those toes grimey with the dirt of exploration instead of...well, you get the picture.

I feel the need to ask myself these things. For some reason I am intensely drawn to the idea of growing food, creating clothing, eating ...differently, and living with less than I am comfortable. But why? Why is this attractive to me? Why does my stomach get all churny and funny when I read about housing hens or knitting little-boy-sweaters or creating something beautiful out of nothing? In so many ways it just doesn’t make sense. I mean, I grew up in an age and culture where the end goal of education and development was (seemingly) to acquire a career which would generate a steady and increasing income and allow me the comforts I desired. Even now, my parents yearn for more materials, less inconvenience, more comfort. Lettered names, square footage, branded clothes; these all remain incredibly attractive to people everywhere, and in some ways I could see how I could be drawn back into those cravings. Yet, this other life causes a greater hunger and a greater hope of happiness.

I keep picturing us finally moving into our little cabin. I see J reading by the fire, Jem with a small crate of toys, and me, just living; breathing without panic, content and at peace. I see glass jars with lentils and beans and grain, fresh bread and eggs, wooden toys, linen skirts, woollen sweaters. I sense the absence of fear; fear of conflict, fear of loss, fear of not getting that thing or the other, or losing it all. I see our family with a sense of wholeness and health, willing to live with what we are given and without a lust for more. I do not want to return to asphalt and malls and traffic. I don’t trust myself, yet, to act rightly within reach of all those things I once craved and clung to as I recognize that I am so easily distracted and convinced.

I am drawn to this other life. I am drawn to the hope of health and beauty and harmony. I am drawn to that picture of a life in which I can learn to seek what is good. I want it to be real. I want it to be true.

Dum spiro espero. While I breathe I hope.

-

Step away

2009-10-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

This week I stepped away for a short visit with a friend a couple hours away from the ranch. As I drove, I listened to some recorded lectures, chatted with my baby, and gained confidence in my driving with the big new truck and the icy roads. During my visit I witnessed my sweet friend discipline her child, care for her home, and go about her daily routine. We chatted and shared bits on life and marriage and issues and new things, we walked and napped, we watched our kids play. On the drive home last night I became aware of an important responsibility in our lives, or at least in my life: It is good to step away. It is beneficial to step out of your 'zone' for enough time to witness points of contrast and possibility.
Though my visit was brief, I was challenged and encouraged to reconsider some approaches to parenting, to reflect on my marriage, and to think about myself for a moment. From the outside, I was able to recognize points of wrongdoing and areas in need of change; things that are often much more difficult to take stock of when you are in the midst of it.

So then. As mothers, business people, land-keepers, students, etc., how we can ensure these excursions? How may we encourage each other in these things; both to our friends and our spouses? Hmm. I think J' needs his own time out soon....

Anyways.
We awoke to a big dump of snow. Jem wasn't a huge fan of it (which I didn't help by flipping his sled and landing him on his face!!!). The horses are really frisky and even Shasta (our baby girl) tried kicking her heels at me! I went down to the lake to try to get some trout when Jem went down for his nap, but no luck yet :( Now i'm entering 'afternoon chore mode' while J works at the cabin. Oh to be in our new home.... Oh to be patient.

Happy Thursday. May you find an ear to hear your heart today.

2009-10-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

This ranch mama tried her hand at fencing, with the bambino in tow. Take that cows!

Waiting and learning and learning to wait

2009-10-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

We’ve been without a traditional living space for eight months now. It’s been awesome, awful, and everything in between. We’ve learned how to live without items, utilities, and general conveniences which at one time would have been deemed necessities. Organization of clothes, paperwork, compost, and dishes has taken on an art form (yet remains a challenge, go figure). The appreciation of a quality mattress and comfortable temperature is much greater than I ever knew. The loathing of motor-homes an unexpected side effect ;)

All this is to say that for I am growing impatient and eager and…desperate (!) for a return to my own house, my own stretch-out-in-it living space. I can hardly wait. I can HARDLY wait!!! The couple we work for is building a killer caretaker’s cabin. It’s gorgeous. It’s small and perfect and detailed with thought and design. We are going to create a home within it and it will be wonderful.

However…. My sense of impatience needs to be yet another “breathe in…breathe out” moment in this journey. The cabin is going to be finished someday. It’s coming. Whether we spend this Christmas in it or not, or whether we have to keep waiting: we know that as long as we continue good work here we will move into that special dwelling place, we will settle in and have coffee on the veranda and read books by the fire. I planted bulbs in the rocky area in front of it this morning in hope of seeing them bloom from my own windows there in the spring. Plant and wait.
For the moment, we are living in the main house; a huge log cabin with gorgeous furnishings. Our room is fantastic and we are exceedingly blessed. We have access to so much more than we deserve and we spend each evening in a place beyond what we could ever afford. So, I embrace the wait and skip down the stretching road and look ahead with hope and expectation, and patience.
(and, if you can tell, I am so tired and will now, with hope, skip to my bed…)

Evensong

2009-10-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

The day was filled with work outside in the gorgeous air....

And the evening with apples in the fire-warmed kitchen. Beautiful autumn....

Home on the Horizen

2009-10-15T13:40:00.001-07:00

There's a couldron of chickpea curry simmering on the woodstove as pastry for the newest crop of apples chills in the fridge. Jem is chasing a pair of chipmunks by the bird feeder out front while J continues work up at the barn. My apron is floured and I'm wearing awkwardly thick socks stuffed into garishly turqoise crocks. The air has warmed to a 'normal' fall temperature and two doors are open to accomodate baby and dog as they move in and out between adventures.

I'm tired and well.

I think there must be several stages to finding home and digging in roots, and I think it may be a deeper and more involved process than we may first expect. While we can have points of relief or happiness, I think there are more intricate layers of trust and ownership and participation which have to be experienced before one moves towards an honest and lasting rootedness which brings a mixture of joy and solidarity, even in the face of change or question.
Anyways. I don't know, I'm just starting to feel or see something on the horizon that is good. We've had so many changes, so many places of dwelling, so many valuable experiences and pit stops. I'm hoping this is all of those, but so much more.

Vision

2009-10-14T17:38:00.000-07:00

I feel so inspired today!
I'm not sure what has brought about the change, but I could feel it stirring and I can finally see it in points of attitude and action. I am filling with a growing desire to contribute more and dig in and let go and...welll, go all in. I think that anyone who has experienced or witnessed ups and downs and changes quite near each other will develop a hesitancy to fully invest or fully let go of all plan B's. It's just what happens, no matter how much we say we don't or won't or, whatever. But today I found myself in this small-town outdoor apparell store charging up all kinds of tough ranch-specific outdoor clothes (courtesy of my ridiculously generous employer), skipping through manure sporting my new canvas Carhartt vest, learning to use J's drill so I could help with the winterizing of the barn, and planning out an evening of apple pie creation. It's different. For today, it doesn't feel like work so much as contribution to community. And that my friends is why we are here on this mountain in this very foreign life.

I love the teeny glimpses of light through fog and hope upon plateaus.

I smell like barn.... I should go!

2009-10-13T19:59:00.001-07:00

Four fires burning. Baby finally sleeping. Eggs and hashbrowns for a late supper. Frost descending. Sleepy eyes and cozy thoughts. Night time comes to the ranch.

Untitled

2009-10-12T12:47:00.000-07:00

(Note: Jeremiah broke in and posted this with his own additions when I had to leave the computer this afternoon-- wow! Sometimes I write and process on here and then go back and edit it and rethink things before I post. Thanks for joining the conversation friends!)

Hello.
J and I just came in from a beautiful trail ride through a new section of forest on the ranch. The colors and brisk air and break from the pace of the weekend were appreciated. It's funny, while I can post pictures or explain bits of days or experiences, it's actually quite difficult to truly explain the kind of life we have out here. It's beautiful and wierd and so full of blessing and wonder, but you all know that already. What you don't know is that the rhytm of balance and growth continues to be difficult to attain. The 'fear of man' continues to be present through new experiences and expressions. The pressure to gain affirmation through overwork is a constant presence.
There have been a precious few days of quiet family time and working in our own rythm and creative energy. There are many days of people and eyes and opinions as we try to be everything our employers expect us to be. There are days when we fail and talk and apply new lessons and continue to attemp service and work and learn from our mistakes. There are days when we get caught in that dangerous swirl of trying to please every present eye and voice and criticism and then find ourselves slipping away on a trail ride to breathe and let it all go.
As I've written before; wherever we are present, it is possible to walk in turmoil, stress, joy, rest, growth, frustration, and change. My hope is that we will learn how to serve these lords and ladies with gladness while cultivating rest and guarding our hearts against all those draining forces that pushed us onto our gypsy path in the beginning. But friends, it is much more difficult to really live this each day than it is to think of it as an ideal and concept.

So then, how do you do it? Or do you?

Our response so far has been to work beyond our positions, adding on hours within each of our days. We do what is required and more, and we keep senses open as to be aware of unspoken requests and preferences. So far, the appearance and productivity of overwork is well received, but it leads to points of strain as well as confusion when we actually do stop. Hmm.

Anyways. I recognize this is a tricky conversation, especially on open domain. The fact is though; I hope to be as open and inquisitive as I can on this quest. This blog is for the questions and discoveries and ins and outs of 'less loaded', and the questions of the day are loaded indeed.

Happy Monday to you. May you find rest.

Giving Thanks

2009-10-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend!!!
This weekend finds us in deepening thoghts of thankfulness as we continue on our journey in action and 'the seen', as well as in processing and connecting all these points of life. This time last year we were celebrating with family in Alberta, convinced that we'd finally settled in for the long haul in our little town. Now, after a year of motion and change and, we are again in that mindset of, "here we are, this is it, we're not moving for at least a decade!". I pray that this time next year we will be reflecting with thankfulness on a year of roots and home and growth. Here.

So now. Sitting by the woodstove in our room. It is COLD up here! (about -10 celcius). The water trough is frozen and the dilema of the weekend is how to get water to our 5 horses. The lake is foggy and grey. My toes are numb, my nose is wet, and Jem's cheeks are rosy rosy red. It feels like Christmas :) It's funny, one of the (many) factors in moving West instead of other locations was the lure of mild and moist winters in the Valley. Hahaha. Now we're 4000 feet higher in a dry and soon to be bone-chilling cold. Interesting how things work.....

In other news....
Our little cabin continues to be developed. The tin was started this week and now the roof is halfway completed. There is still much to be done, but we keep walking up there and looking ahead with growing excitement. This might really happen! Well actually, this IS really happening! We're going to have a sweet little home to cozy up in by Christmas and I can hardly wait. Logs hewn from this land and fires burning as we cozy up with babies and dreams.

Well, time to go. This was a little scattered but I'm determined to update more, here and there. Again, happy weekend, give thanks!

winter fall winter fall.....

2009-10-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

Good morning :)

Snow is falling in hollywood style fluffy clumps. Beautiful! The golden trees offer a glowing contrast to the soft white that is slowy drifting down. There's a turkey in the oven, soup simmering, and two fires burning. Unfortunately, it's only the third day in October and NOT Christmas, though you can't tell by the early change of seasons :)

ad augusta per angusta

2009-09-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

I continually plan on posting more through this venue, and I continually neglect it. I’m hoping that the cold weather and slower pace of activities, guests, chores, and processing will open up more opportunities for writing in the months ahead. I wonder if people are really checking in? When I began this specific blog, I envisioned it being a type of meeting place for others walking a similar path or considering similar ideas; simplicity, change, materialism, family, health, balance, etc. Hmm. Perhaps if I was actually posting with regularity the conversation wouldn’t be so stilted ;)

The ranch in which we live is beautiful. It’s rugged and wild and somewhat difficult to get to with small vehicles. It’s already feeling the deep chill of hard frost and the colors are already settling on the ground instead of the branches. It’s a unique experience to live week by week with no idea about what’s coming in the next season. The climate is more similar to my prairie upbringing than J’s Valley years, yet it’s entirely unique. It’s somewhat extreme: very hot, very cold, very…everything. Maybe that’s where Jem is picking up his expressions and reactions—all out, all the time.

Before the new year arrives, my little family will be moving into a brand new hand hewn log cabin. Each piece of wood has been harvested from our ranch and individually milled at the ranch down the mountain. Each log is notched together by careful strokes of saw and ax through the craftsmanship of our French Canadian white haired neighbour. It’s small (well, only according to our North American standards), cozy, unique, and a piece of art. I am so excited to move in. SO excited to dig out pictures and the few books we have left, to set up Jem’s crib, to make a meal at our own family table. We will make this place a home.

We've been asked by our employers to choose a name for our new dwelling place. After much thought and discussion we chose, Ad Augusta per Angusta, a beautiful latin phrase meaning, "To high places by narrow roads." This phrase not only literally describes the cabin, but it aptly reflects our journey and continuing desire and experience. We'll call it Augusta for short as we continue through these narrow roads to these higher places.

Feels Like Home

2009-09-14T09:33:00.000-07:00

Six months ago our family of three moved into a motor home on a driveway.
Last week we saw the (second) motorhome driveaway without us in it.
One week ago we moved into the main house here at the ranch, into the master suite, and spent our first night settled into this real and beautiful house.
We're sleeping on a beautiful bed which doesn't shake the entire house when we turn over. We're bathing in a beautiful clawfoot tub situated next to windows and rose bushes. We're reading by the little woodstove in the far corner. We're enjoying the fact that the (worthwhile, challenging, and beneficical) motorhome season has drawn to a close.

We've had a few homes this year, so far. In each one we've managed to create a sense of home and 'place'. What creates 'home' for you?

2009-08-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

Hellooooo!
I know. It's been awhile! Sorry :(

Friends, I have much to share. The past month has been full and amazing and challenging and, well, different. I am learning so much.

What I am learning:
- A life can be as hectic, empty, miserable, and unsatisfying as you are willing to allow. No matter where you dwell.
- The presence of bounty and unlimited good things (food, recreation, etc) doesn't always lead to a lust for more (you know, how we're always told o0nce you have some you just want more, etc?). Been able to choose can actually lead to an awareness of what you want, what you actually value, what's worth the time/effort/cost/energy. Interesting.
- We are not called to please everyone. We are not called to 'look busy'. We cannot be at peace if we only strive to busily please everyone ;) Figure out what's worth it. What's worth pushing in a few extra hours of work. Decide what is 'work'. What's worth staying up past midnight? Figure out what constitutes a conflict and what needs to be let go, or casually talked about over coffee.
- Learn how to ask a question instead of tell it.
- Be tidy.
- Stop and see where you are. Be there.

Rough stock

2009-08-17T12:54:00.002-07:00

It's been awhile! Sorry!

Last night I was presented with a reminder to live well, embrace those lives dear to me, and keep short accounts of all issues, questions, and burdens. I decided to teach myself how to ride the dirtbike and, upon finding that I was SO awesome at it ;), decided to head down the road on a zippy little adventure. Long story short: I hit the dirt. Bike spinning, helmet plowing, and bare arms skidding, I plastered myself onto the gravel road. It hurt. It scared me. It reminded me that one can never know when that conversation or phone call or lack of was the last.

This afternoon I'm stiff and scraped and exhausted, but I'm in one piece and enjoying my sweet life with my family. Who knows? Maybe a little faster or a forgotten helmet... today might have looked much different.

Thank you for sharing life with me today.

Earth Wash

2009-07-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

Thunder is crashing around us while the fire patrol helicopters zip through the clouds. The lightening and overall display of power and cleansing has been fantastic. Right now there seems to be a bit of a pause between the hail and wind and the whole ranch-yard is steaming and fresh with a sense of coolness which has been absent for days. I'm sitting on the veranda with a bowl of cherries, the baby moniter, and a collecton of dogs at my feet. What a beautiful moment.

Kinda having a sweet time

2009-07-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Some pics from our week in the heat wave. Temps above 30 everyday. Lots of work, lots of play, lots of things in motion.
(BTW, GreenValley is going to be feautured in a Portland-based magazine. They heard about us, love our story, called us up, and away it went. How bizarre!)

(scratch that. internet keeps cutting out and the pics aren't working. later!)

2009-07-26T21:59:00.001-07:00

I have created myself a new office. In my opinion, it far exceeds the upholstered confines of my past office zone. It has hardwood floor and muted natural light. The open rafters could almost be termed ‘valued ceiling’ and the breeze drifting through could certinaly by likened to central air. Six hundred bales of freshly cut hay lend a sweet and earthy scent, and the fact that I’m the only one who knows I’m here at this moment creates that comforting sense of ‘secret’.
My hayloft office. In times like these….

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

2009-07-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

Hey! Our story finally came out in the paper! http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=104848368023&h=aBywo&u=MBMcU&ref=nf The interview was done months ago and much has changed since then, but it's still cool! for now, we're roasting part-time and still supplying the store mentioned (The Docks) as well as some mail orders, while working at the ranch. Hm, crazy how things come about....

My buddy Jack ;)

2009-07-12T10:08:00.000-07:00

Throughout our journey this year, I found myself embracing the music and lyrics of artist Jack Johnson. His disc 'On and On' has been especially present; played and replayed and applied to countless moments. Almost every song has been a challenge or support in our steps and I have found mysefl inceasingly thankful for his contribution to our life.
This morning, over oatmeal and fresh coffee, I couldn't help type out the lyrics to my favorite track. An exceptional song.

Gone.
(Jack Johnson)

Look at all those fancy clothes
but these will keep us warm just like those.
And what about your soul is it cold
is it
straight from the mold and ready to be sold?
cars and phones and diamond rings…
bling bling
Those are only removable things
And what about your mind? Does it shine?
Are there things that consume you more than your time?
Gone, going, gone everyththing
Gone, give a damn
gone be the birds cuz they don’t want to sing
gone people all awkward with their things

look at you out to make a deal
you try to be appealing but you lose your appeal
and what about those shoes you’re in today
they’ll do no good on the bridges you burnt along the way
you willing to sell everything, gone with your herd
leave your footprints, we’ll shame them with our words
gone people, all careless and consumed
gone
gone going gone everything gone give a damn
gone be the birds if they don’t want to sing
gone people all awkward with their things
gone

(Yikes, live that hey? Hmm>)

2009-07-10T22:53:00.001-07:00

Good evening :)
We're in the Valley; roasting coffee, visiting with the grandparents, catching up on sushi and traffic and asphalt. Early this morning I played with a herd of yearlings with Jem on my back. Later, I rode my favorite mount (of the four) through a new section of the property and discovered a whole mass of Saskatoon berry bushes on the verge of ripeness. As we drove away from the ranch we came across a young black bear foraging in an open field. Since arriving back in the city I've cooked a mass of bean curry, read a book on the back porch, and gulped in hours of high-speed internet while leaving phone messages through free long-distance calling. What a day!

I'm do tired. I find my mind is too filled with ideas and projects and opportunities (and caffeine) to settle down in the evening. And now, well, there's just so much to look at and screen-shop and such ;) Ah yes.

Anyways.

I'm doing well. WE'RE doing well. I'm learning a lot and also re-learning. It's an interesting exercise to return to this home in the Valley and feel some the frayed replay of emotions and strain of the spring and remember some of those days. Now, from my temporary plateaued home, I can see some of the very acute points of weakness and failure of the newly ended season. There are twinges of remorse and guilt and sadness, though these are paired with a new and living resolve and strength. In only months, I have become another person all over again. It's fascinating.

Part of what I am learning this month is that any life can be 'loaded' any where. We can stress or sin or break or whatever in an overworked office or an abandoned mountain, we can blame the boss or the weather or the Creator of them, we can run or hide or whatever. The pulse of a life less loaded lives within hourly choice of conscience and faith and value. It moves through health and confidence; unity of marriage and body and spirit; freedom to risk and fail.

I've tried and failed and tried and failed again, so now we continue to try and walk and dance and swirl within it all. And it's beautiful. And we'll fail again. And we'll unload and laugh and cry and .... And we'll learn and live and live learning; learn living.

Lovin' it....

Cultivating

2009-06-22T15:47:00.001-07:00

You know what I just ate? A pot of beet greens; steamed and swimming in salt and butter- Yum!!! We're in the Valley for two days and the growing climate in this area brings Eden to mind! My pea stalks are taller than I am and have toppled over from their own weight (and are laden with pods!). The tomatoes are full of blooms, I picked a whole grocery bag of swiss chard, the squash are blooming and wrestling with the pea vines, the herbs are ready for use, and the beets, well, they've been enjoyed to their end :)
It is simply mind-boggling to work with such a tiny plot of dirt which gives such an incredible harvest, and in JUNE! I mean, back in the Hills we were only starting to see bits of green at this time of year. Very cool. Oh! And while picking the garden just now we looked up to see another cherry tree (which apparently hasn't given fruit in years) ilterally hanging with rich red clusters. 20 minutes gave us about 4 pounds of fruit. Incredible.

Anyways.

We've been in the Valley to roast and create and visit for two days and are heading back up the mountainn first thing tomorrow. Our life is barrelling forward and the pace hasn't slowed just yet, but now we feel woven into the ride instead of desperatly entangled and struggling to break free. We're having a blast and really looking forward to growing together as a family in the midst of our new roles and opportunities. Our location, employment, and the whole season surrounding it all is emerging as such a gift. We're not about to take any of these unexpected turns for granted; we've learned just how deep and challenging things can become so quickly; but we're going to soak it up and really live in each step as it comes. Hm. That is the lesson of my day I think: Be Here. Be here now. Be fully present, in each moment.

photos. Words to follow.

2009-06-21T12:12:00.001-07:00

Hmm...I wrote a whole post and it has dissapeared. Well, here's the pics!

Here we are.

2009-06-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

Hello!
To truly communicate the experiences and feelings of the past week would require you to step within my mind and heart; witnessing new sights, feeling new and deep emotions, and processing startling points of faith, relationship, and trust. These days have been overwhelming. They have been affirming. They have been terrifying. All in all, the past several days have held some of the most unexpected and foreign steps of this year. Within them, I am finding a tapestry of hope and fear and need; recognizing just how tattered I have become through the past season and how desperate my need is for peace, rest, and a sense of home.

We are here, settling into our new home. It is a beautiful and wild place, built on land that is unfamiliar to my family. Framed by ponderosa pines, lakes, and roaming cattle, we are in the heart of cowboy country. Our visit into town this morning included my first purchase of Carhart pants, a red bandanna for our black lab, and a pair of hiking shoes able to navigate the varied terrain. It's a whole new life, all over again.

As I write this, J is putting more sheets on the line from the last guests while the dusk and dew settles on the lake and the loons come home. It is surprisingly cool out though the sky is still lit. The lodge is quiet and the baby is snuggled in for the night.

I'm off to sit and breathe for a moment. Good night.

Tomorrow it all begins. Again.

2009-06-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

A pot for oatmeal. A pan for savory things and pancakes. Coffee beans, wine, and necesary equipment through which to enjoy them. Paints. A piece or two of literature. Indian curry spices. Crock pot. Seeds to begin a new garden. Camera. Clothes to last until a drastic change of season. Laptops. Dog. Pillow. Diapers and the one wearing them. Pot of lavender. Scrabble.

What would you take? If you were moving on to your next life tomorrow and could pack one car-load, what would make the trip and what would be sent away to storage or the sale pile? For me, the above is most of it. I'm sure there are a few things that will yet be added; stroller, toothpaste, strawberry plant; but really, this is about it. Truth be told, I like it.
The car is packed and the suitaces tied down on top. I'm full of wine and blue tortilla chips and sitting in the newly emptied camper. It's so clean and spacious when emptied that I can't help but think it's one fine living space. It's not difficult to jump back a week or two though and remember the intense dissaray-- yikes! But now, clean and empty, it continues to offer shelter and a teeny sense of home.

The past couple weeks have been difficult. Packing and repacking, celebrating for a brief few days that a new child was on the way...and then not, re-thinking and re-visioning and then jumping back again, cleaning and sorting and discarding all over again, working with the unexplainable ups and downs of hormones and interupted sleep and toll-booths of life. Difficult. Hm. Difficult, but not an excuse and not insurmountable. Difficult, yet rife with blessings and hope and points of understanding. Difficulty leading to strength; strength leading to joy.

Tomorrow, June 12th, we will drive away from this sweet urban plot and head up the mountain. New life part 2. Part 52! Three months ago (March 12th) I sat with two sweet lives in a purple-painted home drinking port and pie and toasting our grand adventure and our sweet fellowship. Three months before that evening J's job was snatched from him and we started to ask horrible questions of consequence leading to a stinky ol' camper and crazy conversations and painful ridicule and wonderous discovery. Six months in all. Six months and we're about to take our belongings and drive up a logging road to live in another (nicer more spacious) camper and continue this journey of life and value. Six months! Half a year! A thousand possible lifetimes.

I'm not entirely sure who all stops by at this blog but I love the opportunity to share and process through it. Thank you for sharing in this journey. May you find the community you need and the life you've always wanted.

3 sleeps

2009-06-09T22:10:00.001-07:00

The trailer is quiet and dim with just one little lamp shining. The air is warm and moist and shadowed. Jem's sleep-sheep is cooing in the background and J is already tucked in the loft (hahaha...the loft!). My eyes are thick with sleep but it has been days since I've had a spare moment to catch up on my 'screen life' I live through blogs and emails and all those handy and awful tools.

We have two full days left (3 sleeps) before we head up the mountain to our new life. New life part 2, or 10 or...something. I am finding a growing sense of nervousness. Is all going to work out? Can we pull this off? Will we grow stronger and better through our mistakes (I'm not even asking IF we'll make mistakes, that one's a given!). Hm. It's through days like these that I'm forced to face my sweet phrases such as, "It's the journey..." "Life is a process..." "Things take time...", etc., and to recognize that I'd rather just be at the comfy safe destination sharing legends of valour and character and confidently telling people that everything always works out just so nicely. Hmm ;)
Y'know what? There's always going to be something. (watch out-- tangent!). If it's not a job change it'll be a pregnancy or a conflict or a house or a chang in health or an election or a new dog or.... Stuff happens; change and conflict and question(s)(ing) is simply necessary. Personally, I am most tempted to flip out and dissapear into a hole of anxiety, deep breaths, blame-games, and emotionally charged sessions of brooding and discussing. I am learning however, that there are other options. I can breathe, and just breathe. I can stop and smile and see what is real. I can walk away, or walk towards, or just be still. I can do an awful lot. I often don't. Correction! I often DO an awful lot, though it's more 'lots of awful'.
Anyways. Point? I'm a strong person. So are you. Now and again we can choose how we respond and how we see our situations and our world, and that is neat.
(end of tangent)

I fear I am too sleepy to pull together any thoughts worth recording. I'm going to go wash up and snuggle in and pray for rest.

(bridge)

2009-05-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in the trailer and avoiding the excessive mess around me. It's time to clean this place out and look towards resale (I'll explain later), but we have settled in here quite thoroughly. My dear husband's system is to emtpy the drawers and cabinets...and then head to the next town to play tennis and help a friend move. Hmm. My system it to stare at it all, shift the piles to the next square foot, refold/repackage, stare, and head to my computer. Niether of these systems are really working for me. Hmph.
For all we've discarded in the past 1/2 year you would think it would be easier to deal with repacking. Unfortunately, it looks like I have yet to learn some key points in clutter-control. What do people do with those little scraps and bits; cards, travel mugs, magazines, containers...? One of my sisterIL's is so wonderfully organized and her house is so beautiful. I need to learn her system!

Anyways!

So, we're moving.

That got your attention didn't it?
I wish I had the energy and focus to write a beautiful summary of how it all came to be. For now, you'll have to be satisfied with a basic summary.
In one sentence: We've accepted a caretaker-type position on a sprawling mountain ranch where we can reside, roast coffee, create, pray, process the past months/years, receive an income, and just 'be'. It's about two hours from our current residence and situated on 850 acres. We'll be spending the first months in another motor home (but bigger! and likely cleaner!), and then we'll see from there. GreenValley coffee will continue to be 'based' in the current city and we'll continue to supply the sweet store hosting our beans as well as online customers and some markets here and there.
How did this come about? Conversations, connections, and much movement in the unseen.
What do we think about it? Yes please.
_________

When we began this journey I had no idea where it would lead. I thought I knew what some of the end-points would look like, but I didn't realize how incredibly difficult all those mid-points would be. I have aged, our marriage has been excessivly strained, our finances have become a punch line. But right now we're at one of those very rare plateaus upon which we can see the trail leading to this point and how all things have been working together, while at the same time seeing a glimpse of the hope ahead and that there really is an open road and not a pit.
I am ready to find quiet and rest. I am looking forward to being snowed in for a bit and finding my artist's expression. I want to see J working hard and enjoying it without destroying his body or spirit. I can't wait to see Jem ride a horse or catch a frog or hear the coyotes.

We've retained our AB habit of walking wherever we can. Just before this new position was confirmed we walked downtown and back. We saw the geese in the pond, passed the scantily-clad teens, the quiet street people, and the oblivious. We commented that, while the convenience and offerings of the city have been great, we're more than fine with the quiet and isolation of the ranch. For us, solitude paired with the opporunity to do what we enjoy and think about who we've become is a beautiful thing.

So then, we are celebrating and preparing to move on, again. For those who have offered criticism alone, we invite quietness. But for those who have supported, conversed, and considered, we invite you to step ahead with us and look back and forward. Let's soak in the Sun of this plateau. Let's breathe and rest. And let's keep moving on; down and up, always forward.

Cuz it's friday

2009-05-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

EDIT:
The cupcakes turned out GREAT! Want the recipe? It's modified, of course ;) But yummers! We're taking them out for a picnic tonight. The mini ones are especially nice; just as much frosting as cake! ;)

Chocolate Cupcakes:
1/2 cup (50 grams) organic cocoa powder
1 cup (240 ml) boiling hot water
1 1/3 cups (175 grams) organic all purpose flour (I think spelt would work well here too!)
1 1/2 tablespoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup butter, room temperature
¼ cup plain yogurt
1/2 cup organic granulated white sugar
½ cup unsweetened applesauce
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
10 drops liquid stevia
2 teaspoons instant coffee granules

Chocolate Fudge Frosting:
½ cup chocolate, coarsely chopped (bakers, melting, whatever. Or cocoa?)
1/3 cup butter, room temperature
1 cup icing sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract (or kahlua or rum or maple or…hmmm!)

Preheat to 375 degrees F
Prep muffin tins (I made 12 regular ones and 12 teeny tiny ones).
- In a small bowl stir until smooth the boiling hot water, cocoa powder, and coffee. Let cool to room temperature.
- In another bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt.
- Cream the butter, applesauce, yogurt, and sugar until light and fluffy. Add stevia
- Add the eggs, one at a time, beating until smooth. Beat in the vanilla extract.
- Add the flour mixture, followed by the cooled cocoa mixture and mix until smooth.

Fill each muffin cup two-thirds full with batter and bake for about 16-20 minutes or until risen, springy to the touch, and a toothpick inserted into a cupcake comes out clean. Remove from oven and place on a wire rack to cool.

Chocolate Frosting:
Melt the chocolate. Beat the butter until smooth and creamy (about 1 minute). Add the sugar and beat until it is light and fluffy (about 2 minutes). Beat in the vanilla extract. Add the chocolate and mix it all up till smooth and irresistible.

(These would also be yummy filled with vanilla cream! )

window.google_render_ad();
Recipe modified from original at:
Bell, Annie. 'Gorgeous Cakes'. Kyle Books. Distributed by National Book Network. Lanham, MD: 2005.
Lewis, Matt & Nelson, Alison. 'Chocolate Bar'. Stonesong Press. New York: 2004.

_____________________
It's been a gorgeous week out here in our lives and land. Beginning with chilly rain and sprinking into blue skies and sunshine, the past five days have been filled with hikes, picnics, art, and naps. Not the typical week hey? Almost holiday'ish! It's been good for us. We're regaining that lost and simple exercise of breathing, pausing, and listening. We're tasting and feeling again. We're finding unforced smiles on our faces; those funny little expressions that can so easily become a memory and a publicly enforced obligation.

Today I am going to make cupcakes. I'll call them 'Fresh Friday Cupcakes' :) I think they'll be chocolatey and perhaps even slathered in buttercream icing. I can't remember the last time I made cupcakes! Muffins yes, (flax and bran and...) but cupcakes? Hm, but I already know I'll be subbing in applesauce for the butter and a wee bit of stevia to cut back on the sugar and.... Maybe they'll be 'Flat Flax Cupcakes' instead ;)

My baby boy was up too early and is already cuddling in for a nap. His birthday is drawing near, as is his ability to run around on his own. His hair is shaggy and his steps more confident by the day. His legs are stretching out and his increased mobility is working away at the chubby rolls I love. He lays in bed at night singing songs and signing "Dad!" and playing with his lamby. He dances to any and every rhythm, has a taste for curried (anything!), and laughs hysterically at burps and sneezes. He's stubborn and independent and inquisitive. He's the most beautiful thing I know.

Anyways. Off to bake while the baby sleeps.

winter's not forever

2009-05-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

It's cold and rainy here tonight, but we're warm and cozy. Last night we went for a walk in the rain then cozied up with a gorgeous chocolate torte and strawberry wine from a local winery. We took time to talk and process some of what we have experienced in the past several months. In the midst of job loss, letting go of posessions, moving, fighting, laughing, learning, rejoicing, struggling, and days of too manys ups and downs, we've come to learn so much. While it's likely that most people can learn what they need to without dumping their lives out and about like this, the whole experience is showing beautiful points of change and understanding.

In the midst of our reflections we were reminded how the theme we choose for our marriage and life continues to show itself: "To everything there is a season..." Time and again we have walked through seasons of growth, harvest, and change, and for months we have felt caught in a long winter. The light and of spring is stretching upon our faces now and we are looking forward with hope. At the same time, we wait with friends who are yet frozen in winters of their own.

Some funny, tough, random moments from the last month:
- Our propane ran out on one of the coldest nights about 2 weeks ago. Jem awoke cold and cranky at about 4am and we all bundled into one bed. It was a cozy night as we snuggled under the rain and tin roof.
- This week our bed deflated in the middle of the night! Yet another one of the unique points of camper-living ;)
- My garden is huge! And I'm dealing with my first crop of HUGE slugs (that's sure different from prairie gardening)
- Jeremiah is showing a growing interest in the outdoors; dirt, worms, ducklings; they all bring light to his face :)

"Gone, going, gone everything, gone give a..."

2009-05-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

What is it that makes us ask the questions? What is this churning presence which has propelled J and I towards the actions and reactions of the past several months? Is it ourselves all riled up with discontent and lofty dreams? Is it culture and the urge to push against it? Is it God, drawing us into something beyong ourselves, less and more? Is it good? Bad? Grey?

[Too many of the past posts have exhuded an air of discouragement and confusion. For that, my dear few readers, I apologize. There are times when 'the blog' is such a fantastic impartial ear. Hands on keyboard become 'heart processing', or something like that. I have often (through my own sickening realization or the gentle urging of others) gone back and revised or deleted thoughts that would have been better processed on a quiet walk instead of a public intangible space. But anyways, rambling! All this to say, I'm not going to go and delete those past discouraging ones as they are this journey. They are a little too raw to be understood, even by myself, but they're the reality of the process. Ha, words and sentences and paragraphs become that book of life (a take on a personal reflection with a friend too far). ]

So then. Almost out of time! (Jem is rustling but at least supper is in the oven).

In all of this (this being the past 2 days or so) I have learned so much. I am beginning to recognize that it is not necessarily what you do, but what you do with what you do (make sense?). Some of the most beautiful people I have met are those who clock in each day, perform their tasks, care for their families, and do it all unto their God. Those people have a life worth living. Some of the most miserable people I have met are those in the same positions, forcing themselves through, getting it done so they can take home a cheque and make it to the weekend and not much more. I don't want that kind of life.
I have witnessed gorgeous lives rife with suffering, poverty, burdens, and broken dreams, but built on faith and purpose and a mysterious unseen focus that brings light to the eyes and joy to each day. And we have all witnessed the ones who 'have it all' and who will never have enough; using, abusing, not even seeing the wealth within their grasp, and dying wanting more. I have seen evil people praised for their success and good people scorned. I have questioned why God can champion the villain while being blind to the child. I've come to realize the most of what is valued in the living of life is the unseen; breathe in, breathe out.

I am not yet who I will be, but I am responsible for who I am. I may not be doing what I will do, but I can grow joy in each action I take. With wealth or poverty, I can life richly. With suffering or ease, I can express joy.
Who I am today may have been influenced by certain people or experiences, but they are not the deciding voices. The can not be, as then I would lose any voice of my own. Life is. And life will be. I am responsible for the living.

2009-05-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

Cuz you can't eat a good idea

2009-05-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

Has it been this long already? Wow.

We are in pursuit of a life less-loaded. What does that even mean? One year ago it was a niggling thought in the back of my mind, shoved away by the impending arrival of my son, the lure of my huge prairie garden, the rest of maternity leave, and the joy of my friends. In December it became a thought, January and February incubated it into a spoken idea and plan. In March, it shifted into an action and April began with growth and optimism. By May it had shifted into grey questions and today it feels as though the whole idea is a burden and a joke.

Is there a less loaded life out there? Is there a possibility of simple joy and happiness without being trapped in the 9-5, the race, the concrete and exhaust(ion)? The rich become richer, the poor become more poor. The corporations inhale the shops who will feed them and step upon the rest. The father dreams of a better life for his son, but is torn between 'better' and 'life' as he picks up a time card and boxes up his dreams. The mother leaves the home to make a home and the children wonder.And they all smile and trod along and say it's worth it cuz they're making a better life. A better life a better life a better life....

______________

The paper cancelled on us last week. They're supposed to show up this afternoon but...? Chamber of Commerce cancelled on me yesterday. What? Our coffee bags are caught up in a bizarre 20 post email thread. We just want the bags without the extended commentary please. The labels are in a similar pit. Our contact for a location is in San Diego (indefinitly) and not returning our calls. An amazing opportunity for a business start-up program (a year of EI funding while we begin) appears out of our reach since we can not show a record of all the employers who have rejected us,. (yes, apparently self-emplyment is only for the truly desperate).
This is the tough stuff. This adds to 'the loaded'.
_______________

Can you tell my thoughts are scattered? Ha!

I'm sick as a wet cat today; some ridiculous cold. I eating Halls and trying to drink enough to make food for my baby. I'm not sure what I'm going to work on today. Perhaps I will take a minute to look at my garden, talk to my God, call up my friends. I can feel the next stage coming. This is the part where I shiver on the dock all pimply and mottled before taking a breath and jumping in, again.

2009-05-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

Since becoming a mama, and even moreso, since embarking upon the adventure of the last several months, I have found that I my mind resembles a large and kitten-tossed ball of yarn. Ideas, frustrations, questions, artistic notions, theological reflections, sleep deprivation, hormones, emotions, images, etc., are all tangled about without apparent order or end.

I'm not much a fan of this yarn-balled-life.

The past few days have been especially tangled. In business we have experienced some very prounounced 'ups' (an exciting 'official' account with a shop purchasing 20 lbs of beans, an offer from a group with a potential for significant return), as well as some very difficult 'downs' (pre-inspection rejection of our site, financial realities, delayed products and orders). In the day-to-day it is much the same; inspiring conversation and connection partnered with broken sleep paired with non-stop days mingling with sunshine and garden moments leading to walks and talks connecting to intense arguements coupled with distance from friends and family members leading to.... Yeah.
Ha, and even now, I can feel it. I have thoughts, even some good ones(!), and I can't even begin to articulate them. I'm tired, inspired, drained, and hopeful. So...what's the main thing? What do I want to actually communicate? Hm.

Anyways. I made a gorgeous sweet potatoe pie/souffle thing tonight. It was simply delicious. For now, that's that. Tomorrow: package coffee, love my baby, choose life.

After a broken night's sleep

2009-04-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

Update:

Only minutes after my last post, the area health inspector called to inform us that we are required to undergo an inspection of our operation since we are working with food. Food? Hm. From the information we have so far, it sounds like we are required to have a seperate commercial level kitchen. We also need to prepare a sanitation plan, food safety plan, and full floor layout of our facility. Hm.
This was a fairly significant piece of informtion. Especially since we do not currently have a separate kitchen area. Hm.

You know, there's a lot going on in my heart and head these days. There was a mass of conflicting emotions and responses throughout the afternoon and evening as I tried to evaluate and make sense of where we are and where we have come from. We've come a long way. There are many new and blessed points of growth and change in our lives, but at the same time there is so little to really 'show' for what we've done and what we've accomplished. We've invested a significant amount of time, money, energy, and overall life into the past several months. I believe we have gained more than we have spent, but there has been a definite cost to it all.

We're not sure what's going to happen with the business part of this whole life venture. Something we are learning to embrace is that we can still make choices and steps to cultivate a simple life of that is truly good. We can raise our son together and teach him an appreciation of the earth and moral values and simple happiness. We can take time with our marriage and continue to grow towards each other. We can continue educating ourselves about Fair Trade practices and the ethical treatment of our global community. And, of course, we can keep roasting and drinking and trading really good coffee ;)

We're not sure what our next step is, but it's likely going to lean more towards 'slow and simple' instead of 'rash and risky'. I was about ready to plunge in, sign everything onto someone's dotted line, and put it all into lease and equipment and the whole deal. In response, J reminded me that he isn't willing to bring our family into danger. It's one thing to take a crazy risk but another to burn all the bridges and act without wisdom.
So, we're going to keep roasting and selling, at least privately (through our site, farmers markets, etc). Bit by bit, through drawing people into the conversation and educating ourselves and sharing our story and beans, we hope to get to a point where we can confidently open our own shop and share this good thing. J will likely begin some work to keep our cupboards healthy and such, and I might take a day or two with that other creative woman inside myself who has been silenced of late.

Hm. Nothing in the past year or 4 months or week or day has been what we expected or planned. I guess that's part of the beauty of the journey. Here's hoping to a sunny open road...around the bend.

Plan B and other sickening thoughts

2009-04-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

The sky is clear, the sun is warm, the mountains are in view, and I'm caught in the space between thick-throated tears and a thousand questions.

May 1st marks our last month of open possibilities.

J and I spent the past hour with Jem in the garden, facing the fact that one month from now we'll need to start considering some other venues for income. Maternity and EI both end at that point and we'll be in a rather interesting position.
I'm struggling with frustration and exhaustion while still believing in what we're doing. It's a really wierd feeling.... I believe this can work, I believe we can actually make it. But how? How does a family get from here to there? I know the obvious answers of loans and investors and that jazz, but that seems to fly in the face of some of the main ideas and factors which have led us to where we are.
J stated that we need to start looking for work for him, that maybe if we get stuff set up enough we can get there on the side. But how? If we're going to do this then we have to just do this, right?

A significant part of me just wants our own location. That's crazy. And selfish? I mean, why should we get a shop for our sweet business when so many families (wait, including us!) don't even have a home. I just keep feeling that if we had a main location, a place to roast and brew and sell, then people would see us and enter into the whole conversation as well.
Yesterday we met with a great little market wanting to run our beans. They also want 40% of the profit. So...? If we had our own place then it's on our terms, right? Then again, that's a HUGE comittment.

Five minutes ago I wasn't discouraged. Now I'm feeling the weight of it again. It would be so helpful if we had sleep in our bodies as well.

Anyways. Too much time here and not enough 'working'.
I will not be discouraged.
I will not give up hope.
We have something good to offer our world.
Time...work...belief...time....

2009-04-28T14:12:00.001-07:00

I'm considering wearing a placard that states,
"I am not trying to rip you off. I am not a franchise or corporation. My intentions are not as evil as you believe them to be."

It's a tough world out there for teeny family-based businesses. Wow.
I just completed another call to another church. (Note: Churches brew a ton of coffee, it's apparently a great way to keep people alert during the service and coming back for more. Ergo, sell coffee to churches and let them support something good with what they brew) Unfortunately, all the groups we have contacted seem either offended or terrified once they realize we're not looking for salvation or membership. (sigh). There are currently some fairly large groups paying Starbucks some fairly large coin, so why is it so crazy to think that they could purchase their beans from a local company instead? We're even offering the same services for a lesser price, just for these groups.
It just leaves a funny taste in my mouth when their tone changes and they shut us out as fast as they can. Should I change my placard to, "Your pew, my brew?" Hm.

We've been up since 5:00am today with Jem being one busy busy boy. We're getting some good work done though, and even had some nice family time in the garden. Jem appears to love the outdoors and her creatures, which is such a delight to me :) I'm hoping to host his first birthday in the yard so we can enjoy the air and sun and his first (homemade organic) cake.

The apple, pear, and cherry trees are in full bloom. I love it! We visited each tree this morning and enjoyed their silky petals. Jemah gave the sweetest little laughs when his cheeks were touched by them. How I love my son! It's hard to believe that this time last year he was still nestled deep in my body and I had not yet met him face to face. Hm, who would have thought that we'd be where we're at a year later?

Well, happy Tuesday friends. The next hours hold more phone calls and lots of searching for packaging options online. We want to find (affordable!) little boxes for the chocolate covered beans, as well as boxes for our May addition; GreenValley giftboxes.

Oh the coffee I would trade to sleep as long as I wanted in a huge soft bed!

2009-04-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today was exhausting, encouraging, and challenging. I spent most of the day in the next city selling GreenValley and GreenHomes products at a little tradeshow thing. I didn't move a lot of beans, but I sold half of the GreenHomes things I brought! People were so incredibly receptive to affordable, quality, natural home products! They love my little body balm bars and bought all the peppermint sani-mists-- yay! But, I think I need to review my prices. One woman thought they were listed at 3x the price and was about to buy a bottle-- wow!
I've decided what the GreenHomes story is going to be (for now):
I'm going to approach 3 retails venues (a local natural baby store, a greenhouse, and an eco womens store) with the products. I'm also going to have them available for our farmers market runs and whoever calls/emails in the our city. I'll create the 4 cleaners as well as the 'balms', and that's that for this year. I could do more and go crazy with it, but this is manageable and allows it to be something that could grow someday but still maintains my focus within my family and with the coffee. So...yay?

Did I mention I make fantastic body bars? Yummers!

Wow....I am tired! I need to sleep but I'm dreading the air mattress; it just doesn't do a body good. But, Jem will be up before 6:00am so I need to get some crash time in. Man I love my son. He is the most beautiful gift God ever created for me.

2009-04-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

Today was productive and challenging. We worked hard; roasting, packaging, labeling, and preparing for Saturday's little tradeshow. The coffee is prepped, the little GreenHomes products are decent, and now there's just the paperwork and decor left to put together. Phew! I'm anxious to get this one out of the way so I can return to working on the official business plan.

I found the day more challenging than some have been of late. One factor in moving west instead of elsewhere was the effect the milder climate would have on my health. I have a condition (fibromyalgia) which often causes incredible pain, exhaustion, and anxiety. I'm socially awkward as it is, but when the FM is in motion I'm a blubbering clutz. With Jem nearing 30 pounds and the our days fairly filled with action, pressure, and thought, I'm not quite sure how to incorporate the total rest and stillness (and drugs please!) that alleviates the pain. So. Yeah. This is me on my public blog say, "Ouch!" Sometimes it's comforting to just share that the pain is real and present, even if it's just to the silent blank-faced screen.
We have things that have to be done and I have to pick up Jem when he's in need. The pain will lift with the sun and warmth. For now I'll get the kiddo ready for the evening then find a cozy drink and a blanket with my man. In the midst of everything we've done well today. Our God will be our strength. How thankful I am that He uses the foolish and ignoble things of this world....

Anyways.
Other thoughts from today:
- Had a roasting fire a few days ago. Pretty scary but our roaster was saved!
- I was just invited to a 'women and business' evening. More awkward small talk but who knows, maybe we'll meet our big buyer
- Sounds like the Chamber of Commerce wants to brew our beans for all of their functions. Cool :)
- Tomorrow we might check into the market that has been selling our beans. We'll see if any sold... Kinda nervous....

And some pictures :) (GreenHomes products, exploring the river, baby feet)

And it's only Tuesday

2009-04-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

Hello Monday!
Um, scratch that, ha, Hello TUESDAY! Wow, time is flying! The past few days have been filled with all kinds of experiences and conversations. As a family, we're finding a rhythm and contentment that is comforting and maintainable. As a business team, we're gaining momentum and wonder. As a mama, I'm lacking in sleep but remembering to take pause and celebrate this beautiful life I nurse and hold. As a woman, ha, I need a haircut!

GreenValley Update:
Two very significant things have taken place.
1. As of yesterday we officially 'exist'. Yup, the city approved our appeal and granted our license (with limits). So we can really move ahead!!! Hurray!!!
2. I just came home from a significant meeting with the city's economic planning committee.
In the course of the meeting I:
- Realized just what a country bumpkin I am.
- Thanked the Lord for the one sharp business-like dress he provided.
- Decided I need to deal with the hair on my head if I'm to interact professionally.
- Performed quite well given my entire lack of experience in actual 'business' relations.
- Was given an offer for a few months FREE LEASE on a building for our shop, once we're prepared to take that step.
(did you catch that one??? WOW)

In response I:
- Shoke hands, nodded my head, exchanged business cards.
- Pretended I wasn't wearing 10 year old pants under my adorable dress.
- Walked out nonchalantly.
- Sat outside the building in the sun and let it all just swirl and move around me for about 20 minutes.

So now I'm home, sitting in my dress and decade-pants, looking at cherry blossoms and wanting to brew some beans. This evening I'm stepping out to mingle with the Chamber of Commerce; network, connect, etc. (Like I know what that means). Maybe I'll wash my hair. Hm.

And the winner is....

2009-04-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

The blogger-mama from My Little Warriors!!! :)
(Please send your mailing address to greenvalleyroaster@gmail.com and we'll get those beans to you right away! Enjoy your fresh cup of GreenValley Ethiopian :) )

Thanks for interacting with this; how fun :) Watch for more bean draws in the future!
As mentioned previously, credit for the whole 'blog draw' type of thing goes to the incredible SouleMama @ http://soulemama.typepad.com/

Ethiopian bean draw!

2009-04-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

EDIT:
Yikes, sorry, I meant to say MONDAY (today) by midnight (and I'll post the winner on Tuesday),-- sorry!!! We just roasted the beans so we want to send them to whoever right away. Sorry! But yay beans!

Several online friends have expressed interest in purchasing GreenValley coffee-- YAY!!! We're working on finsihing up our website as well as finalizing a solid method for online orders and shipping. Currently, having PayPal or Visa right on our site is crazy pricey so we're looking at sending out invoices with customers paying into our account, or cash and cheques, or...? Hm, lots to think about. Thoughts?

But in the midst of that we want to get some more beans out there! Our crazy Ethiopian beans arrived last week and are great fun! They're a wonky bunch of beans; a mix of shapes and sizes with a unique roasting tempermant but really neat taste. Some people describe the taste as wild or gamey, I just call it good ;) It's my new second-favorite (second to our Guatemalans).

Sooo....
Leave a comment (on this post or the one earlier today) by Tuesday at midnight and we'll do a random draw for 1/2 pound of these beans. I'll announce Wednesday by noon :)

2009-04-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

Hm, a life less loaded. Ha, now there's a loaded statement! ;)

Here we are, month 4 of the whole 'post layoff thinking about a new life' and week 5 of actually walking it out. This weekend I was realizing again how crazy it is that we're actually doing this thing, we're really 'here'. Jack Johnson (great soundtrack for life these days) has this one line where he states, "Don't let your dreams be dreams...". That really hit me yesterday. it seems that so many things in my life are just dreams and ideals and words. I long to write (and be published!), I hope to create a home, I want to regain health and fitness, etc. Too often I chatter away about things without following those sounds with action.

Jeremy and I have 'talked coffee' since we began dating. Over the years we have drawn up blueprints for our shop, compared recipes for baking, soups, and sandiwiches, discussed leadership styles and organization, and wrestled with foundational points of purpose and presentation. We've dreamed, talked, and hoped. In the midst of that, we've pursued education, family, and an increasingly eclectic mix of experiences.

Making a life through coffee has always been one of those 'somedays', "maybe when we're 60...". The tough reality is that any food service endeavor seems to need a lot of capital, which we have never held, and the whole deal has seemed out of reach. Yet somehow, in this bizarre move and year, we find ourselves working with coffee and looking towards a shop. To be honest, I'm not really sure how this all came to be. I mean, one month I'm teaching, he's apprenticing, and we're longterm Albertans, the next we're floating and planning out house cleaning, then a day later we awake to find ourselves knee deep in coffee beans with a valley of new folks welcoming us into a life of small green business connections.

Somehow, some of the most difficult months we have ever faced in our lives are growing into a life dream we thought was out of reach for decades to come. Granted, we still don't have the capital needed to take the next step and we've only really sold a few pounds of beans, but there is something very very good brewing (ha, brewing!) . There's something about our story or approach or something that is connecting with people out here. We're not out to become 'big time', we want to contribute something good to our world, and we're giving it everything we've got.

Within it all there is a growing sense of satisfaction and 'fit'. Our days are packed with hard work, but we believe in what we're doing and we think we just might make it. And on those days when it's a bit bleak, well, at least we have a good cup of coffee on hand.

(The pics are us enjoying spring on Easter weekend, and our first trade show)

All in a day's work

2009-04-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Another intense day of ups and downs and in-betweens. We are learning so much! This whole experience is simply overflowing with points of challenge and growth and praise and frustration. It's good.

SO.
- The inspector came and went and seemed surprised at just how small we were. Ha! He'll be reporting back to his council and then emailing us in the next day or so, but it sounds as though we should be 'in' (with limits). That's awesome! We made him some coffee and were all ready for a nice little chat time with Mr. City but he seemed quite anxous and was in and out as fast as could be. We were pleased, and now we wait.
- Minutes after he left, the roaster broke!
- J fixed it on his own! WOW!
- Our meeting with our favorite 'target' coffee shop was entirely anti-climatic. And no, they won't be running our beans but the owner was a really nice guy and honestly would love to partner with us in some way. We're considering a 'short run' for Fair Trade Week. We'll see.
(note: we were so dorky going in there; all three of us went! Met the mayor walking in, exchanged hugs, that was cool)
- Incredible conversation and connection with a local shop owner, with a confirmed invite into a city council social-- yay! Tuesday night, out on the town with the Business of the city.
- Had a fight with J about one of our roasts. (sigh) Worked it out and made red curry.
- Showed Jem the garden. Jem ate the garden. Well, the dirt part of it. Hm.
- Tired!
- The GreenHomes bottles arrived. They're awesome!
- Tomorrow is my first night out showcasing GreenValley. Eeks!
- Exchanged a dress. Made a friend. Friend knocked a ridiculous amount of $$$ of the dress.
- Ate wasabi peas.

Full day huh?

Spring Column!

2009-04-14T11:00:00.001-07:00

This just in:
The paper just called and they really ARE going to do a story on us! How fun is that?! May5th is the date, at 3:00pm. The only crazy thing is that they want to get a picture of us next to our 'roasting operation'. Umm...anyone else know how awkward it is to say, "Here's the camper we live in and the patio we roast on?" Oh boy.....

What a week!

2009-04-13T19:08:00.001-07:00

"And it goes on and on..."

Life is good.
This evening I was making hot chocolate for the boys. We were out in the trailer, Jack Johnson in the air (as usual), Jem dancing, J' reviewing baseball, milk about to boil over. Standing there, looking at my little family in our tiny house I found myself smiling. I thought, "This is one of those moments will look back on. Ten years from now we'll smile and say, 'Remember those evenings in that stinky old trailer? Remember how small Jem was and how crazy everything seemed? Remember when...?" And then it'll keep rolling on.

To be honest, I wasn't feeling quite so fond of our home this morning. We had a beautiful long weekend and spent a lot of time in the house as well as out with a dear visiting friend. It was SO refreshing to spend time with valued people, to sprawl out, to see new places, to eat unlimited good food. However, it did serve to remind me as to how deeply I still hope for a bit more of a house someday. I'm a kitchen kind of person. I'm a pictures-on-the-wall kind of gal. I am blessed with what we have and recognize that I have more than I need, but I still do look towards a home that doesn't shake in the wind quite so easily.

Anyways.

Today was good and is good. Update!
- GreenValley beans have hit the public market!!! Our first try at selling in a local market began today. I'm not sure if the owner is a huge fan of us, and we're not sure if we're getting a decent price (kinda oblivious as to percentages of mark-up and such) but they're in the store and that's cool. Massive step #52: You can now purchase our beans at SKT Market at Airport/Yale Rd. Um...please do!
- Contacted Chamber of Commerce.
- Contacted a great Council connection through the Mayor
- On the brink of a really really cool church connection...maybe. I won't go into it until we see where it goes.
- The contact at the paper might be leading to a sweet late entry to a 'ladies night' tradeshow on Friday. Eeeks! It'd be me and the coffee with a bunch of local gals ready to shop all night. COuld be awesome! (Especially if the GreenHomes bottles arrive so I can sell some product as well!)
- A local cafe (that random cult-like connection I mentioned awhile back?) might run our beans! I think they see it as a means to evangelism.... I've remained honest with my beliefs and intentions ("I want you to buy my coffee") so we'll see. they gave me a free Yerba Mate Latte and cinnamon bun, then bought a pound of Domincan. Hm.

And general life...
- My garden sprouted today! Ha! Yay!
- Tomorrow is my last afternoon with my Albertan friend. Then it's back to aloneness.
- I drink a lot of coffee. It's good.

Refocusing. Reminding.

2009-04-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

Our furnace ran out of propane last night."
Jem confirmed that he was as cold as me when he started bellowing before 6:00am.

Up. Shivering. Pull kiddo out of the tub. Stumble into the 'kitchen' to hear the furnace running hard...blowing cold air! Hahaha...hello monday morning! :)
And life rolls on....

Months ago we decided to act on some of our convictions and reflections regarding 'a simpler life'. Hm. Months ago already. Wow. Within these months we have sold our possessions, created a company (kinda/almost...well, all the logistics of a company), left the only home we've known as a family, moved into a new home and area, become people we hardly recognize.

Somewhere along the way, our one path became two, than more, than too many. Our whole goal in this challenging journey is to embrace "a life less loaded". As a family, we desire days of purpose, materials of true value, clear minds, right hearts, working hands, happy children, healthy bodies, peace.
Unfortunately, I have found the past several weeks to be leaning more towards the "loaded" and not so much the "less". I am so tired. My mind is divided. My ideals and optimism are perilously close to falling into a cynical sneer. Somewhere, somehow, we have veered from the joy of a simple life and freedom into a pursuit of 'bigger' ideas, more accomplishments, and 'greater' goals.
I am daily impatient with my husband. My appearance is unkept at best (and sometimes bordering on slovenly!). I have ceased to write, exercise, meditate, or rest. I am consumed, even in my sleeping hours, with business products, marketing slogans, interactions, and plans. I have lost touch with valued friends.
From month one to month three, much has happened.

And so....
(insert total shift in attitude and tone! ;) )
This is where we take stock, cut our losses (well, some of 'em), take a breath and a prayer, and move on. I think. We're doing all of this stuff for a reason. We didn't give away our old life so that we could be exhausted and cranky and dirty. We stepped away from something that did not hold true value so that we could embrace a richer and deeper life. If we are to remain true to our goal then we (or better stated, 'I') need to be willing to get over the humiliation of a step (or 10) back and say that we're shifting our focus.
What does this all mean? It means we need to relax. It means we're reminding ourselves that it's better to stay small but happy instead of striving for 'big=successful' and losing family and peace in the midst of it. And, it likely means we're stepping more into GreenValley (the coffee roasting) and stepping away from the services of GreenHomes (eco-cleaning houses). Practically speaking, it may mean a longer stint in the RV, more waiting until we receive a true income, and more of less for a longer period (if that makes sense...).
On the flip side though, actually moving to this decision and deciding to make a go of something we actually enjoy stirs some serious excitement. I'll be honest with you; I'm no house cleaner! I still love my products and I'll still be pitching them at farmers markets and such and see where that goes, but the the thought of spending my days scrubbing other houses has been draining me. Coffee on the other hand, well, that's kind of who we are. We KNOW coffee. We can do good coffee. For us, roasting has become part of life. For those who have seen my home, well, cleaning hasn't really been a part of life, I'm no natural there ;) To survive as entrepreneurs you need to work to your strengths, right? I guess I'm learning this the hard way.
The funny thing is that I think it would actually be a successful company. I mean, we've got everything; the webdomain, materials, marketing, etc. All we need are employees and clients and away you go. Hm, anyone wanna buy a great cleaning company? ;)

Oh man, Jem is flipping out. Good bye. and good luck to me!

2009-04-03T12:31:00.001-07:00

What is new in this life?
1. Waiting to hear about the GreenHomes business license (just need to finalize 2 things)
2. Ordered GreenHomes product bottles.
3. Meeting with the Mayor of this city on Tuesday morning (um...yikes?!)
4. Have a sweet local coffee shop interested in running our beans. Meeting next week.
5. Have a fun local produce market wanting to run our beans. Working out the details next week.

Hmm...what else?

- Jem fell off the couch onto the hard floor in the trailer, again. Poor kid. He's tough though. His new favorite thing? Apples! Loves 'em.
- Starting to go for walks in the morning to a local park/pong (I am seriously underexercised!). Cana (dog) goes swimming, I get a minute to myself, the mountains get to enter my mind.
- Going for a date without the kiddo tonight. Have a sushie gift cert. Might brush my hair and put on clothes. This is a big deal ;)

Before there were tractors

2009-04-01T17:06:00.001-07:00

Want to know what it's like to start over?
1. Really tough.
2. Tougher than that.
3. Difficult to explain.
4. Confusing to defend.
5. Still worth it.

I read a quote the other day (and I'm sorry, the source eludes me now) but it stated (pretty much), "Is it hard? Of course it's hard! If it wasn't really tough than anyone could do it and it wouldn't be special!" I've reminded myself of these words time and again this week because yes, it's hard. Need I remind you of what we're attempting? We're a young family. J' was laid off, we have a 9 month old son, we packed up and moved west, we're camping in my in-laws driveway, we're attempting to start our own home-based business. No one made us do this, no one is keeping us here, few really understand why we would try something so...foolish.
Last night, while cozied up in the trailer and munching on toast while sipping home-vinted wine, we really questioned ourselves. We really let it enter our heads that this might not work. We considered some options. But, toast eaten and wine mug emptied we embraced, refocused, and moved ahead with the belief that we had better see this thing through before we seriously consider packing it in. Neither one of us wants to look back one yaer, one decade, one life from now and think, "If only we had pushed a little bit harder, if only we had tried a little bit more."

So we're working and living and plowing. Ha, you've gotta plow before you plant right? It's funny, religious reflections often focus on planting as the first step, but if you're going to get the greatest harvest you need to prep' the soil, right? Our plowing these days entails creating brochures, making phone calls, creating business cards, researching, having awkward converations with strangers, having exciting conversations with new friends, walking in the rain, getting lost on the freeway, crying, laughing, fighting it out, sleeping one tin sheet from the rain, reminding ourselves that it's worth it.
We're plowing and it's slow going, but we keep looking to the harvest horizon, a time of plenty, a season of thanksgiving, a life of truth, simplicity, safety, and joy.

2009-03-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday!

Yesterday was a good day. An honestly good day.

I began with a decent amount of sleep. J took Jem for the night and I enjoyed 8 solid hours of sleep. It is incredible what sleep can do for a person!
We decided that Friday was a "present GreenValley to the world!!!" day (hahaha) so I put on my 'professional' clothes (took awhile to dig those out!) then took off with newly printed brochures and fresh samples of beans. I was lost within 8 minutes.
Driving around Downtown, I eventually pulled into a parking lot. The parking lot turned out to be that of the local newspaper. Long story short, I went in, chatted, they smelled the beans, loved the brochure, connected with me, grabbed a reporter, chatted, and declared that we were going to be the spring 'Green Living' column!!! Um...wow.

Continued out and about, from one contact to another. Basically, I would walk in, introduce myself, share our stuff, and people would either:
a) Get excited and say they'd likely run our beans
b) Get excited and refer me to a friend/business/event

All in all, I dropped 7 samples and am waiting on responses from our favorite coffee shop, a bookstore, an ecoclothing store, the paper, a sketchy religous/cult group, and some random local folks. I came home energized and SO excited. Jem was happy, J and I were in a good place, the folks shared our happiness, and the weekend was on the way. An honestly good day!

In other news....
- I'm not sure how we became two businesses and no, we're not sure how it's going to pan out. Do we keep moving ahead with GreenHomes? (it's the 'official' one!) Or do we go nuts with GreenVally? I didn't really see this coming.... Then again, we still haven't actually sold anything so?
- The trailer is cozy and we just had sweet potatoe pancakes and coffee --yum!
- We're finding a sense of flow with the rest of life here; J's folks, the house, etc. It's good.
- there are mountains in my back yard. That is very cool!

There is much more to write, but lately I'm finding myself totally overwhelmed with keeping up online. Blogs, emails, education, contacts-- yikes! It's a little crazy.....

What day is it???

2009-03-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

Wow. We're really here and we're really doing this thing! Holy cow. And yikes!
Funny story: Last night I spent 10 minutes scraping a gorgeous mediteranean pizza off a pan and onto some foil. Apparently our teeny camper oven doesn't fit a full sized pan, so I had to try to slop it off onto something that would fit. Nice. But, it turned out tasty anyways!

So things are moving ahead. Somedays it feels like everything's flying and we can barely keep up, other days we feel like we're the ones flying...straight off a cliff!! To be entirely honest, we've had some fairly challenging moments. J has been especially discouraged, trying to figure out how to 'break through' and how to get from idea to reality. I've been exhausted as Jem continues to fight sleep. In the midst of all that, here are some of the tough things we have learned:
- Starting a home-based business is tough. It requires a ton of energy, continual optimism, extreme organization, and strong connections.
- Starting a home-based business without an income while setting up house in a camper and working around a 9 month old, well, that's a whole another story! Hahahaha....
- This kind of step demands a whole new approach to marriage and communication. We're life-partners, but we're also business partners. If one of those partnerships is in conflict we have to deal with the crap before it merges into the other one.
-
And some of the not-so-tough things we're learning:
- Creating a home in the camper, while somewhat ridiculous, isn't cute so awful as it may sound. Actually, there are some pretty neat things involved. We're cozy, what we see is what we've got, and you can clean the whole thing in under 15 minutes! (granted, it's next to impossible to keep clean or tidy, and the baby does look a little wierd sleeping in the bathtub...)
- We're discovering some of our stregths and gifts. It turns out I'm kind of awasome when it comes to marketing ideas! Ha, I must admit toying with the idea of going into advertising (that lasted about 7 seconds but hey?). Honestly though, J is so organized, focused, and able to follow things through to thefinish. Me on the other hand, I can get things rolling and go nuts with the front-line ideas, then die at the end. So yeah, we're working to our strengths and getting to know each other in a new way.
- Watching J's folks interact with Jem is AWESOME. He's getting to know them and they obviously love him. That whole deal just makes me happy.

Well, time to move on into the day and shower the trailer off for awhile. One last thought....
While these days have been intense, we've embraced one special thing in this beautiful land: The view is free! The wealthy folks up on the hill and the little family in the camper, they all get to gaze at the same mountains cuz creation was painted for us all, and that's part of the beauty of God.

Spring!

2009-03-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

Good morning.
It's dark and rainy on this first day of Spring. The flowers are blooming though, and we look forward to warmth and growth and sunshine in the weeks ahead. Actually, it's impressive to consider just how much has progressed and being accomplished in this first week, despite the cold and wet. We've moved our life (and family and belongings and...), we've begun setting up house in a new home, we've created and brainstormed and processed all kinds of ideas and issues, and we've done all this with very little sleep in a fairly new territory (for me at least) with incredibly limited resources. So, yay to us on almost surviving week one!

As for the details....
While we thought the first week or two would be quite laid back and spent catching up with family and then moving onto GreenHomes work, we've plunged right into stuff and are actually focusing more on the GreenValley aspect of the business plan. (Note: GreenValley is the coffee roasting/sales. Originally just an addon to the online store, but now [potentially] a whole thing in itself). Jeremy is working hard, roasting a great product, and setting up a good foundation. It looks like we're going to push to get this part fully set up and functioning before going nuts with GreenHomes. This (hopefully) will allow him to be working at hom and caring for Jem while I take time to set things up with GreenHomes details and market some stuff outside of the house.

To be honest though, following some honest conversations this week and some reflection and introspection, I'm alright with GreenHomes taking an extra month or two before launching. If I'm entirely honest, I just want to be home with my baby, write books, create healthy products, cook solid meals, and enable my home to be a home. That isn't likely going to be our reality this year, but it is what I'm looking to in the future. So, if GreenHomes can fly and set us up for a greater future-- yay! But more than that, if GreenValley can do well and grow and be the longer termed plan, that's cool too. Really, who knows how this is all going to pan out or what we'll actually end up doing with it all. I just keep looking towards a year from now.....

Within all the above is the difficulty of starting a business and a whole new life with an 8 month old. Honestly, if it were just the two of us, things would be a whole lot easier. There'd be more sleep, less crying ;) , and two full-time people available. When you add a baby into it, everything becomes much more complicated. Having a home business is not simply putting the kiddo down with some toys and getting all kinds of things accomplished. Instead, it involves a fine balancing act between work, family, rest, fun, expenses, chores, and those once-in-awhile things like a shower or sleep. It's tough. No, it's more than tough. It's really really tough. We're living in a vertical learning curve and walking a fine line. But...we're still alright, so yay on that.

Well, time to go. J just called and it turns out the brakes and shocks are shot on the Aztec. Ha! Ah well, that makes sense given the trip we put that sweet machine through. Today will involve considering car stuff, figuring out water for the trailer, working on coffee, and perhaps planning the garden.
Until next time.....

Teeter-Tootering....

2009-03-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

Hmm....

Hello friends. Today has been incredibly tipsy-turvey; an eclectic mix akin to the bizarre weather through the window. We awoke early (the new norm as Jem has taken to ridiculously early starts), and were about the day's tasks before 8:00am. The focus of the day? Get settled!

It turns out that setting up house in a camper is somewhat tricky. This endeavor is made all the more difficult when the weather flucuates between pouring rain, heavy snow, wind, and abnormally cold temperatures. My balmy visions of a west coast Eden are being revised!
While J roasted coffee, dug out a small storage corner in the yard shed, and worked on electical components, I bundled up Jem in the carrier and set about creating a home of sorts in the camper. By 11:00am we were all chilled, wet, hungry, and cranky :(
Some issues have been presented: 1) The camper overloads the electrical circuits in the house. So, J is out purchasing an overpriced exterior cord so we can connect to another circuit. 2) We've never worked with, let alone lived in, an RV. There are several things to learn, like how to turn on the furnace and where to put (and how to take away) the water and other liquidy things. 3) Jem is learning to flow with it; strapped on a back or a chest, chewing on flax bread, skeptical at best. And we're trying to learn to flow with him as well, in the midst of very little sleep.

So, in the midst of these things I went from:
"WOW! We're doing it! Aww...look at me setting up our little home :) Aww...this is so neat! What's ahead? Hm, as if we actually took this step. How cool!"
To...
"WOW. We're actually doing this thing...umm...God? Umm...we really are below the poverty line. Um...we seriously are about to move into a camper and call it home :( Does anyone believe in us out here? How terrifying!"
To sum it up: I am so incredibly excited and SO ridiculously hopeful. But my hope of a beautiful future may not playout in day-to-day reality, and it's in that space where I feel my throat tighten and my heart clench. I'm happy. I'm hopeful. I'm learning. And I'm so deeply hoping that a year from now we'll look back and see how utterly wonderful it was, and is.

A peek into our new place

2009-03-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a little tour of our new place. We haven't officially moved in yet as we need to stabilise/balance it, clean the whole thing, and get our stuff here first. We'll likely be settled in there within the next two weeks. It's a dorky video, but it gives a basic idea of what we're workin' with :)

EDIT
Umm...I have tried FIVE times and this video won't load... Tips? :(

The Promised West

2009-03-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

We made it! Well, almost. Jem and I made it and are awaiting news on J', still trekking across the mountains. Our flight was great and Jem was hilarious. We landed upon a wet, chilly, and spring-like land, and I am now cozies up in my on my in-laws couch while Jem naps.
I continue to fluctuate between incredible excitement and breathless anxiety. It would help if I could achieve a sense of reality in the midst of all this; I am so detached! In my head, I know it's real; we've left, we've officially moved, our home does not await us but in the Hills. But it's difficult for this not to feel like a unique vacation. It's tricky to grasp that most of what we own really is in that tiny trailer and we really are moving into that tiny-house on the driveway. Hmm.... I'm sure it'll all come rushing in soon enough.

I'm looking forward to this week. I think I'm seeing these initial days as more of a 'visit' (and not just because of being detached!). It's going to be good to catch-up with J's folks, unpack, find our bearings. unfortunately, the forecast says rain, rain, snow, rain, for the next two weeks :( I'm unsure how this sunny prairie gal is going to take that...! But, I guess it'll keep us in to work on more paperwork and research.

Hm. We're really here. It's ending and beginning; the circle of another season, the changing of another tide. To everything....

Stepping out, diving in

2009-03-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

Twenty hours are ticking away between me and my new life. Twenty hours from this moment I will be sitting in a plane, baby on my lap, husband on the highway, dreams packed tight. Twenty one hours from now I will land on new soil and begin planting a brand new life. Spring has arrived for my family. For us, this winter of darkness and overturned plans, broken expectations, wonderings and wanderings, is finally giving way to a season of light and hope. For my little family, twenty hours from now marks a new beginning, the tangible leap into a life less loaded.

I am leaving behind some boxes in storage and some friends beyond measure. If I could choose, I would pack the friends and leave the boxes behind. I wait for their coming spring; their own time of light and life and hope. They have been my roots in this place.

This morning we loaded the truck and teeny utility trailer. Unfortunately, I peeked under the trailer and realized that the entire load is being carried by one tiny rusted axle and two tiny tiny tires. J will be hauling this through the mountains for 12+ hours. Frankly, I am quite anxious for the safety of my husband. If you happen to think of him in the next day and a bit.....

Here are some pictures from our last moments.

balancing profits, service, value, etc.

2009-03-07T13:06:00.000-08:00

Hmm...

Ha, well, I had a load of thoughts regarding business and charging for a service I personally could never afford, but I think I've processed them more clearly now. I realize that we are able to create this company and offer this service and do it in good conscience. Our product, methods, approach, and philosophy will be offered without harm to humanity or other created things, the prices will be on par with the current market, and the whole thing will, potentially, educate families towards healthier choices and practices within their homes.

I mentioned to Jeremy last night just how exciting it is to me feel that we can truly offer something that could make the world a better place. Wow! I am so thankful that the work of my hands will actually enhance the health of families and support good things. What if these steps make my world a better place?

Raiding the thrift store

2009-03-06T16:46:00.000-08:00

The time is near; the moment of stepping into our new life will soon be upon us. One week from tomorrow, my husband will drop me at the airport with the baby and we will fly west while he travels through the mountains with our vehicle.

I am terrified.
I am ecstatic.
I am wondering just what we are thinking.

As I write, I am sitting in a newly barren livingroom. While away visiting a dear friend, J held a moving sale. The furniture, extra clothes, books, movies, pictures, shelves, and so many things I was yet clinging to, are now adorning the homes of others. What didn't sell was given to friends or the thrift store. When I walked into the 'renovated' house this week for the first time, I had to stop, swallow, and hold my tongue for several minutes as I processed. Sadly, I did not hold my tongue for quite long enough and was soon berating my partner for the thoroughness of his actions. (however, he DID give away items which I had thought we were keeping; my dishtowels, my cherished kitchen clock, the bookshelf.... But, well, read on.).
While I thought I was prepared for the visible reality of what we are doing, 'losing' some of my things, even just simple things like towels, struck me deeply. I was so sad, and then allowed myself to be so angry! I wanted my things! I want my things! If we're going to get rid of them then let's at least get a pretty penny in return, right? We could have made more, we could still own more, we could look a little more 'settled' or 'successful'.
After a few minutes. Nope. After several hours, I was able to appreciate, truly, this next step we had taken. I began to consider the meaning of 'value' and 'importance' and how quickly I say, "But this is important!" and "I need this!" I began to embrace the fact that I have much to learn and much to understand within this new lifestyle. I confessed that I had chosen tea towels over peace in my household. (and, unknown to me, J trucked over to the thrift store to reclaim my clock [apparently sold already], and grab a little table for the livingroom for the next few days :) )

So now, the livingroom literally echoes, but at the moment it is echoing with the babbling of my son and the smile of my husband. The kitchen smells like peppermint and lavender, there is wine decanting for later this evening, and fresh coffee is airing in the other room. We are relaxing this evening, hoping to find a point of rest and perhaps some energy before pressing on through the weekend.
This time next week we'll be tarping the trailer and sharing our last meal in this special little house. This time next week I'll have said good bye to my sweet girlfriends. One week and one day marks the end and the beginning and the realization to the conversation.

So, a wee bit scared and a whole lot hopeful, a tinge of skeptical and a whole lot of maybe.

Breathe...just breathe....

2009-02-22T20:45:00.000-08:00

Time is flying!

The house is almost packed. I'm heading away for a week and expect to come back to an almost empty home as J will be putting the furniture into storage. The bed, couch, desk, etc., will all be held at the garage until we haul them west. For now, we're only bringing what we absolutely need (ie. what we can fit in the RV while we live for the next year).

There have been moments in the past week when I was ready to toss it all; just tell J to pick up some basic work in town and forget all these ridiculous plans. I miss just having days on end with Jem. I miss planning ahead for my garden and little get-togethers. I haven't even begun to process having a mountain range between me and my family and friends. I'm drained and tired and cranky and not anywhere near ready to start a business or live with this crazy man in a 24' tunnel. BUT, we are doing this. We're packing up. We're heading west. We're hoping for a better life. And it's going to be alright. No one is making us do this; when it comes down to it, no one is really forcing our hand. We're going to try this, we're going to hope.

Did I mention I'm terrified?

The why and how: background and influence to the present turn.

2009-02-15T09:03:00.000-08:00

While some who are reading this are familiar with the past few months in my life, several may be wondering what's going on and why this season is so challenging and special and what finally nudged us into seeking a life less loaded. While I'd love to take a few hours and sit down and really share it with you, I'm realistic enough to recognize that my baby will likely only sleep another 20 minutes and my schedule (and personal strength!) can't really handle a pile of coffee-dates and phone calls right now :)

So here we go, a timeline of sorts:

> I have always held a deep love for and wonder of the created order (the earth, creatures, growing things, dirt, air, etc). I LOVE being outside and soaking in fresh air and sunshine. I initially started my academic journey within Agriculture and always assumed I'd end up with some kind of earth/animal science involvement. (Instead I ended with a BA in Education, a BA in Intercultural Studies, and a Masters in Education. Wierd. Hm.)
> I am going on 5 years of being married to a fascinating and frustrating man who challenges me to wed thought and action. I'll refer to him as J.
> I have a gorgeous 7 month old son. I'll refer to him as Jem.
> We hold a collection of degrees, a fantastic vehicle, and many material things. Our families are unique, our friends are true, our marriage is hilarious. We believe in One God, the Christ, and are in constant motion as we seek and think and revise just how this belief is to be expressed, lived, and embraced.
> For the past year or two, my husband and I have been chewing on the question of simplicity, including:
- What does it mean to live simply?
- As a 'faith based' family, how are we called to live (including purchasing, eating, time, space, earth care, possessions, etc)?
- Does ignorance (simply not holding the knowledge or information) excuse us from actions that may harm the earth, workers in other countries, children, or other living beings?

> One week before Christmas J was laid off without warning (actually, in complete contrast to a promise that his job was secure!). We suddenly found ourselves at home (I'm on mat leave) with no formal income, tons of student debt, and a whole lot of questions. Our earlier reflections were suddenly the key components of long conversations and late night reflections and we soon began to consider that this shift could be a potential doorway to opportunity and growth instead of a purely negative hit.

We began to chew on the following:
- Are we living the life we want to be living?
- Why is J giving his best hours: away from his family, exhausting his body, dulling his mind; all to make another man rich?
- Should J jump back into another trade-based company? In the midst of a recession where people are dumping workers by the thousands? Should i just ask him to suck it up and provide?
[The step into trade work was initially a short term (2-6 years) solution to our need for income. We needed to make headway into our student debt and have enough cashflow so I could stay home with Jem. ]
- Considering our current lifestyle, are our beliefs and actions in tandem? What are we teaching our son? "Be anything you want to be...after you've put in your time" "Reach for the stars! But don't expect to ever touch them" "Family comes first...after the 9-5 is done and the bills are paid and the boss is happy and the house is clean and..." We were convicted.
- We saw the lives our own fathers had chosen. They worked hard, SO hard. They gave their best hours and days and years and decades to men who used them and tossed them. They provided financially for their families but lost much in the process. J began to see the continuation of the cycle in his own life with his own son, and it hit hard.
- Could it be possible to work hard, share life, live well (meaning with health and safety and basic needs met), and really love our life while being consistent in belief and action?

Given that glimpse of background, we decided we needed to change our lives. To change the outward expression of living we had to consider what we actually believed. Discussions on materialism, ethical buying, organic food, and more consumed our morning coffee times and evening walks. We soon decided on the following steps:
> Begin a 'Buy Nothing' year. Well, for us it's more of a 'buy with conscience and limitations' year. I'll share the outline of that in a future post.
> Purge. Go through everything. Every closet, room, attic, shelf. Recycle, give, or trash those things that are cluttering our house and life. And do it deeply.
> Create our own company. Yup. Our talks and research had led into some fairly drastic lifestyle changes. It didn't take long to realize that many other were making some similar changes in their own homes (through conscience or trend) and that a business opportunity was opening up. Within weeks we set out to create an eco-based cleaning company.
> Pull up and set out. Our business would do best in a green-based area that wasn't yet saturated with other similar companies. J is originally from the West Coast so we began making plans to move.

And now....
Now we are in the deep of it. We are over our heads and learning to breathe. It's fantastic and terrifying.
We have created a company called GreenHomes Cleaning, with related service called the GreenValley Roaster. While it's still under construction, you can check out our website at greenhomescleaning.ca
We're moving to BC in one month.
We'll be living in a 24 ft' RV in my inlaws driveway.
Our house has undergone a deep and exhausting purging. We've discarded (mostly recycled or sold) countless bags of clothes, electronics, pictures, toys, and knick-knacks. If I had known just how much we were going to toss I would have kept an inventory! ;)
We no longer use any synthetic chemicals for cleaning.
We no longer use synthetic body care products.
We no longer purchase or play with plastic toys.
We eat much less meat. And I'm becoming very creative with beans ;)

We are entirely different people than we were only months ago.

This is a very long post so I'm going to stop now, just to keep things organized. I hope this has helped create a bit of a picture of where I'm coming from and why this blog is important to me this year. This blog exists as my place of record for all that's happening in this whole crazy shift. It's entirely public (something I've never done before) and I really hope that others will be challanged and encouraged as they reflect on their own changes and choices. I look forward to witnessing what happens cuz, quite frankly, I really don't have a clue what's coming. :)

The concept is so much more romantic than the application

2009-02-09T08:51:00.000-08:00

This is TOUGH.
Wow. Seriously.
For some readers my exasperation may not make a whole lot of sense just yet as I haven't caught up on the 'background' of things (coming soon, I promise), but honestly, today is way too difficult.

We are pursuing 'a simple life'.
We want to downsize, prioritize, live life with things that have true value. We don't want to be tied down by our possesions or travel over the mountains with boxes of things that will simply remain in boxes as they exist simply for, well, existing. But holy crap, moving from here to there in lifestyle and thinking is much MUCH more difficult than I could have ever anticipated.

This morning it felt like all hell broke loose in my kitchen. I walked in to see my shelves stripped bare, some very special sentimental glass items in the recycling box, the pictures off of the walls, and most of the asethetic appeal within our home either packed, trashed, or recycled. I was blown away. I was angry. I was hurt. I was exasperated. See, I'm the type of girl who loves creating a 'home'; a cozy nook of pretty things and a welcoming environment of hospitality and food and soft lighting. I love to feel a sense of safety and ownership and familiarity within my home environment. I deeply love this house and the home I have created within it.
Now we're moving. But not for 5 weeks.
Here's the difficulty. J' is the type of fellow who is always one step ahead. Academic papers are completed months in advance. Planning is a week ahead of time for events. Packing for a move, well, he was ready to start two months ago, before we had even decided a move was certain. So for him to posses a sense of peace and order and focus, he desires the house to be packed and ready (ie. empty) so that he can enjoy the last weeks without the stress of packing and hauling.
I say it'd be more enjoyable if there were a chair to sit on or a pretty picture on the wall ;)

Now, if we were simply moving and wanted to be ahead of the game, that's one thing. However, we're changing our entire life; our philosophy of consumption and posession and dwelling and eating and purchasing and EVERTHING. When you place that kind of change within a cross-country move it leads to incredibly intense moments.
I am struggling. I am really struggling.
Fact: I DO desire a simplified life.
Fact: I DO want to go through things and purge stuff and hold on to less.
Fact: I DO need to change in some key areas.
But....
Fact: Sometimes sentiment is more valuable than things that are expensive or fancy.
Fact: It is REALLY challenging to change everything in a month. I don't even know if it's possible.
Fact: I've come so far in such a short time.
And....
Question: How far do you go? When can I say "I've arrived!" or...can I?
Question: What is actually worth holding onto?
Question: What about all the money I've invested into these things?
Question: What about some of the beautiful sentimental things that I love simply because they were given in love?
Queston: Dear God, how am I going to survive this? What good is an empty house if the homemaker jumps ship? ;)

(sigh)

It has been a most difficult morning and I do not know what to do. I am angry at my partner. I am frustrated within (or at?) myself.

J said that simpler does not always equate simple.
We (on a good day) want a simple life, not just simple in comparison to yesterday.
So how are we going to get there?

Catching up before moving on

2009-02-06T21:36:00.000-08:00

Good evening.
While it's my hope to contribute to this blog on a regular basis (I'm thinking at least once a week, perhaps each Monday?), I'm apparently off to a slow start. Yikes! Sorry :(

For the next few posts, allow me to catch up and to share the purpose of this blog. As it's late here in my time zone and I've had an evening of port and chocolate, I'll share this in pretty little points:

Purpose:
- To share my journey of the past few months and the coming year.
-To step into, contribute to, and build, a community surround the conversation of 'living simply' and/or 'creating a life instead of just making a living'.
- To help me focus and process as I stumble through the coming year, and to have something to look back on in the midst of coming success or failure.

Well. That's all for now. I promise I'll get this organized and growing soon.

2009-01-29T12:26:00.001-08:00

Hello?

Welcome to my reflections and experiences of embracing a life less loaded. I invite you to enter into my life and journey through these entries of thought-upon-screen, and to share in the coming lessons, triumphs, changes, hardships, and discoveries. I'm unsure as to what the coming year is going to hold, but I am anticipating significant interactions and marker-points. So come with me, let go with me, unload with me. Let's share in this 'life less loaded'.