Of Gypsies and Cowboys

2009 has one hour left. The New Year is breathing at the door; eager for entrance. Never before have I been so ready for one year to end and the other to begin. Bring it! Come on! Show me your best, your worst, your sickening middle lands! There is nothing I cannot take, nothing I haven’t seen. I am bold and terrified and older and more foolish, so bring to me now and let me stand!
This past year saw the best and worst of all I am. We walked through job loss and business creation, marriage joys and desolation, the celebration and loss of two babies, nights in five gypsy homes. I have witnessed my husband laugh with joy, curse with anger, weep with despair. I have heard my heart bargain with God upon blood spots and wedding vows and false opinions. As a couple we have been entirely misunderstood by family, employers, and friends. We have been berated, ridiculed, chastised, and abandoned. By strangers have we been embraced. Feasting and fasting have brought aches to our body, while moonlight and solitiude have gifted us with clarity. We have literally, spiritually, and personally lost much of what we have held so dear. In the same ways we have gained more than we can hope or imagine.
We have become everything we hate and have witnessed much of what we hope for.
We have become utterly lost and experienced the desperate need to be utterly found.
2009 has left us shattered and better people. I look at these past months with loathing and wonder.
I would never do it again.
I would never wish it taken from me.

This year has shown me my utter depravity as well as my consuming hope for a better life; a life of rest and peace and joy, a life worth living upon this earth, a life worth hoping for in the midst of days.

Farwell 2009, damned and blessed. I will forever remember your roads and never long for them again. Farewell, and be blessed.

I keep saying "Merry Christmas!" in hopes that it will eventually feel that way. There are only a few hours left in the day. Somehow it seems like the whole season should be weeks away instead of ending. I am finding it increasingly diffcult to understand, apply, and interact with 'Christmas' in the midst of my culture, limitations, desires, and questions. There's so much and so little and again I'm left wondering.

I am so so tired. We're heading the the Valley next week for some days away while the ranch fills with crowds. It'll be great to see all the guests but it's also our only opportunity to step away and catch a breath. Even today, the biggest 'holiday' for working folk, was filled with chores and wood boxes and cleaning. We love it and would not trade it, but I am feeling a need for one complete day without cooking, cleaning, cold, or early rising.

Hm. My posts have being more blue than sunny of late hey? Sorry!

Tonight we will have a greasy appy' snack with a movie, drink the last of yesterday's wine, and (try to) convince the kiddo to go to bed early and sleep late.

To you my friends: Sweet Christmas.

I'ts Christmas Eve!!! WOW. Unbelievable

I awoke in my own home. Sadly, I hardly slept due to the overhwhelming fumes filling the whole cabin! Hopefully it will all air out before too long.

There's oatmeal on the stove, fire burning, carols singing, and tree sparkling. Been sleepy can't touch the hope to be found in this day.

(I wrote this last night but was without an internet signal.)
I cannot even believe I’m sitting here, on my own couch, in front of a perfect fire in my new home. I feel as though I am in a dream; as though much of what I have been waiting for has come and is real, yet not.


I am utterly exhausted. My body has gone through a lot in the past while and I long for sleep. In spite of my desire for bed, I am forcing myself to stay awake and soak up this first evening. I cannot go to bed, it is too beautiful and the day has been too awful and wonderful and close my eyes to just yet.

We cut down a perfect Christmas tree before sundown this eveing. It’s skinny and close to 14 feet tall! We adorned it with clear lights, red glass balls, candy canes, and dried flowers. Our parcel-papered gifts are tucked underneath, minus one. The missing package breaks my heart with every glance towards that corner. But, what’s done is done and perhaps this time next year One will join us with breath and warmth.

I prepared dinner on my old frying pan on the cabin’s new stove. It was utterly fantastic.

Freshly cut pine boughs are strewn on the mantle, window frames, and cabinets. It’s one feeble and festive attempt at both seasonal decor and air purification (this place is FULL of awful fumes from various stains and lacquers).

Well, I think I must go to bed now for who knows when that baby boy will wake? Speaking of the sweet prince, he is cradled in his own bed, one that has not held his frame for close to 10 months. I wish him, and you, the sweetest of dreams.

To a day that held the very best and worst of this tumultuous year—good night.

Sometimes blogs and online comunities become venues for venting, chatter, and random fillers. But today is for honesty.

Two significant moments mark today:
1. We're moving intou Augusta!!! How incredibly exciting!
2. We were (very newly) pregnant and as of this morning are not.

How is that one day can mark such an exciting beginning as well as such a tragic end?

Hmm. In many ways the one new life seemed the perfect beautiful end to this year of peaks and valleys. However, I can also embrace how the mixed light and dark of this morning is also entirely fitting. We began this journey with loss and hope, and we now end this year in the same manner.

Outside our forested mountain is glistening with frost and light and shadows; so cold and beautful. It all appears dead, but really, it is only sleeping.

Our days are insane right now and I can hardly see straight. We're packing, moving, cleaning, tending the ranch, trying to be a couple and family, and oh wait, it's Christmas. It's almost too much.

An hour ago I was trying to catch up on work at the main house while talking to J on the phone (in town getting more supplies) and I looked out the window to see creatures on the lake. I was super excited and grabbed the binoc's only to see OUR HORSES were in the middle of the lake with above freeing temperatures!!! (above freezing for the past week!). What's a gal to do when she's home alone and in charge of the ranch? I tied Jem on my back, grabbed a quad and a grain bucket, alerted the cabin crew (for safety), and went on my mission. We made it safe and sound-- yay! But dang, how crazy is that? I mean, they oculd have totally broken threw and I would have been powerless to stop it! It takes a LOT of work and a LOT of energy and awareness to keep up a place this size.

anyways. Just catching my breath. The sky has suddenly opened up with huge flakes. It's so beautiful....

What a day! What a week! I feel like I've been living in a whirlwind; packing, hauling, cleaning, discussing, learning, trying to do what is right, trying to change what is wrong, trying to get everything done and be all I should be. All of this can take a bit of a gal!
The afternoon is late though and evening will come before long. J has been sent off on another errand for the work crew and has several more hours left in his day before he can stop. But evening will come and then we will sprawl and eat and drink and breathe and reflect.

One week from today is Christmas. Wow. It looks like we'll be waking up Christmas morning in our new home...!

Christmas Eve is one week from tomorrow! How is that possible!? So bizarre. This time last year we were reeling and reflecting and trying to process all the changes about us while coming up with a plan of action. Jem was plump and jolly and not even crawling. We were without a clue but hopig for the future and ready to leave it all behind.
A year later we've learned that some things never change. People can still be fickle. Misunderstandings still abound. Tendrils of fear for the future are forever eager to wrap about my heart and choke my breath of Life. The past couple of days have reaffirmed our need to be loyal and comitted to each other, especially in the face of questioning and conflict. If other people falsely accuse you or think wrongly of you, and your spouse follows suit, then all is lost. We need to have each other's backs.

Anyways. Onwards...!

Today we hauled a bunch of boxes into Augusta. Our entire collection of possesions fills about 1/3 of our master bedroom. Still too much, yet surprisingly little. I am so excited to open them and place their contents in their new home. The cabin still feels far from completion; pluming electrical, some windows, stairs.... BUT, we should have things set up throughout the weekend and (hopefully)move in early next week. Crazy! Much is based on the electrical though as we'd love to have appliances working!

I'm unsure if we'll have a Chrstimas tree as we'll be barely in there before The Day itself, but I'm hoping. This is the most "unchristmas" Christmas I've experienced....

Best to you!

(I've posted this on FB and xanga and such, but it's such a big thing I figured reptition is allowed...Thanks.)
Happy Anniversary! One year ago today we started this crazy new journey life, kicked off by the dark and underhanded actions of a man named Billy C. One year later, we are changed, weaker, stronger people for it. Billy, live long and prosper.


Posted one year ago today (midnight, so posted as the 16th but from the 15th..)
Scene opens:
Wife waiting for Husband. He's late.... Supper ready, baby happy, coffee on
(Husband enters)
Wife: Hi! Welcome home! You're late, I was getting worried! Supper's ready when you are
(Baby laughs and throws toy)
(Husband tries to straigten up and stand a little taller)
Husband: So... I was laid off just now....
Wife: ....
Wife?
Wife: Wooooow.... Huh. Huh? Hmmm.... I love you.
Husband: I love you.
Wife: Wooooow..... Hmm.... woooow.... crazy....
Husband: Yup, good times.
(Husband chuckles)
Wife: Huh...interesting...
(Baby laughs and blows bubbles at Daddy)
Wife: Well. I made supper and there's fresh coffee. Let's sit and eat.
Husband: Thanks Love, this looks awesome
(Couple clasps hands in prayer. Baby laughs.)
Wife: Well. Wow. I love you. So. Whaddya think? B***ys an ass hey?
Husband: Ah, but he's not happy or content. But it's all good. Let's take a look at things and see what could be, ya never know....
Wife: Hon'...it's the week before Christmas. When does this start?
Husband: Effective immediatly.
Wife: Hm. Woooow. Huh.
(Baby reaches for his dad)
Husband: I was kinda looking forward to the Christmas party. i already rsvp'd....
Wife: Ha. Yeah. Wow. huh... Well, I love you crazy man. Time to see what could be....
Husband: I love you.
(Baby laughs, unaware)

It's been an interesting evening.
Lots going on and lots to think about.

Good morning 


Jem arose at 5:00am this morning; something to do with staying at Grandma and Grandpa’s house I suppose.... I wasn’t overly impressed and can hear coffee #2 calling my name. We’re in the city for the weekend for an early Christmas celebration and a break from the hectic pace of building the cabin and such.

I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted in the midst of urban visits. This time, however, was unique. As I went through the errands and conversations and traffic, I found myself inspired. I felt increased desire and energy to write, create, learn, and change. I think there is a unique rhythm developing with our isolation at the ranch and our forays into urbanity. In our isolation we have opportunity to read, think, write, and talk about it. When we venture back into the city and social interactions we are able to apply new ideas and be reminded of varying expressions of belief and practice. I am finally able to appreciate the crowds and groups and ‘others’ as they are helping me understand myself and greater Life so much more.

Need that coffee...!

Not much new here these days. I DID do a picture post but somehow posted it to the wrong blog!! (a public blog in which I'm one of many contributers-- wow!). Our days are fairly the same right now; chores, cleaning, working at the cabin, cooking, eating, waiting for evening, waiting for our home, waiting for Christmas, waiting....
Augusta looks amazing but is still at least a week from opening her doors to us. There is much more beyond that as well (exterior finishing, basement, some glass, etc.) but we should be able to dwell in there by Christmas. We hope. I am longing for my home. I Know I am blessed so deeply and thoroughly in our current situation, but I desire a home and space and the opportunity to unpack.

Anyways. I'm just rambling. Time to get the boy ready for bed. It's almost the weekend....

Happy Saturday! (I think. It IS Saturday right?!)

The house is empty for a minute, lunch soup is already started on the stove, and I need to begin bread right away but am stealing just one more minute. The sun is cutting across the mountinside; half dark and half sparkling light. The horses are fed, the guys are working at Augusta (our cabinets arrived last night!), and I'm trying to plan out my day. Working on last Christmas gifts, packing last parcels, cooking, baking, and attempting some work with my new snap press are all on the agenda.

Well. Better get to it!

There were about 10 cow/calf pairs who managed to avoid the round-up this fall. They've been on the run, through our forests and pastures and lakeside, avoiding the ranchers and apparently having a blast. Well, their time is up as trailers and cowboys pulled in this morning and set out on horseback.
Now, maybe it's my background or novels or Hollywood, but isn't there just something awesome about a earthy grizzled 'real' cowboy? With polka-dot scarves, sheepskin chaps, dark eyes, and that lean swagger, well, it just makes a girl pleased to be living on a ranch :) (one of them completed his ensemble with an Irish styled newsboy hat. Funny!)
Anyways. So far they've caught about half the cows and a dark wooly bull and they're all bawling up at the barn. Fun day!

On another note. Here are the promised pastry and butter tartlet recipes! Credit goes to my dear friend Missy for sharing her baking and then her recipes-- yum!

Missy's Butter Tarts

2 eggs beaten
2/3 c. butter melted
2 c. Dark brown sugar
4 tbs milk
2 tsp brandy (or vanilla)
walnuts (preferred amount)
Mix all ingredients together (adding the egg last so that the butter will have cooled and won't cook it). Pour into the shells. Bake at 375 for 15 to 20 minutes, depending on your stove (10 minutes for tarlets).

Missy's Sweet Pastry

1 c. Shortening
2 c. Flour
2 tbs. sugar
1/2 tsp salt
4 tbs. cold water

Mix dry ingredients. Cut in butter and mix until crumbs form. Add water and mix until a dough forms into a ball. Knead together any last bits by hand, and refrigerate for an hour or up to 3 days. Bring to room temperature before rolling.
(This pastry has proven fantastic with buttertarts and other sweet tarts and pies. Best if rolled between floured parchment or waxed paper).
Sour cream pastry
Published by Chatelaine on 10/1/2006
Ingredients
2 cups (500 mL) all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp (2 mL) salt
1 cup (250 mL) cold unsalted butter, cut into cubes
1/2 cup (125 mL) sour cream
1 egg yolk

Mix dry ingredients. Cut in butter and mix until crumbs form. Add sour cram and egg yolk and whirl dough forms into a ball. (this pastry mixes best in a food processor) Refrigerate for an hour or up to 3 days, or freeze for up to 1 month. Bring to room temperature before rolling.
(This pastry is incredible with any apple pies and dumplings, as well as savory quiches. It freezes well and bakes up incredibly light, flaky, and golden. Perfect!)

The house is cold as the temperature has finally dropped. The yard is sparkling like an elfish land and glinting particles of blue and red and pink through the tiny crystals formed on each piece of grass and on each branch and post. It is GORGEOUS. The horses are all shaggy and covered in frost, Jem's cheeks are rosy red, and I'm trying to get the house fires burning a little higher and a little hotter.

There are two stone masons at work on the chimney here in the main house (it's one huge cenral chimney for 3 stoves). They're setting new dark flagstone and it's beautiful. There are certain trades that I find expecially intriguing, masonery is one of them. It seems like such an art to fit each stone so perfectly together so that it can last for years. My great-grandma was an accomplished carpenter (and horse trainer!), and I think it would be so cool if more women, including myself, would master a trade or two? Have you ever considered learning one?

Thanks to those who have taken the time to interact on my 'Blog to Inspire' entry! I realluy appreciate it :) I just shared a larger comment/response to some of the new points of interaction, and thought I'd post it here as well in case you haven't checked back:

I really appreciate the honest and varied interaction. Thanks friends! This is so great and I really welcome the critiques and questions. More! How fun :)


From what I read and see, it seems that there are many expressions and extensions of baby-wearing. I know that many parents adopt it deeply and thoroughly as a form of attachment parenting, while others swing entirely opposite, believing that independence and development are better learned outside of a sling or carrier.

The beautiful thing abot parenting is that as we selflessly raise our children we will seek what is best for them as individuals and for us as a whole family. I've met many of the children connected to these comments and they are each beautiful, balanced, and healthy. The evidence of love and care within their upbringing is obvious.

It seems our family is right smack in the middle when it comes to baby-wearing views. We desire our children to develop as balanced and independent individuals who are confident and strong on their own, but we have LOVED the unexpected connection and interaction that wearing has offered. And, truth be told, in our current lifestyle we have simply had to adopt this practice. We don't have sitters available and our grounds can be dangerous for a baby/toddler. When J's at work and I have chores, Jem is simply safer on my back then under the horses feet, climbing a scaffold, or jumping off a dock. (though he has had his share of crawling through puddles and uprooting the garden and tackling the dogs and....)

Jem has hit the 30 pound mark now and, while I relish the fitness of my upper body, my 5'2" frame is nearing its limit ;)

Again, thanks for the interaction.