Of Gypsies and Cowboys

What is it that makes us ask the questions? What is this churning presence which has propelled J and I towards the actions and reactions of the past several months? Is it ourselves all riled up with discontent and lofty dreams? Is it culture and the urge to push against it? Is it God, drawing us into something beyong ourselves, less and more? Is it good? Bad? Grey?

[Too many of the past posts have exhuded an air of discouragement and confusion. For that, my dear few readers, I apologize. There are times when 'the blog' is such a fantastic impartial ear. Hands on keyboard become 'heart processing', or something like that. I have often (through my own sickening realization or the gentle urging of others) gone back and revised or deleted thoughts that would have been better processed on a quiet walk instead of a public intangible space. But anyways, rambling! All this to say, I'm not going to go and delete those past discouraging ones as they are this journey. They are a little too raw to be understood, even by myself, but they're the reality of the process. Ha, words and sentences and paragraphs become that book of life (a take on a personal reflection with a friend too far). ]

So then. Almost out of time! (Jem is rustling but at least supper is in the oven).

In all of this (this being the past 2 days or so) I have learned so much. I am beginning to recognize that it is not necessarily what you do, but what you do with what you do (make sense?). Some of the most beautiful people I have met are those who clock in each day, perform their tasks, care for their families, and do it all unto their God. Those people have a life worth living. Some of the most miserable people I have met are those in the same positions, forcing themselves through, getting it done so they can take home a cheque and make it to the weekend and not much more. I don't want that kind of life.
I have witnessed gorgeous lives rife with suffering, poverty, burdens, and broken dreams, but built on faith and purpose and a mysterious unseen focus that brings light to the eyes and joy to each day. And we have all witnessed the ones who 'have it all' and who will never have enough; using, abusing, not even seeing the wealth within their grasp, and dying wanting more. I have seen evil people praised for their success and good people scorned. I have questioned why God can champion the villain while being blind to the child. I've come to realize the most of what is valued in the living of life is the unseen; breathe in, breathe out.

I am not yet who I will be, but I am responsible for who I am. I may not be doing what I will do, but I can grow joy in each action I take. With wealth or poverty, I can life richly. With suffering or ease, I can express joy.
Who I am today may have been influenced by certain people or experiences, but they are not the deciding voices. The can not be, as then I would lose any voice of my own. Life is. And life will be. I am responsible for the living.