Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I'm sitting here in the trailer and avoiding the excessive mess around me. It's time to clean this place out and look towards resale (I'll explain later), but we have settled in here quite thoroughly. My dear husband's system is to emtpy the drawers and cabinets...and then head to the next town to play tennis and help a friend move. Hmm. My system it to stare at it all, shift the piles to the next square foot, refold/repackage, stare, and head to my computer. Niether of these systems are really working for me. Hmph.
For all we've discarded in the past 1/2 year you would think it would be easier to deal with repacking. Unfortunately, it looks like I have yet to learn some key points in clutter-control. What do people do with those little scraps and bits; cards, travel mugs, magazines, containers...? One of my sisterIL's is so wonderfully organized and her house is so beautiful. I need to learn her system!

Anyways!

So, we're moving.

That got your attention didn't it?
I wish I had the energy and focus to write a beautiful summary of how it all came to be. For now, you'll have to be satisfied with a basic summary.
In one sentence: We've accepted a caretaker-type position on a sprawling mountain ranch where we can reside, roast coffee, create, pray, process the past months/years, receive an income, and just 'be'. It's about two hours from our current residence and situated on 850 acres. We'll be spending the first months in another motor home (but bigger! and likely cleaner!), and then we'll see from there. GreenValley coffee will continue to be 'based' in the current city and we'll continue to supply the sweet store hosting our beans as well as online customers and some markets here and there.
How did this come about? Conversations, connections, and much movement in the unseen.
What do we think about it? Yes please.
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When we began this journey I had no idea where it would lead. I thought I knew what some of the end-points would look like, but I didn't realize how incredibly difficult all those mid-points would be. I have aged, our marriage has been excessivly strained, our finances have become a punch line. But right now we're at one of those very rare plateaus upon which we can see the trail leading to this point and how all things have been working together, while at the same time seeing a glimpse of the hope ahead and that there really is an open road and not a pit.
I am ready to find quiet and rest. I am looking forward to being snowed in for a bit and finding my artist's expression. I want to see J working hard and enjoying it without destroying his body or spirit. I can't wait to see Jem ride a horse or catch a frog or hear the coyotes.

We've retained our AB habit of walking wherever we can. Just before this new position was confirmed we walked downtown and back. We saw the geese in the pond, passed the scantily-clad teens, the quiet street people, and the oblivious. We commented that, while the convenience and offerings of the city have been great, we're more than fine with the quiet and isolation of the ranch. For us, solitude paired with the opporunity to do what we enjoy and think about who we've become is a beautiful thing.

So then, we are celebrating and preparing to move on, again. For those who have offered criticism alone, we invite quietness. But for those who have supported, conversed, and considered, we invite you to step ahead with us and look back and forward. Let's soak in the Sun of this plateau. Let's breathe and rest. And let's keep moving on; down and up, always forward.

Friday, May 22, 2009

EDIT:
The cupcakes turned out GREAT! Want the recipe? It's modified, of course ;) But yummers! We're taking them out for a picnic tonight. The mini ones are especially nice; just as much frosting as cake! ;)

Chocolate Cupcakes:
1/2 cup (50 grams) organic cocoa powder
1 cup (240 ml) boiling hot water
1 1/3 cups (175 grams) organic all purpose flour (I think spelt would work well here too!)
1 1/2 tablespoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup butter, room temperature
¼ cup plain yogurt
1/2 cup organic granulated white sugar
½ cup unsweetened applesauce
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
10 drops liquid stevia
2 teaspoons instant coffee granules

Chocolate Fudge Frosting:
½ cup chocolate, coarsely chopped (bakers, melting, whatever. Or cocoa?)
1/3 cup butter, room temperature
1 cup icing sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract (or kahlua or rum or maple or…hmmm!)


Preheat to 375 degrees F
Prep muffin tins (I made 12 regular ones and 12 teeny tiny ones).
- In a small bowl stir until smooth the boiling hot water, cocoa powder, and coffee. Let cool to room temperature.
- In another bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt.
- Cream the butter, applesauce, yogurt, and sugar until light and fluffy. Add stevia
- Add the eggs, one at a time, beating until smooth. Beat in the vanilla extract.
- Add the flour mixture, followed by the cooled cocoa mixture and mix until smooth.

Fill each muffin cup two-thirds full with batter and bake for about 16-20 minutes or until risen, springy to the touch, and a toothpick inserted into a cupcake comes out clean. Remove from oven and place on a wire rack to cool.

Chocolate Frosting:
Melt the chocolate. Beat the butter until smooth and creamy (about 1 minute). Add the sugar and beat until it is light and fluffy (about 2 minutes). Beat in the vanilla extract. Add the chocolate and mix it all up till smooth and irresistible.

(These would also be yummy filled with vanilla cream! )

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Recipe modified from original at:
Bell, Annie. 'Gorgeous Cakes'. Kyle Books. Distributed by National Book Network. Lanham, MD: 2005.
Lewis, Matt & Nelson, Alison. 'Chocolate Bar'. Stonesong Press. New York: 2004.

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It's been a gorgeous week out here in our lives and land. Beginning with chilly rain and sprinking into blue skies and sunshine, the past five days have been filled with hikes, picnics, art, and naps. Not the typical week hey? Almost holiday'ish! It's been good for us. We're regaining that lost and simple exercise of breathing, pausing, and listening. We're tasting and feeling again. We're finding unforced smiles on our faces; those funny little expressions that can so easily become a memory and a publicly enforced obligation.

Today I am going to make cupcakes. I'll call them 'Fresh Friday Cupcakes' :) I think they'll be chocolatey and perhaps even slathered in buttercream icing. I can't remember the last time I made cupcakes! Muffins yes, (flax and bran and...) but cupcakes? Hm, but I already know I'll be subbing in applesauce for the butter and a wee bit of stevia to cut back on the sugar and.... Maybe they'll be 'Flat Flax Cupcakes' instead ;)

My baby boy was up too early and is already cuddling in for a nap. His birthday is drawing near, as is his ability to run around on his own. His hair is shaggy and his steps more confident by the day. His legs are stretching out and his increased mobility is working away at the chubby rolls I love. He lays in bed at night singing songs and signing "Dad!" and playing with his lamby. He dances to any and every rhythm, has a taste for curried (anything!), and laughs hysterically at burps and sneezes. He's stubborn and independent and inquisitive. He's the most beautiful thing I know.

Anyways. Off to bake while the baby sleeps.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009







It's cold and rainy here tonight, but we're warm and cozy. Last night we went for a walk in the rain then cozied up with a gorgeous chocolate torte and strawberry wine from a local winery. We took time to talk and process some of what we have experienced in the past several months. In the midst of job loss, letting go of posessions, moving, fighting, laughing, learning, rejoicing, struggling, and days of too manys ups and downs, we've come to learn so much. While it's likely that most people can learn what they need to without dumping their lives out and about like this, the whole experience is showing beautiful points of change and understanding.

In the midst of our reflections we were reminded how the theme we choose for our marriage and life continues to show itself: "To everything there is a season..." Time and again we have walked through seasons of growth, harvest, and change, and for months we have felt caught in a long winter. The light and of spring is stretching upon our faces now and we are looking forward with hope. At the same time, we wait with friends who are yet frozen in winters of their own.

Some funny, tough, random moments from the last month:
- Our propane ran out on one of the coldest nights about 2 weeks ago. Jem awoke cold and cranky at about 4am and we all bundled into one bed. It was a cozy night as we snuggled under the rain and tin roof.
- This week our bed deflated in the middle of the night! Yet another one of the unique points of camper-living ;)
- My garden is huge! And I'm dealing with my first crop of HUGE slugs (that's sure different from prairie gardening)
- Jeremiah is showing a growing interest in the outdoors; dirt, worms, ducklings; they all bring light to his face :)



Thursday, May 14, 2009

What is it that makes us ask the questions? What is this churning presence which has propelled J and I towards the actions and reactions of the past several months? Is it ourselves all riled up with discontent and lofty dreams? Is it culture and the urge to push against it? Is it God, drawing us into something beyong ourselves, less and more? Is it good? Bad? Grey?

[Too many of the past posts have exhuded an air of discouragement and confusion. For that, my dear few readers, I apologize. There are times when 'the blog' is such a fantastic impartial ear. Hands on keyboard become 'heart processing', or something like that. I have often (through my own sickening realization or the gentle urging of others) gone back and revised or deleted thoughts that would have been better processed on a quiet walk instead of a public intangible space. But anyways, rambling! All this to say, I'm not going to go and delete those past discouraging ones as they are this journey. They are a little too raw to be understood, even by myself, but they're the reality of the process. Ha, words and sentences and paragraphs become that book of life (a take on a personal reflection with a friend too far). ]

So then. Almost out of time! (Jem is rustling but at least supper is in the oven).

In all of this (this being the past 2 days or so) I have learned so much. I am beginning to recognize that it is not necessarily what you do, but what you do with what you do (make sense?). Some of the most beautiful people I have met are those who clock in each day, perform their tasks, care for their families, and do it all unto their God. Those people have a life worth living. Some of the most miserable people I have met are those in the same positions, forcing themselves through, getting it done so they can take home a cheque and make it to the weekend and not much more. I don't want that kind of life.
I have witnessed gorgeous lives rife with suffering, poverty, burdens, and broken dreams, but built on faith and purpose and a mysterious unseen focus that brings light to the eyes and joy to each day. And we have all witnessed the ones who 'have it all' and who will never have enough; using, abusing, not even seeing the wealth within their grasp, and dying wanting more. I have seen evil people praised for their success and good people scorned. I have questioned why God can champion the villain while being blind to the child. I've come to realize the most of what is valued in the living of life is the unseen; breathe in, breathe out.

I am not yet who I will be, but I am responsible for who I am. I may not be doing what I will do, but I can grow joy in each action I take. With wealth or poverty, I can life richly. With suffering or ease, I can express joy.
Who I am today may have been influenced by certain people or experiences, but they are not the deciding voices. The can not be, as then I would lose any voice of my own. Life is. And life will be. I am responsible for the living.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009







Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Has it been this long already? Wow.

We are in pursuit of a life less-loaded. What does that even mean? One year ago it was a niggling thought in the back of my mind, shoved away by the impending arrival of my son, the lure of my huge prairie garden, the rest of maternity leave, and the joy of my friends. In December it became a thought, January and February incubated it into a spoken idea and plan. In March, it shifted into an action and April began with growth and optimism. By May it had shifted into grey questions and today it feels as though the whole idea is a burden and a joke.

Is there a less loaded life out there? Is there a possibility of simple joy and happiness without being trapped in the 9-5, the race, the concrete and exhaust(ion)? The rich become richer, the poor become more poor. The corporations inhale the shops who will feed them and step upon the rest. The father dreams of a better life for his son, but is torn between 'better' and 'life' as he picks up a time card and boxes up his dreams. The mother leaves the home to make a home and the children wonder.And they all smile and trod along and say it's worth it cuz they're making a better life. A better life a better life a better life....

______________

The paper cancelled on us last week. They're supposed to show up this afternoon but...? Chamber of Commerce cancelled on me yesterday. What? Our coffee bags are caught up in a bizarre 20 post email thread. We just want the bags without the extended commentary please. The labels are in a similar pit. Our contact for a location is in San Diego (indefinitly) and not returning our calls. An amazing opportunity for a business start-up program (a year of EI funding while we begin) appears out of our reach since we can not show a record of all the employers who have rejected us,. (yes, apparently self-emplyment is only for the truly desperate).
This is the tough stuff. This adds to 'the loaded'.
_______________

Can you tell my thoughts are scattered? Ha!

I'm sick as a wet cat today; some ridiculous cold. I eating Halls and trying to drink enough to make food for my baby. I'm not sure what I'm going to work on today. Perhaps I will take a minute to look at my garden, talk to my God, call up my friends. I can feel the next stage coming. This is the part where I shiver on the dock all pimply and mottled before taking a breath and jumping in, again.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Since becoming a mama, and even moreso, since embarking upon the adventure of the last several months, I have found that I my mind resembles a large and kitten-tossed ball of yarn. Ideas, frustrations, questions, artistic notions, theological reflections, sleep deprivation, hormones, emotions, images, etc., are all tangled about without apparent order or end.

I'm not much a fan of this yarn-balled-life.

The past few days have been especially tangled. In business we have experienced some very prounounced 'ups' (an exciting 'official' account with a shop purchasing 20 lbs of beans, an offer from a group with a potential for significant return), as well as some very difficult 'downs' (pre-inspection rejection of our site, financial realities, delayed products and orders). In the day-to-day it is much the same; inspiring conversation and connection partnered with broken sleep paired with non-stop days mingling with sunshine and garden moments leading to walks and talks connecting to intense arguements coupled with distance from friends and family members leading to.... Yeah.
Ha, and even now, I can feel it. I have thoughts, even some good ones(!), and I can't even begin to articulate them. I'm tired, inspired, drained, and hopeful. So...what's the main thing? What do I want to actually communicate? Hm.

Anyways. I made a gorgeous sweet potatoe pie/souffle thing tonight. It was simply delicious. For now, that's that. Tomorrow: package coffee, love my baby, choose life.

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