Of Gypsies and Cowboys

2009 has one hour left. The New Year is breathing at the door; eager for entrance. Never before have I been so ready for one year to end and the other to begin. Bring it! Come on! Show me your best, your worst, your sickening middle lands! There is nothing I cannot take, nothing I haven’t seen. I am bold and terrified and older and more foolish, so bring to me now and let me stand!
This past year saw the best and worst of all I am. We walked through job loss and business creation, marriage joys and desolation, the celebration and loss of two babies, nights in five gypsy homes. I have witnessed my husband laugh with joy, curse with anger, weep with despair. I have heard my heart bargain with God upon blood spots and wedding vows and false opinions. As a couple we have been entirely misunderstood by family, employers, and friends. We have been berated, ridiculed, chastised, and abandoned. By strangers have we been embraced. Feasting and fasting have brought aches to our body, while moonlight and solitiude have gifted us with clarity. We have literally, spiritually, and personally lost much of what we have held so dear. In the same ways we have gained more than we can hope or imagine.
We have become everything we hate and have witnessed much of what we hope for.
We have become utterly lost and experienced the desperate need to be utterly found.
2009 has left us shattered and better people. I look at these past months with loathing and wonder.
I would never do it again.
I would never wish it taken from me.

This year has shown me my utter depravity as well as my consuming hope for a better life; a life of rest and peace and joy, a life worth living upon this earth, a life worth hoping for in the midst of days.

Farwell 2009, damned and blessed. I will forever remember your roads and never long for them again. Farewell, and be blessed.

I'ts Christmas Eve!!! WOW. Unbelievable

I awoke in my own home. Sadly, I hardly slept due to the overhwhelming fumes filling the whole cabin! Hopefully it will all air out before too long.

There's oatmeal on the stove, fire burning, carols singing, and tree sparkling. Been sleepy can't touch the hope to be found in this day.

(I wrote this last night but was without an internet signal.)
I cannot even believe I’m sitting here, on my own couch, in front of a perfect fire in my new home. I feel as though I am in a dream; as though much of what I have been waiting for has come and is real, yet not.


I am utterly exhausted. My body has gone through a lot in the past while and I long for sleep. In spite of my desire for bed, I am forcing myself to stay awake and soak up this first evening. I cannot go to bed, it is too beautiful and the day has been too awful and wonderful and close my eyes to just yet.

We cut down a perfect Christmas tree before sundown this eveing. It’s skinny and close to 14 feet tall! We adorned it with clear lights, red glass balls, candy canes, and dried flowers. Our parcel-papered gifts are tucked underneath, minus one. The missing package breaks my heart with every glance towards that corner. But, what’s done is done and perhaps this time next year One will join us with breath and warmth.

I prepared dinner on my old frying pan on the cabin’s new stove. It was utterly fantastic.

Freshly cut pine boughs are strewn on the mantle, window frames, and cabinets. It’s one feeble and festive attempt at both seasonal decor and air purification (this place is FULL of awful fumes from various stains and lacquers).

Well, I think I must go to bed now for who knows when that baby boy will wake? Speaking of the sweet prince, he is cradled in his own bed, one that has not held his frame for close to 10 months. I wish him, and you, the sweetest of dreams.

To a day that held the very best and worst of this tumultuous year—good night.

Sometimes blogs and online comunities become venues for venting, chatter, and random fillers. But today is for honesty.

Two significant moments mark today:
1. We're moving intou Augusta!!! How incredibly exciting!
2. We were (very newly) pregnant and as of this morning are not.

How is that one day can mark such an exciting beginning as well as such a tragic end?

Hmm. In many ways the one new life seemed the perfect beautiful end to this year of peaks and valleys. However, I can also embrace how the mixed light and dark of this morning is also entirely fitting. We began this journey with loss and hope, and we now end this year in the same manner.

Outside our forested mountain is glistening with frost and light and shadows; so cold and beautful. It all appears dead, but really, it is only sleeping.

Our days are insane right now and I can hardly see straight. We're packing, moving, cleaning, tending the ranch, trying to be a couple and family, and oh wait, it's Christmas. It's almost too much.

An hour ago I was trying to catch up on work at the main house while talking to J on the phone (in town getting more supplies) and I looked out the window to see creatures on the lake. I was super excited and grabbed the binoc's only to see OUR HORSES were in the middle of the lake with above freeing temperatures!!! (above freezing for the past week!). What's a gal to do when she's home alone and in charge of the ranch? I tied Jem on my back, grabbed a quad and a grain bucket, alerted the cabin crew (for safety), and went on my mission. We made it safe and sound-- yay! But dang, how crazy is that? I mean, they oculd have totally broken threw and I would have been powerless to stop it! It takes a LOT of work and a LOT of energy and awareness to keep up a place this size.

anyways. Just catching my breath. The sky has suddenly opened up with huge flakes. It's so beautiful....

What a day! What a week! I feel like I've been living in a whirlwind; packing, hauling, cleaning, discussing, learning, trying to do what is right, trying to change what is wrong, trying to get everything done and be all I should be. All of this can take a bit of a gal!
The afternoon is late though and evening will come before long. J has been sent off on another errand for the work crew and has several more hours left in his day before he can stop. But evening will come and then we will sprawl and eat and drink and breathe and reflect.

One week from today is Christmas. Wow. It looks like we'll be waking up Christmas morning in our new home...!

Christmas Eve is one week from tomorrow! How is that possible!? So bizarre. This time last year we were reeling and reflecting and trying to process all the changes about us while coming up with a plan of action. Jem was plump and jolly and not even crawling. We were without a clue but hopig for the future and ready to leave it all behind.
A year later we've learned that some things never change. People can still be fickle. Misunderstandings still abound. Tendrils of fear for the future are forever eager to wrap about my heart and choke my breath of Life. The past couple of days have reaffirmed our need to be loyal and comitted to each other, especially in the face of questioning and conflict. If other people falsely accuse you or think wrongly of you, and your spouse follows suit, then all is lost. We need to have each other's backs.

Anyways. Onwards...!

Today we hauled a bunch of boxes into Augusta. Our entire collection of possesions fills about 1/3 of our master bedroom. Still too much, yet surprisingly little. I am so excited to open them and place their contents in their new home. The cabin still feels far from completion; pluming electrical, some windows, stairs.... BUT, we should have things set up throughout the weekend and (hopefully)move in early next week. Crazy! Much is based on the electrical though as we'd love to have appliances working!

I'm unsure if we'll have a Chrstimas tree as we'll be barely in there before The Day itself, but I'm hoping. This is the most "unchristmas" Christmas I've experienced....

Best to you!

(I've posted this on FB and xanga and such, but it's such a big thing I figured reptition is allowed...Thanks.)
Happy Anniversary! One year ago today we started this crazy new journey life, kicked off by the dark and underhanded actions of a man named Billy C. One year later, we are changed, weaker, stronger people for it. Billy, live long and prosper.


Posted one year ago today (midnight, so posted as the 16th but from the 15th..)
Scene opens:
Wife waiting for Husband. He's late.... Supper ready, baby happy, coffee on
(Husband enters)
Wife: Hi! Welcome home! You're late, I was getting worried! Supper's ready when you are
(Baby laughs and throws toy)
(Husband tries to straigten up and stand a little taller)
Husband: So... I was laid off just now....
Wife: ....
Wife?
Wife: Wooooow.... Huh. Huh? Hmmm.... I love you.
Husband: I love you.
Wife: Wooooow..... Hmm.... woooow.... crazy....
Husband: Yup, good times.
(Husband chuckles)
Wife: Huh...interesting...
(Baby laughs and blows bubbles at Daddy)
Wife: Well. I made supper and there's fresh coffee. Let's sit and eat.
Husband: Thanks Love, this looks awesome
(Couple clasps hands in prayer. Baby laughs.)
Wife: Well. Wow. I love you. So. Whaddya think? B***ys an ass hey?
Husband: Ah, but he's not happy or content. But it's all good. Let's take a look at things and see what could be, ya never know....
Wife: Hon'...it's the week before Christmas. When does this start?
Husband: Effective immediatly.
Wife: Hm. Woooow. Huh.
(Baby reaches for his dad)
Husband: I was kinda looking forward to the Christmas party. i already rsvp'd....
Wife: Ha. Yeah. Wow. huh... Well, I love you crazy man. Time to see what could be....
Husband: I love you.
(Baby laughs, unaware)

It's been an interesting evening.
Lots going on and lots to think about.

Good morning 


Jem arose at 5:00am this morning; something to do with staying at Grandma and Grandpa’s house I suppose.... I wasn’t overly impressed and can hear coffee #2 calling my name. We’re in the city for the weekend for an early Christmas celebration and a break from the hectic pace of building the cabin and such.

I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted in the midst of urban visits. This time, however, was unique. As I went through the errands and conversations and traffic, I found myself inspired. I felt increased desire and energy to write, create, learn, and change. I think there is a unique rhythm developing with our isolation at the ranch and our forays into urbanity. In our isolation we have opportunity to read, think, write, and talk about it. When we venture back into the city and social interactions we are able to apply new ideas and be reminded of varying expressions of belief and practice. I am finally able to appreciate the crowds and groups and ‘others’ as they are helping me understand myself and greater Life so much more.

Need that coffee...!

Not much new here these days. I DID do a picture post but somehow posted it to the wrong blog!! (a public blog in which I'm one of many contributers-- wow!). Our days are fairly the same right now; chores, cleaning, working at the cabin, cooking, eating, waiting for evening, waiting for our home, waiting for Christmas, waiting....
Augusta looks amazing but is still at least a week from opening her doors to us. There is much more beyond that as well (exterior finishing, basement, some glass, etc.) but we should be able to dwell in there by Christmas. We hope. I am longing for my home. I Know I am blessed so deeply and thoroughly in our current situation, but I desire a home and space and the opportunity to unpack.

Anyways. I'm just rambling. Time to get the boy ready for bed. It's almost the weekend....

There were about 10 cow/calf pairs who managed to avoid the round-up this fall. They've been on the run, through our forests and pastures and lakeside, avoiding the ranchers and apparently having a blast. Well, their time is up as trailers and cowboys pulled in this morning and set out on horseback.
Now, maybe it's my background or novels or Hollywood, but isn't there just something awesome about a earthy grizzled 'real' cowboy? With polka-dot scarves, sheepskin chaps, dark eyes, and that lean swagger, well, it just makes a girl pleased to be living on a ranch :) (one of them completed his ensemble with an Irish styled newsboy hat. Funny!)
Anyways. So far they've caught about half the cows and a dark wooly bull and they're all bawling up at the barn. Fun day!

On another note. Here are the promised pastry and butter tartlet recipes! Credit goes to my dear friend Missy for sharing her baking and then her recipes-- yum!

Missy's Butter Tarts

2 eggs beaten
2/3 c. butter melted
2 c. Dark brown sugar
4 tbs milk
2 tsp brandy (or vanilla)
walnuts (preferred amount)
Mix all ingredients together (adding the egg last so that the butter will have cooled and won't cook it). Pour into the shells. Bake at 375 for 15 to 20 minutes, depending on your stove (10 minutes for tarlets).

Missy's Sweet Pastry

1 c. Shortening
2 c. Flour
2 tbs. sugar
1/2 tsp salt
4 tbs. cold water

Mix dry ingredients. Cut in butter and mix until crumbs form. Add water and mix until a dough forms into a ball. Knead together any last bits by hand, and refrigerate for an hour or up to 3 days. Bring to room temperature before rolling.
(This pastry has proven fantastic with buttertarts and other sweet tarts and pies. Best if rolled between floured parchment or waxed paper).
Sour cream pastry
Published by Chatelaine on 10/1/2006
Ingredients
2 cups (500 mL) all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp (2 mL) salt
1 cup (250 mL) cold unsalted butter, cut into cubes
1/2 cup (125 mL) sour cream
1 egg yolk

Mix dry ingredients. Cut in butter and mix until crumbs form. Add sour cram and egg yolk and whirl dough forms into a ball. (this pastry mixes best in a food processor) Refrigerate for an hour or up to 3 days, or freeze for up to 1 month. Bring to room temperature before rolling.
(This pastry is incredible with any apple pies and dumplings, as well as savory quiches. It freezes well and bakes up incredibly light, flaky, and golden. Perfect!)

The house is cold as the temperature has finally dropped. The yard is sparkling like an elfish land and glinting particles of blue and red and pink through the tiny crystals formed on each piece of grass and on each branch and post. It is GORGEOUS. The horses are all shaggy and covered in frost, Jem's cheeks are rosy red, and I'm trying to get the house fires burning a little higher and a little hotter.

There are two stone masons at work on the chimney here in the main house (it's one huge cenral chimney for 3 stoves). They're setting new dark flagstone and it's beautiful. There are certain trades that I find expecially intriguing, masonery is one of them. It seems like such an art to fit each stone so perfectly together so that it can last for years. My great-grandma was an accomplished carpenter (and horse trainer!), and I think it would be so cool if more women, including myself, would master a trade or two? Have you ever considered learning one?

Thanks to those who have taken the time to interact on my 'Blog to Inspire' entry! I realluy appreciate it :) I just shared a larger comment/response to some of the new points of interaction, and thought I'd post it here as well in case you haven't checked back:

I really appreciate the honest and varied interaction. Thanks friends! This is so great and I really welcome the critiques and questions. More! How fun :)


From what I read and see, it seems that there are many expressions and extensions of baby-wearing. I know that many parents adopt it deeply and thoroughly as a form of attachment parenting, while others swing entirely opposite, believing that independence and development are better learned outside of a sling or carrier.

The beautiful thing abot parenting is that as we selflessly raise our children we will seek what is best for them as individuals and for us as a whole family. I've met many of the children connected to these comments and they are each beautiful, balanced, and healthy. The evidence of love and care within their upbringing is obvious.

It seems our family is right smack in the middle when it comes to baby-wearing views. We desire our children to develop as balanced and independent individuals who are confident and strong on their own, but we have LOVED the unexpected connection and interaction that wearing has offered. And, truth be told, in our current lifestyle we have simply had to adopt this practice. We don't have sitters available and our grounds can be dangerous for a baby/toddler. When J's at work and I have chores, Jem is simply safer on my back then under the horses feet, climbing a scaffold, or jumping off a dock. (though he has had his share of crawling through puddles and uprooting the garden and tackling the dogs and....)

Jem has hit the 30 pound mark now and, while I relish the fitness of my upper body, my 5'2" frame is nearing its limit ;)

Again, thanks for the interaction.

Our day began with above 0 temperatures, a happy baby, and apple-laden oatmeal-- perfect! I chored at the barn while J prepared to head to the cabin. Jeremiah ran about clad in long Johns, slippers, and a plaid woolen vest; chalk in one hand, the family's tooth brushes in another. What a blissful start to the day :)

We enjoyed pasta swimming in garlic, fresh walnuts, pears, salmon, feta, and balsamic vinegar for supper (it was honestly SO good! Seriously. You have to try a sweet/savory walnut concoction with pasta. Awesome!). Now the dishes are done, the diapers are hanging, the baby is with his papa, and I am finding my minute.

Hm. The start and the end of the day, both so cozy and sweet. But between those two plates was a day of J' working on and on at the cabin (he sanded the floors 6 times today trying to work out the weather damage before they're sanded). It was a day where I scraped thawed horse manure and dumped the wheel barrow on the way. It was one of me expressing impatience as J clung and fussed and bathed in the dog bowl and unwrapped the (newly wrapped!) gifts. It was a morning where I craved a nap, an afternoon where I craved a 'sitter, and an evening where I cranked up the carols and declared, "We ARE having fun!".

Ha. But now, yes, we have enjoyed our supper plate and the lights are lowered and evening has come. It's an evening for Christmas baking and Baileys, a book by the fire, and hope for the morning.

Ah yes. Aren't Mondays beautiful? :)

Hi!
What a weekend! We've taken a couple of days away from the ranch while the owners are up and are taking some time to visit J's folks, have an evening out (sans baby), and try to snag some stocking stuffers. We just came in from a run through the mall and I again find myself with mixed feelings. I used to be all about the shopping and the hum and hub of it all, then I swung to "AH! No! Never!" and now, well, I hardly know. We took time to talk with some of the aritsans who had tables in the central areas and picked up some sweet wooden toys from Africa. I avoided certain sections (sale racks of new women's clothes which I don't need but sure would have snatched up if within arm's reach!), stopped in others for a 'fix' (starbucks!), and allowed a breath of frustration at the attraction of stopping at just one big box store and collecting every stocking stuffer I could want. With a baby in the rain and limited time, well, it's easy. With a conscience and a set of growing ideals rooted in our family, well, it's tricky. Hm.

Anyways. There's something about these trips that makes my head feel somewhat foggy. I'm tired (c'mon, I'm a mama!), but it's more than that. I think I get so excited at the thought of a weekend away but I always forget that they involve traffic and questions and the continuation of broken sleep and early mornings. A true 'get away' lives more in the mind-set then in the location. If J and I are at peace with one another and Jem is content and our minds aren't stressed or distracted by finances or tasks or issues, then we can experience a true weekend of rest.

I have a few minutes before the boys wake up (yup, they're both napping). I need coffee.... I apologize for the fragmented feel of this post, perhaps I'll try again once I've got some of those GreenValley beans dripping through my system ;)

Hello friends :)

Can you believe we're nearing the end of November? Wow! Our one-year anniversary of our 'new life' is nearing. It's startling to realize that it's almost being a year since that fateful (and wonderful) evening conversation that put feet to our ideas. Who would have thought that now, 11 months later, our little family would be living in this life? But, I'll save those reflections for next month :)

Our preparations for the Advent Season are almost complete. While pregnant, I learned that the only way for me to truly relax and enjoy the season was to have all my busy work taken care of wel ahead of time. With that in mind, I have baked and frozen more than 200 Christmas goodies, roasted and packaged over 20 pounds of amazing GreenValley coffee, ordered most of the extra gifts to be given, and am soon to pack and ship my little parcels to our loved ones around the country. But, even with all this, I still feel a bit behind. There are still some gifts to find, floor boards to scrub, days to organize. The day-to-day doesn't often pause and I am forever pursuing the balance of rest, creation, work, and solitude.

How are you preparing for the coming season? One month from today is Christmas Day! Are you employing any new traditions or events? How do you respond to the swirl of plastic toys, crowded malls, and extra trappings? What are you most looking forward to as a family?
For us, we're looking forward to our first days in our new home. We're hoping to find a beautiful tree from our own forest, string it with popcorn and dried chinese lanterns from the garden, and read by the fire. We're going to watch Narnia on one of our first evenings, sip white hot chocolate, and hang the pictures and personal treasures that have been boxed away for the past year. It is going to be the most perfect Christmas ever :)

Anyways. Sweet Jemah is napping. I'm going to check on the progress up at the cabin and then begin dinner preperations for the guests pulling in this evening. Tonight: spinach, artichoke, and ricotta calzones with caesar salad. Yum!

Note: As most of you have read, I have entered the Blog to Inspire contest. Many of you know of my love of writing and sharing life through this medium. Creating, sharing, processing, and pondering, for me, is best achieved through writing. While I feel that I've somehow misplaced my former awareness of grammar and structure (would you believe I was a writing instructor in my 'former life'??? My word.) since giving birth and leaving sleep behind, I cannot neglect this beautiful form. That said, winning this contest would be a phenomenal and indescribable gift and inspiration! This is the kind of opportunity I have been searching for and desiring. So, if you support this blogging mama, continue to interact with me on the previous post and share the link wherever you can. Honestly, if you are so inclined, I welcome you to post it on your Facebook status, 'Tweet' it on Twitter, email it to people who might find it of interest, paint it on a bus... just kidding! The finalists will be chosen, in part, according to their engagement within the online community. Thanks!!!

This is a favorite in our house; it tastes like a Twix bar! The secret to getting both the taste and appearance perfect is in keeping the layers thin (especially the chocolate). This year I doubled it and used a JUMBO (like, full oven sized) cookie sheet with parchment paper. I think a single (non-doubled) recipe would fit a regular cookie sheet (with side edges of course), or rectangle cake pan. The crust will be crumbly so sprinkle it in evenly, then press in with hands, then smooth with the back of a fork (and beat it very well first, it's shortbread). Finely, keep your chocolate super thin, like candy bar coating thin, otherwise the bars will crack when cut.

Oh, one other thing. I usually do one batch with milk or semi-sweet chocolate and one with dark chocolate sprinkled with cracked sea salt. Yummers!!!! (freezes well, but don't do a bunch of freeze/thaws. Packs well. Very rich so cut into tiny squares.)

Ingredients
• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup ground almonds
• 3/4 cup butter
• 3/8 cup white sugar (wierd measure I know. Basically, 1/2 of 3/4, if that helps? 1/4 and an 1/8? wierd.
• 3 tablespoons golden syrup
• 1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
• 8 (1 ounce) squares high quality milk chocolate
Directions
1. Beat 1/2 cup butter and 1/4 cup sugar until pale. Add flour and ground almonds to form a soft dough.
2. Press dough into a pan that has been greased and lined with parchment paper. Bake shortbread at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 20 to 25 minutes, or until pale golden brown. Leave in pan until cool.
3. To Make Topping: Cook 3/4 cup butter, 3/8 cup sugar, syrup, and sweetened condensed milk in a saucepan on low heat. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Boil for 5 to 7 minutes until it has thickened and has a pale caramel color.
4. Spread caramel on cooled shortbread, and let set about 40 minutes. Melt chocolate over low heat. Spread melted chocolate on top of caramel (be sure the caramel has cooled first!)

I feel as though I am living in a winter-dream. Hollywood-sized snowflakes, shaggy horses, eggnog and baking and glowing hearths are lending a surreal quality to our days here. It is beautiful! My life is beautiful! Even the struggles of marital communication, health, and sleepiness seem somehow hushed under this embracing blanket of Season.


I have been so impatient to move into Augusta, but now, in our longest stretch of living on the ranch without guests, I am finally finding a sense of home in this big open lodge we’ve been waiting within. Maybe it’s the baking or the carols, maybe it’s just having consecutive weeks of just being a family. Whatever the reason, it feels nice.

I am in the middle of a massive pan of Scottish shortbread (J’s FAVORITE), with plans of a variety of chocolate ‘barks’ in the next couple of hours. My goal is to finish all of my Christmas baking by the weekend. One third will go to The Ranch (owners, guests, etc) for their use and pleasure, one-third to us in Augusta, and one-third for packages and moments. The whole thing is much scaled down from previous years. Partially, because I’m aware of how crazy it got last year (long story involving over-baking leading to over-indulgence...), how pricey it is, and how in fact my identity isn’t based on what I bake ;)

So, this year’s Christmas goodies are:

- Scottish caramel shortbread
- Lemon squares
- ginger molasses cookies (soft and spicey, with most of the batch frozen in little dough balls to bake fresh whenever guests desire)
- apricot sage cookies (a very classy and ‘grown up’ looking new cookie. Totally different, uses fresh sage in the dough.
(the above 4 are all done!)
- teriyaki nuts (made a huge bunch last night and...burnt them to a crisp! We’ll see....)
- white chocolate almond/cranberry bark
- milk/dark espresso bark
- butter-tarts/tartlets/squares (we’ll see what form they take this time....)
- maybe...my favourite chocolate dipped orange pecan shortbread.... (But they will have to be locked up!)
- something minty....
- maybe this new lemony cookie i saw....
- and lots of fresh roasted coffee!

Okay. Much too much time online—yikes! Gotta go! OH! And yes, I will be posting one of these recipes every few days so you can try them too! 

This morning over pancakes J suggested "getting away". So, we packed up and drove to the city. I wasn't sure if I was into making the effort; baby, winter gear, energy, etc., but it turned out really well. We got our Christmas shopping (almost!) done, had a solid dose of crowds and traffic, and enjoyed a killer meal at Milestones (I had the beef dip with yam fries-- yummers! And Jem stayed happy the whole time with a stick of garlic bread and yams!). We're home in time to get the hosue warmed up again and put a pizza in the oven.

I
Hey!
Thanks for the interaction on the purse post-- awesome! Some thoughts, in response to some of the comments--
Yes, I heartily agree!!! The whole point was that :) Whether it's a purse or an organic-handmade toy, the issue is that all-consuming desire, that wrongly directed lingering grasp. It had little to do with whether thigs are synthetic or natural or whatever, the point was the desire and the fact that we allow ourselves to get so enamoured with material goods. Seeing it aside from my own heart was helpful as I rarely have the opportunity to see how bizarre these attachments really are. We can say it's an issue in our lives, we can say we feel it, but to actually witness something so acutely outside of our own clouded internal vision can really bring it home and renew the desire to learn how to live open-handed and with little. The fact is, it was a bizarre and wrongly directed kind of fascination with material objects. It hit my square in the face and made me realize (for myself, in my own life, regarding my own issues and desires), "Crap! Danger! Watch out! Run away! Learn what is good and truly valuable!"
And, I am in no way saying I have achieved anything here. As confessed before, my own heart is fickle and longs after much. I'm finding that going back to basics (ie. cutting myself off in a sense, and re-starting, kind of) has being a helpful approach. If I were to live in the heart of New York or with unlimited funds, etc., I would still find it very difficult to life the kind of life I am hoping to find. I am responsible for my own actions, my own choices and responses. If I can learn from those around me, judge my own life without excuse, and set my heart towards what is Good, I can hold to hope for a life that is more than myself.
Does this make sense?

Do you ever have evenings where you just are brimming with contentment? Tonight is like that. Truth be told, life isn't always peachy up here. J and I are often in conflict as we work through discussion of philosophy, theology, and general 'life'. My body continues to push against me; somedays with maddening force and insight. There is always another task or project which could be done, if we were willing to give all of our time to the work of our hands. All that is to say: Today we worked incredibly hard, navigated through the points of conflict, triumphed through physical aches and limites, partnered with the kiddo, and emerged into the evening with a sense of productivity and hope of rest. The next couple of hours are ours alone. There are nachoes in the oven, wine ready to be poured, and a bedroom cozy with firelight.
This evening is am brimming over with a full cup, and it is good.

J is putting Jem to bed now as the wind howls. The wind up here is phenomenal. Seriously! It shakes this whole timber home as though it were a child's toy! The power just cut out so we've gathered the kerosene lamps to have on hand, just in case. We live 'off the grid', using a generator. I'm not sure if it's the wind or a generator issue, but we could have a funny night ahead (hmm...that might cut out the movie aspect of our date night....)

Anyways.

My skin smells like citronella and sweet orange and  lavender from my days work. My hands are rough and my back aches. I live in a millionaire's home and scrub the mantle on hands and knees; ah the sweet life! I love this beautiful beautiful life and the fact that I can sit this evening and drink of it.

My son is laughing uncontrollably as his dad reads a picture book of animals. Whenever Jem points at the turkey J goes, "gobble gobble gobble!!!" and it is SO funny! We're all laughing now :)

Today was well spent. As some may have read earlier, I have fallen in love with teeny little tartlets. I just use a mini-muffin pan and one of two favorite pastry recipes to create incredible morsels of yumminess. They're such adorable little bites that I just can't resist making more of them and experimenting with more flavours! So far I've made pumpkin-toffee, brandied-nut, and maple-apple. Next up are butter ones, and maybe soemting like cranberry whitechocolate...hmmm.... But yeah, I highly recommend playing with these. They freeze well, present nicely, and can provide a lot of variety to a dessert plate. And they soothe a baking-addict's desire when needed ;)

Do any of you live in a log home? I concocted an amazing cleaner today. Basically, hot water and baking soade with citronella essential oil (not fragrance oil). I think any citrus-based oil would work well. But yeah, it really cut into the grime on the wood railings, ledges, cupboards, and table. I didn't even know they were the light yellow color that I uncovered--yikes!!!
Random: I also made a seriously potent mouth wash! I used organic cranberry juice (with NO sweetener! Very expensive, only available in health food stores), witch hazel, and pure mint oil. WOW! It's refreshing, antibacterial, and whitening!

It's soon bedtime for baby--yay! I am SO tired these days. My body is feeling wonky and I"m not sure why :( We had a nice evening together and I think we're all ready for a cozy evening of reading and an early bedtime.

What is it about this life that brings such a sense of both satisfaction and desire? Why am I pleased when I consider the pile of wood my husband carried in, or the simple undyed playdough I made for my son? Why do I find Jem’s little woollen slippers more attractive upon his feet than branded sneakers, or those same feet bare on the grass instead of upon concrete, or those toes grimey with the dirt of exploration instead of...well, you get the picture.


I feel the need to ask myself these things. For some reason I am intensely drawn to the idea of growing food, creating clothing, eating ...differently, and living with less than I am comfortable. But why? Why is this attractive to me? Why does my stomach get all churny and funny when I read about housing hens or knitting little-boy-sweaters or creating something beautiful out of nothing? In so many ways it just doesn’t make sense. I mean, I grew up in an age and culture where the end goal of education and development was (seemingly) to acquire a career which would generate a steady and increasing income and allow me the comforts I desired. Even now, my parents yearn for more materials, less inconvenience, more comfort. Lettered names, square footage, branded clothes; these all remain incredibly attractive to people everywhere, and in some ways I could see how I could be drawn back into those cravings. Yet, this other life causes a greater hunger and a greater hope of happiness.

I keep picturing us finally moving into our little cabin. I see J reading by the fire, Jem with a small crate of toys, and me, just living; breathing without panic, content and at peace. I see glass jars with lentils and beans and grain, fresh bread and eggs, wooden toys, linen skirts, woollen sweaters. I sense the absence of fear; fear of conflict, fear of loss, fear of not getting that thing or the other, or losing it all. I see our family with a sense of wholeness and health, willing to live with what we are given and without a lust for more. I do not want to return to asphalt and malls and traffic. I don’t trust myself, yet, to act rightly within reach of all those things I once craved and clung to as I recognize that I am so easily distracted and convinced.

I am drawn to this other life. I am drawn to the hope of health and beauty and harmony. I am drawn to that picture of a life in which I can learn to seek what is good. I want it to be real. I want it to be true.

Dum spiro espero. While I breathe I hope.

 

-

This week I stepped away for a short visit with a friend a couple hours away from the ranch. As I drove, I listened to some recorded lectures, chatted with my baby, and gained confidence in my driving with the big new truck and the icy roads. During my visit I witnessed my sweet friend discipline her child, care for her home, and go about her daily routine. We chatted and shared bits on life and marriage and issues and new things, we walked and napped, we watched our kids play. On the drive home last night I became aware of an important responsibility in our lives, or at least in my life: It is good to step away. It is beneficial to step out of your 'zone' for enough time to witness points of contrast and possibility.
Though my visit was brief, I was challenged and encouraged to reconsider some approaches to parenting, to reflect on my marriage, and to think about myself for a moment. From the outside, I was able to recognize points of wrongdoing and areas in need of change; things that are often much more difficult to take stock of when you are in the midst of it.

So then. As mothers, business people, land-keepers, students, etc., how we can ensure these excursions? How may we encourage each other in these things; both to our friends and our spouses? Hmm. I think J' needs his own time out soon....

Anyways.
We awoke to a big dump of snow. Jem wasn't a huge fan of it (which I didn't help by flipping his sled and landing him on his face!!!). The horses are really frisky and even Shasta (our baby girl) tried kicking her heels at me! I went down to the lake to try to get some trout when Jem went down for his nap, but no luck yet :(  Now i'm entering 'afternoon chore mode' while J works at the cabin. Oh to be in our new home.... Oh to be patient.

Happy Thursday. May you find an ear to hear your heart today.

The day was filled with work outside in the gorgeous air....

And the evening with apples in the fire-warmed kitchen. Beautiful autumn....

There's a couldron of chickpea curry simmering on the woodstove as pastry for the newest crop of apples chills in the fridge. Jem is chasing a pair of chipmunks by the bird feeder out front while J continues work up at the barn. My apron is floured and I'm wearing awkwardly thick socks stuffed into garishly turqoise crocks. The air has warmed to a 'normal' fall temperature and two doors are open to accomodate baby and dog as they move in and out between adventures.

I'm tired and well.

I think there must be several stages to finding home and digging in roots, and I think it may be a deeper and more involved process than we may first expect. While we can have points of relief or happiness, I think there are more intricate layers of trust and ownership and participation which have to be experienced before one moves towards an honest and lasting rootedness which brings a mixture of joy and solidarity, even in the face of change or question.
Anyways. I don't know, I'm just starting to feel or see something on the horizon that is good. We've had so many changes, so many places of dwelling, so many valuable experiences and pit stops. I'm hoping this is all of those, but so much more.

I feel so inspired today!
I'm not sure what has brought about the change, but I could feel it stirring and I can finally see it in points of attitude and action. I am filling with a growing desire to contribute more and dig in and let go and...welll, go all in. I think that anyone who has experienced or witnessed ups and downs and changes quite near each other will develop a hesitancy to fully invest or fully let go of all plan B's. It's just what happens, no matter how much we say we don't or won't or, whatever. But today I found myself in this small-town outdoor apparell store charging up all kinds of tough ranch-specific outdoor clothes (courtesy of my ridiculously generous employer), skipping through manure sporting my new canvas Carhartt vest, learning to use J's drill so I could help with the winterizing of the barn, and planning out an evening of apple pie creation. It's different. For today, it doesn't feel like work so much as contribution to community. And that my friends is why we are here on this mountain in this very foreign life.

I love the teeny glimpses of light through fog and hope upon plateaus.

I smell like barn.... I should go!

Four fires burning. Baby finally sleeping. Eggs and hashbrowns for a late supper. Frost descending. Sleepy eyes and cozy thoughts. Night time comes to the ranch.

(Note: Jeremiah broke in and posted this with his own additions when I had to leave the computer this afternoon-- wow! Sometimes I write and process on here and then go back and edit it and rethink things before I post. Thanks for joining the conversation friends!)

Hello.
J and I just came in from a beautiful trail ride through a new section of forest on the ranch. The colors and brisk air and break from the pace of the weekend were appreciated. It's funny, while I can post pictures or explain bits of days or experiences, it's actually quite difficult to truly explain the kind of life we have out here. It's beautiful and wierd and so full of blessing and wonder, but you all know that already. What you don't know is that the rhytm of balance and growth continues to be difficult to attain. The 'fear of man' continues to be present through new experiences and expressions. The pressure to gain affirmation through overwork is a constant presence.
There have been a precious few days of quiet family time and working in our own rythm and creative energy. There are many days of people and eyes and opinions as we try to be everything our employers expect us to be. There are days when we fail and talk and apply new lessons and continue to attemp service and work and learn from our mistakes. There are days when we get caught in that dangerous swirl of trying to please every present eye and voice and criticism and then find ourselves slipping away on a trail ride to breathe and let it all go.
As I've written before; wherever we are present, it is possible to walk in turmoil, stress, joy, rest, growth, frustration, and change. My hope is that we will learn how to serve these lords and ladies with gladness while cultivating rest and guarding our hearts against all those draining forces that pushed us onto our gypsy path in the beginning. But friends, it is much more difficult to really live this each day than it is to think of it as an ideal and concept.

So then, how do you do it? Or do you?

Our response so far has been to work beyond our positions, adding on hours within each of our days. We do what is required and more, and we keep senses open as to be aware of unspoken requests and preferences. So far, the appearance and productivity of overwork is well received, but it leads to points of strain as well as confusion when we actually do stop. Hmm.

Anyways. I recognize this is a tricky conversation, especially on open domain. The fact is though; I hope to be as open and inquisitive as I can on this quest. This blog is for the questions and discoveries and ins and outs of 'less loaded', and the questions of the day are loaded indeed.

Happy Monday to you. May you find rest.

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend!!!
This weekend finds us in deepening thoghts of thankfulness as we continue on our journey in action and 'the seen', as well as in processing and connecting all these points of life. This time last year we were celebrating with family in Alberta, convinced that we'd finally settled in for the long haul in our little town. Now, after a year of motion and change and, we are again in that mindset of, "here we are, this is it, we're not moving for at least a decade!". I pray that this time next year we will be reflecting with thankfulness on a year of roots and home and growth. Here.

So now. Sitting by the woodstove in our room. It is COLD up here! (about -10 celcius). The water trough is frozen and the dilema of the weekend is how to get water to our 5 horses. The lake is foggy and grey. My toes are numb, my nose is wet, and Jem's cheeks are rosy rosy red. It feels like Christmas :) It's funny, one of the (many) factors in moving West instead of other locations was the lure of mild and moist winters in the Valley. Hahaha. Now we're 4000 feet higher in a dry and soon to be bone-chilling cold. Interesting how things work.....

In other news....
Our little cabin continues to be developed. The tin was started this week and now the roof is halfway completed. There is still much to be done, but we keep walking up there and looking ahead with growing excitement. This might really happen! Well actually, this IS really happening! We're going to have a sweet little home to cozy up in by Christmas and I can hardly wait. Logs hewn from this land and fires burning as we cozy up with babies and dreams.

Well, time to go. This was a little scattered but I'm determined to update more, here and there. Again, happy weekend, give thanks!

Six months ago our family of three moved into a motor home on a driveway.
Last week we saw the (second) motorhome driveaway without us in it.
One week ago we moved into the main house here at the ranch, into the master suite, and spent our first night settled into this real and beautiful house.
We're sleeping on a beautiful bed which doesn't shake the entire house when we turn over. We're bathing in a beautiful clawfoot tub situated next to windows and rose bushes. We're reading by the little woodstove in the far corner. We're enjoying the fact that the (worthwhile, challenging, and beneficical) motorhome season has drawn to a close.

We've had a few homes this year, so far. In each one we've managed to create a sense of home and 'place'. What creates 'home' for you?

Hellooooo!
I know. It's been awhile! Sorry :(

Friends, I have much to share. The past month has been full and amazing and challenging and, well, different. I am learning so much.

What I am learning:
- A life can be as hectic, empty, miserable, and unsatisfying as you are willing to allow. No matter where you dwell.
- The presence of bounty and unlimited good things (food, recreation, etc) doesn't always lead to a lust for more (you know, how we're always told o0nce you have some you just want more, etc?). Been able to choose can actually lead to an awareness of what you want, what you actually value, what's worth the time/effort/cost/energy. Interesting.
- We are not called to please everyone. We are not called to 'look busy'. We cannot be at peace if we only strive to busily please everyone ;) Figure out what's worth it. What's worth pushing in a few extra hours of work. Decide what is 'work'. What's worth staying up past midnight? Figure out what constitutes a conflict and what needs to be let go, or casually talked about over coffee.
- Learn how to ask a question instead of tell it.
- Be tidy.
- Stop and see where you are. Be there.

It's been awhile! Sorry!

Last night I was presented with a reminder to live well, embrace those lives dear to me, and keep short accounts of all issues, questions, and burdens. I decided to teach myself how to ride the dirtbike and, upon finding that I was SO awesome at it ;), decided to head down the road on a zippy little adventure. Long story short: I hit the dirt. Bike spinning, helmet plowing, and bare arms skidding, I plastered myself onto the gravel road. It hurt. It scared me. It reminded me that one can never know when that conversation or phone call or lack of was the last.

This afternoon I'm stiff and scraped and exhausted, but I'm in one piece and enjoying my sweet life with my family. Who knows? Maybe a little faster or a forgotten helmet... today might have looked much different.

Thank you for sharing life with me today.

Some pics from our week in the heat wave. Temps above 30 everyday. Lots of work, lots of play, lots of things in motion.
(BTW, GreenValley is going to be feautured in a Portland-based magazine. They heard about us, love our story, called us up, and away it went. How bizarre!)

(scratch that. internet keeps cutting out and the pics aren't working. later!)

I have created myself a new office. In my opinion, it far exceeds the upholstered confines of my past office zone. It has hardwood floor and muted natural light. The open rafters could almost be termed ‘valued ceiling’ and the breeze drifting through could certinaly by likened to central air. Six hundred bales of freshly cut hay lend a sweet and earthy scent, and the fact that I’m the only one who knows I’m here at this moment creates that comforting sense of ‘secret’.
My hayloft office. In times like these….

Hey! Our story finally came out in the paper! http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=104848368023&h=aBywo&u=MBMcU&ref=nf The interview was done months ago and much has changed since then, but it's still cool! for now, we're roasting part-time and still supplying the store mentioned (The Docks) as well as some mail orders, while working at the ranch. Hm, crazy how things come about....

Throughout our journey this year, I found myself embracing the music and lyrics of artist Jack Johnson. His disc 'On and On' has been especially present; played and replayed and applied to countless moments. Almost every song has been a challenge or support in our steps and I have found mysefl inceasingly thankful for his contribution to our life.
This morning, over oatmeal and fresh coffee, I couldn't help type out the lyrics to my favorite track. An exceptional song.

Gone.
(Jack Johnson)

Look at all those fancy clothes
but these will keep us warm just like those.
And what about your soul is it cold
is it
straight from the mold and ready to be sold?
cars and phones and diamond rings…
bling bling
Those are only removable things
And what about your mind? Does it shine?
Are there things that consume you more than your time?
Gone, going, gone everyththing
Gone, give a damn
gone be the birds cuz they don’t want to sing
gone people all awkward with their things

look at you out to make a deal
you try to be appealing but you lose your appeal
and what about those shoes you’re in today
they’ll do no good on the bridges you burnt along the way
you willing to sell everything, gone with your herd
leave your footprints, we’ll shame them with our words
gone people, all careless and consumed
gone
gone going gone everything gone give a damn
gone be the birds if they don’t want to sing
gone people all awkward with their things
gone

(Yikes, live that hey? Hmm>)

Good evening :)
We're in the Valley; roasting coffee, visiting with the grandparents, catching up on sushi and traffic and asphalt. Early this morning I played with a herd of yearlings with Jem on my back. Later, I rode my favorite mount (of the four) through a new section of the property and discovered a whole mass of Saskatoon berry bushes on the verge of ripeness. As we drove away from the ranch we came across a young black bear foraging in an open field. Since arriving back in the city I've cooked a mass of bean curry, read a book on the back porch, and gulped in hours of high-speed internet while leaving phone messages through free long-distance calling. What a day!

I'm do tired. I find my mind is too filled with ideas and projects and opportunities (and caffeine) to settle down in the evening. And now, well, there's just so much to look at and screen-shop and such ;) Ah yes.

Anyways.

I'm doing well. WE'RE doing well. I'm learning a lot and also re-learning. It's an interesting exercise to return to this home in the Valley and feel some the frayed replay of emotions and strain of the spring and remember some of those days. Now, from my temporary plateaued home, I can see some of the very acute points of weakness and failure of the newly ended season. There are twinges of remorse and guilt and sadness, though these are paired with a new and living resolve and strength. In only months, I have become another person all over again. It's fascinating.

Part of what I am learning this month is that any life can be 'loaded' any where. We can stress or sin or break or whatever in an overworked office or an abandoned mountain, we can blame the boss or the weather or the Creator of them, we can run or hide or whatever. The pulse of a life less loaded lives within hourly choice of conscience and faith and value. It moves through health and confidence; unity of marriage and body and spirit; freedom to risk and fail.

I've tried and failed and tried and failed again, so now we continue to try and walk and dance and swirl within it all. And it's beautiful. And we'll fail again. And we'll unload and laugh and cry and .... And we'll learn and live and live learning; learn living.

Lovin' it....

You know what I just ate? A pot of beet greens; steamed and swimming in salt and butter- Yum!!! We're in the Valley for two days and the growing climate in this area brings Eden to mind! My pea stalks are taller than I am and have toppled over from their own weight (and are laden with pods!). The tomatoes are full of blooms, I picked a whole grocery bag of swiss chard, the squash are blooming and wrestling with the pea vines, the herbs are ready for use, and the beets, well, they've been enjoyed to their end :)
It is simply mind-boggling to work with such a tiny plot of dirt which gives such an incredible harvest, and in JUNE! I mean, back in the Hills we were only starting to see bits of green at this time of year. Very cool. Oh! And while picking the garden just now we looked up to see another cherry tree (which apparently hasn't given fruit in years) ilterally hanging with rich red clusters. 20 minutes gave us about 4 pounds of fruit. Incredible.

Anyways.

We've been in the Valley to roast and create and visit for two days and are heading back up the mountainn first thing tomorrow. Our life is barrelling forward and the pace hasn't slowed just yet, but now we feel woven into the ride instead of desperatly entangled and struggling to break free. We're having a blast and really looking forward to growing together as a family in the midst of our new roles and opportunities. Our location, employment, and the whole season surrounding it all is emerging as such a gift. We're not about to take any of these unexpected turns for granted; we've learned just how deep and challenging things can become so quickly; but we're going to soak it up and really live in each step as it comes. Hm. That is the lesson of my day I think: Be Here. Be here now. Be fully present, in each moment.

Hmm...I wrote a whole post and it has dissapeared. Well, here's the pics!